


Love is Careless in Its Choosing

by nubianamy



Series: The Donutverse [32]
Category: Glee
Genre: Discipline, Dom/sub, Donutverse, Fake Character Death, M/M, Multi, New York City, Polyamory, Season/Series 05, Secrets, Turning Canon On Its Ear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:27:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nubianamy/pseuds/nubianamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year after they parted ways, Adam Lambert is back in Kurt's life... and this time, he's auditioning for Kurt's band. Adam/Kurt/Puck, Kurt/Blaine, Finn/Blaine, Finn/Kurt. Concurrent with season 5. Donutverse "futurefic," spoilers abound. Dom/sub, discipline, polyamory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is canon with all previous Donutverse stories. As such, it contains spoilers. If you've never read the Donutverse, it presupposes a prior relationship between Kurt, Puck and Adam Lambert, as well as Finn/Kurt/Puck, Kurt/Blaine and... lots of others. Warnings in this chapter for references to Dom/sub and discipline, and for discussion of Finn's death. All other elements may appear to be canon but should be examined closely. Spoilers for all of season 5, including heavy quoting from some scenes, mixed in with original dialogue. You can bet there'll be smut, and soon. Enjoy!
> 
> — amy

 

_Nothing's too cool to take me from you_   
_New York is not just a tan that you'll never lose_   
_Love is the new denim or black_   
_Skeleton guns or wedding bells in the attic_   
_Get Ginger ready, climb in the El Camino front_   
_Won't poke holes in the seats with my heels_   
_'Cause that's where we make love_

_-[Lady Gaga, "Marry the Night"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaJ3FLqCEQk)_

* * *

**May 2012 (end of Kurt and Noah's senior year), West Hollywood**

"Try this," Adam urged, opening his mouth. Obediently, Kurt opened his own, and Adam grinned before tucking the morsel of mushroom between his lips.

Kurt groaned, applying a little more friction with his tongue than was necessary to clean off every drop of sauce. "God." His eyes rolled up into his head. "Noah's outdone himself again."

"Would you expect any less for your birthday?" He gestured at the table, set for three. "Have a seat. There's something I need to ask you before I wake Noah up."

Kurt lowered himself gingerly into Adam's kitchen chair, appreciating the cushion even more than he had the day before. It may have been an entirely necessary paddling, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to feel its aftereffects. "I'm all ears."

Adam sat across from him, his body alive with tension. It was that more than anything else that made Kurt sit up and take notice, because Adam didn't get nervous about  _anything._

"Honey," he began, reaching for Kurt's hand. Kurt took it, squeezing his fingers reassuringly. Adam smiled in appreciation. "I'm so glad the two of you came to visit."

"Me, too," Kurt said. "We've both been looking forward to it for weeks. And especially now that Noah's certain he's graduating, and — well, I wasn't happy to hear I wasn't getting into NYADA, but this was a real comfort to know I would at least get to see you for a few days before the end of the school year."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. It's — well. You know I've already asked Noah to move out here to be with me. I'm fairly certain he's decided to say yes."

Kurt nodded. Noah had been a free agent for some time now, and although it hurt to think of him living so far away, that had always been part of their plan: to do the things they needed to do after school, before coming back together as a family. Now that things with Finn hadn't worked out as expected, it was comforting to imagine coming to visit both Noah  _and_  Adam at the same time. "I told him that was okay. That he could make his own decisions about that."

"Kurt… you could come with him."

Kurt opened his mouth to answer and found himself at a loss. "You — you want me to move to California?"

"Why not? There's nothing keeping you from it now. No school obligations." Adam was starting to build up a head of steam. "Your father has Carole and Sarah. Blaine has one more year of school. There's no reason you couldn't move in with us. With me." He paused, eyes alight, and reached into his pocket. He drew out a delicately carved filigree gold band and held it, poised, between his fingers.

"Adam," Kurt breathed, staring at the ring. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest.

"Prop 8 made it illegal, but whatever, I don't care about that." He waited expectantly, gazing into Kurt's eyes. "Marry me, Kurt."

"I can't." The answer came right away, no thinking required. He felt more horrible having said it.

Adam lowered the ring slowly, his smile dropping away along with it.

"You… okay." Adam let out an unhappy laugh. "That was unexpected. I really thought… haven't we talked about this? With Finn out of the picture, didn't you want —?"

"I did. I do." Kurt hung on to Adam's hands. "God, I love you so much, and Noah — the three of us, together, it would be amazing. I can't say I won't ever want that with you. I just don't think I'm ready. I turned nineteen  _this week_. There's so much I want to do, to learn about the world. I  _want_  to live in New York, Adam! If I'm going to marry you, I want to be able to say yes to you with a whole heart." He reached across the table, coming up on both feet to touch Adam's face. "Please understand this isn't any fault of yours. I'm crazy about you, just as much as I ever was. I'm not saying no. I'm saying —"

"Kurt." Adam smiled, the hurt apparent on his face. "You're saying no."

"I'm saying  _someday."_  He shook his head, feeling desperate for Adam to believe him. To think that he could hurt Adam that way, that he could have — He blinked back tears.

"Hey." Adam's face softened, and he walked around to Kurt's side of the table to take him in his arms. He held him while Kurt shook. "Honey, it's — you're all right. You have the right to say no. I'm disappointed, yes, but I know you still love me. I know that." He kissed the tears on Kurt's cheeks, which just made him cry more. "Don't be scared."

"But you want it so much," Kurt sobbed. "I can tell. This is what you want, and I'm not ready, and — and you and Noah are going to move on without me."

Adam didn't deny it. Kurt appreciated that. He closed his eyes, trying to lose himself in the sensation of Adam's hand, stroking his hair.

"You get to have a chance to be on your own. That's good. Maybe someday I'll ask you again. Or maybe you'll ask me. We'll just have to see what happens. Keep being honest with me, honey, and — and don't forget about me?"

The plea was a little too anxious to feel good to Kurt, but he nodded fervently. Of course he wouldn't forget about Adam. "I love you."

"I love you too, honey." Adam kissed him once more, a little perfunctorily, and held him out at arm's length with a brisk smile. His own eyes were dry. "Now, let's go uncuff our beautiful boy, and have your birthday dinner."

* * *

**May 2013 (episode 5x04), Bushwick District, Brooklyn, New York**

"I think I want to start a band." Kurt propped his arm behind his head, staring thoughtfully up at the ceiling of their loft as he held the phone to his ear. "Do you think that's a crazy idea?"

"Even if it is, it's an exciting one," said Blaine. "I'm sure you'd love fronting a band."

"I don't know if I want to  _front_  one, exactly, so much as collaborate with other people to create one. I was thinking a Madonna cover band would be fantastic."

"Mmmm. That's kind of limiting, isn't it? I bet you could do more if you expanded your focus. You're more Gaga than that." Blaine sighed. "You're a Gaga, I'm a Katy."

"You're so much more than a Katy, Blaine," Kurt assured him.

"No, but — thank you, but — I mean, I  _like_  things sweet and familiar and comforting."

Kurt grinned. "Like handcuffs?"

"Yeah," Blaine said dreamily. "Like that. Anyway, we have to sing a Gaga song for Glee, because we're the Katys, and the Gagas are doing a Katy song? I was thinking it would be fun to do your version of Hair. Remember, you told me about that? But then I thought it might be too much like a Katy song already…"

"Have you listened to Gaga's new album yet? It's brilliant. Timothy sent Sarah some demo tracks in the winter, but the post-production work is really inspired. You guys should sing Do What U Want. Would you get Sarah or somebody else on the A/V team to record your performance for me? I'd really love to see what you create."

"I think Unique's already got it hooked up to stream it live on the Internet. Oh — I forgot to tell you!" He groaned. "We're up against  _Throat Explosion_  from Fort Wayne this year for Nationals. God, do you think we should just forfeit now?"

"Blaine, this is no different from competing against Vocal Adrenaline. Don't make the mistake we did to get into a funk about it. New Directions could still win."

"But they're practicing  _all the time,_ and their budget is —"

"Blaine."

Blaine responded to his Voice over the phone as quickly as he would have in person. It made Kurt shiver to hear it.

"You can do this. Those resources you have inside yourself, they're not limited to labels. Use the group's assets. Highlight Jake's dancing, Unique's voice.  _You_."

"Yeah?" Blaine sounded so tentative. Kurt wished he could just wrap him up in a hug.

"I wish I could be there to convince you."

"Um… yeah." He heard Blaine's voice go a little breathless. "You can be very convincing with that tawse."

"Soon. Very soon, now. I love you."

They hadn't come to any firm conclusion about what would happen once school was out, but Kurt was certain he'd at least find a way to get Blaine out to New York for his birthday. Without anyone at home to watch over Blaine anymore — and Kurt was not going to start thinking about that, or he'd start crying again — Kurt felt even more responsible for his well-being. It had been intimidating to think about being the only one caring for him, especially earlier that year when Blaine had been so very needy and fragmented.

But Blaine had grown tremendously since the winter. There wasn't anything Kurt could attribute it to other than time and maturity, but he wasn't complaining. He was sure he never would have said yes to Blaine's proposal if Blaine hadn't shown such capacity.

Even so, it was a weighty prospect, the idea of a being Blaine's Top. It wasn't the dynamic he preferred with Blaine. Doing it at Dalton had been enough to convince him of that.

For a moment, he let himself give into the morass of regret and loss that swallowed him whenever he thought about Finn, and buried his face in the couch, crying as quietly as he knew how.  _Who's left to take care of me?_  he wanted to wail.  _Why do I have to be the strong one?_

But he knew the answer. It was just the way it was. The closest he'd come to finding another potential boyfriend, since he and Adam had broken up, had been when he'd dated Adam Crawford — and hadn't  _that_  been weird, saying Adam's name and seeing another man's face respond — but in the end, Adam had just been too vanilla for him. Kurt knew himself well enough by now to be sure he needed certain things from another man, and he wasn't willing to go to a professional Dom for any of those services; they were too much about trust and devotion for him to put them in the hands of a stranger. No, if he was ever going to submit to another man again, it was going to have to be someone who loved him, and whom he loved in return.

 _And how likely am I to find one of those?_  He had to wonder. Blaine might be fine with him being poly in theory, but in actual practice, it wasn't easy to meet people who were interesting, trustworthy, attractive and matched his kinks — and who didn't actually mind that he was already engaged to another man. He'd complained to Santana more than once about the number of people who  _said_  they were poly, but were really just serial monogamists in disguise.

"Kurt, can I borrow the silk scarf with the lilies on it?" Rachel's voice preceded her arrival into the sitting area, but she stopped when she saw Kurt's red eyes and the tissue in his hand. She gave him a small smile. "One of those days?"

"Yeah," he said, and it didn't come out too wobbly. Finn was a topic that was both familiar and fraught with complications for the two of them. They hadn't yet found a way to talk about him without one of them crying, but at the very least, he could be sure Rachel understood. She offered her arms, and he accepted them gratefully.

"I know it'll be a while before it feels easier." Kurt took a long, slow breath. "I'm still mostly in avoiding mode."

"You and Blaine both," she agreed. "I don't know if I'm grateful or frustrated, but… he seems to be moving on so  _easily."_

Kurt waited several moments before responding. "I think Blaine's grief will come out in… different ways."

There wasn't anything about their history that Rachel didn't already know, but it was still strange, talking about  _what they did_  with her. Kurt knew that she'd done much of it with Finn, but as far as Kurt knew, she hadn't looked for it from anyone else since Finn had set her free at the train station in Lima. Things had definitely changed between the two of them when Rachel had turned eighteen in December, and had finally learned who her father was. That had been a hell of an upheaval. But after the funeral, it seemed like most of that had been forgiven.

Kurt stepped away from Rachel, putting on a needless brave face. "All right. I'd better get ready for work. There's something I want to run by you on our way into the city."

* * *

_"The theme of the evening, pretty much, is love. And it's all sides of love. Sometimes love can break your heart. Sometimes it sucks, love. But if we didn't know heartache, we wouldn't know the real stuff, true love. And I think in order to hold on to that true love and make it work, sometimes you just have to ask the right questions."_

_\- Adam Lambert, Glam Nation tour, 2011_

* * *

The first thing Kurt did when he got home from the audition —  _audition, my ass,_  he thought furiously;  _whatever the hell that was, it wasn't an audition_ — was call Blaine. He barely said three words to Santana after Adam left the studio, although she had  _plenty_  of words for him. There was too much going on in his head, and he was pretty sure if he tried to process it in front of Santana or Rachel, he was going to break down screaming or crying, or both.

He went right to his bed and sat down, grasping his own arms, trying desperately to hold on to his sanity.

"Hey, babe," Blaine said, cheerful as always. "How'd it go? Did anyone show up?"

" _Yes,"_ he snapped. "Someone  _familiar._  Someone I know  _intimately."_  He was going to give himself TMJ from all the teeth-clenching. " _Adam."_

"He wants to join  _your_  band now? I thought he kicked you out of Adam's Apples when he found out we were engaged."

"No. Not Adam Crawford."

There was a stricken pause. "Oh my god. He — he didn't."

"He most sure as hell  _did,"_  Kurt moaned. "Blaine, he showed up in full regalia, this stunning sparkling top hat and tails, and — and sang  _Gaga._ He blew Dani and Santana away."

"And you," Blaine added.

He scowled. "What?"

"Kurt, no matter how surprised you were, don't tell me part of you wasn't completely thrilled to be that close to Adam again. And  _singing?_  That man does not have an inside voice." Blaine sounded positively blazé about the whole thing. "How did Adam explain wanting to join your band?"

"He's going by a stage name. Starchild. It was —" Kurt huffed reproachfully. "Blaine, this is about our engagement."

"What? How do you know?"

"Because he sang  _freaking Marry the Night."_  Kurt drew out each syllable, pointing at the floor for emphasis, even though nobody was there to see him do it. "Some coincidence. Goddamn fishnet gloves."

"Kurt…" The gentle, reasonable way Blaine spoke his name, it made Kurt want to fall apart right there. "You still love him."

"I don't even  _know_  him, Blaine. We've barely talked at all this year."

Blaine sounded like he wasn't even listening. "I bet he was amazing, though."

"I told him it wasn't a fit. Santana thinks I'm insane, of course." He scrubbed at his face with his hand. "God. What could I tell her? I can't do this."

"Oh, Kurt," he sighed. "What did Adam do, when you turned him down?"

"He looked… angry." Kurt couldn't have erased the expression from his mind if he'd tried. "I also told him, if he was willing to tone down his look, maybe I'd reconsider."

"Tone down his — you mean stay a secret?"

"How am I going to keep  _Adam Lambert_  a secret, Blaine?" Kurt hollered. Blaine laughed, which just made Kurt feel more frustrated and powerless.

"Kurt, I'm just going to say this once. I won't interfere with your relationships with other people, you know I won't. But I can also see how much you're hurting — how much you  _need_  this."

"Need what?" As soon as he snapped out the words, Kurt felt himself flush.  _God._  "Adam and I haven't done that for almost a year. I — there's no  _way_  I could expect him to —"

"Are you listening to yourself?" Blaine sounded incredulous. "Okay, Kurt. I'm really bad at this, but… I'm going to have to pull out the big guns. Go to the piano and play it."

Kurt didn't even bother to play dumb. "I don't even — I haven't played that in  _months._ "

"I know that when you play it, it's because you miss him. Let me listen, okay?"

He could have told himself it was for Blaine, that he was being persuasive. He could have grumbled about being pushed to do something he absolutely wasn't ready for. But Kurt's feet moved of their own accord toward the electric piano on its stand in the corner. He set the phone down without hanging up. When he sat down on the bench and placed his hands on the keys, it was like the entire manuscript of the song he'd written for Adam was there in front of his eyes. [He was crying by the time he reached the second arpeggio](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPguKUW1YQ8).

When he picked the phone two minutes later — he'd rushed the ending, but he knew Blaine wasn't going to harp on him about it — he didn't feel angry anymore.

"How did you know?" he wanted to demand, but his state of mind precluded more yelling. "How did you know that would —"

"Because I sang  _Sanctuary_  for Finn. Because I sang  _Teenage Dream_  for Puck. I  _know_  how this feels, Kurt. Music is your voice. It's the best thing about you, and that's saying something. And I know  _you."_

Kurt cradled the phone to his wet cheek. "God, Blaine," he whispered. "I don't know if I can deal with this."

"You can." There wasn't one shred of doubt in Blaine's voice. "And there's nothing bad here. I mean, there might be things to work through, but there wasn't any betrayal between you. It might not be the same, whatever you create, but… I know it's real. And I know he's good for you."

"Yeah, well, Mike was good for me, too. Look how that ended up." But Kurt knew it wasn't the same. He didn't even bother to let Blaine answer. "All right.  _All right._  I'll — I'll talk to Santana." He sighed, feeling the tension starting to ebb. "She took video of him, on her phone."

"Oh my god," Blaine squealed, " _send_ it to me!"

* * *

By the time Rachel came around to talk to him about why he'd told "Starchild" to get lost, Kurt's defensiveness about the outrageous sidekick best friend thing didn't seem believable even to him anymore.  _Fringe is unsuccessful, huh? Right. Ask Lady Gaga. Or my ex-boyfriend._ It was easy to let her talk him into giving Starchild a second chance.

"I don't even have his phone number," he said feebly. "Or his real name."

Neither of which were true. Adam still lurked in his contacts list under  _Adam, unlisted,_  even thought he hadn't heard anything from him in months. He'd found himself trolling the fanboards online periodically, especially back in April when Adam and Sauli had officially announced they'd broken up.

But he hadn't yet made the decision to actually take the risk of calling him when he came to work the next day and realized the bespectacled boy in the brown sweater, sitting in the corner booth, was waiting for him. He watched him from a distance throughout the beginning of his shift, but eventually it became impossible to go on ignoring Adam. Pen poised, he tried for an unaffected drawl.

"Hello, welcome to Spotlight; I'm Kurt, I'll be your chorus boy waiter, uh, today. Can I start you off with one of our signature orange freezes."

"First, can I ask you something?" Adam took off his glasses, holding out his hands and gazing up at Kurt with a sheepish appeal. "Is this toned down enough?"

"Oh, my god — Starchild." Kurt swallowed. Adam laughed, with more than a little relief.

"It's… Elliot Gilbert, actually."

If Adam was trying to hide the emotion in his eyes, he wasn't doing a very good job of it. Kurt scrambled for something else to possibly say.  _Elliot. How's your year been, Elliot? I've missed you so much, Elliot. I had a sex dream about you last night, Elliot._

"Do you have a — a minute to talk?"

"Yeah," Kurt stammered. He turned and called back to Joanie, "I'm taking an intermission." That made Adam laugh. Before Kurt could chicken out, he pulled out the chair across from him and took a seat. "That's how we have to say  _I'm taking a break_  here. An intermission. We have to say it or else we get fined."  _God, I'm babbling. Just shut up, Kurt._ He took a deep breath. "I'm — so happy to see you. I've been trying to find you since your audition."

"Same. Hence my stalking you."

Kurt blinked, feeling Adam's chuckle like a physical touch. He restrained himself from reaching out across the table and grabbing his hand, but the urge was almost overwhelming.

"So I'm just going to come right out and say this." Adam steeled himself, shaking his head. "I — I need to be in your band. I mean, I came to New York to be in your band. Something cool and fun and — and special…"

"Here's hoping," Kurt whispered. Adam's eyes snapped at him. He appeared to be having difficulty exhibiting restraint himself. Kurt squared his shoulders. If this game was going to go on any further, he was going to need to be very clear on the rules. "Came from where? If you say Ohio, I'm going to die."

"Paramas. New Jersey." Adam smirked. "Land of malls. As soon as I was old enough, I used to take New Jersey transit to the City to see shows and concerts, go to museums… so I only applied to colleges in New York."

 _College._  Kurt felt the icy-heat of shock. "Oh — do you go to NYADA, too?"

"No. NYU. I didn't get into NYADA." He shrugged. "But it's cool. I'm doing things all over the city, and one of the things on my artist bucket list is to be in an indie band. Specifically,  _your_  indie band… Kurt."

Hearing Adam say his name, like that, while looking at him  _like that,_  made him choke on a whimper. God, how could Adam still touch him,  _like that,_  without laying one hand on him? Adam smiled gently.

"So… if Starchild's too much for you…" He licked his lips. "I can be whoever you want."

No matter what he'd said to Adam a year ago, there'd never been any question in Kurt's mind that Adam had always been exactly what he'd wanted. Now, in this moment, faced with him again, in  _his_  restaurant, in _his city…_ it was almost too much for him to handle. He closed his eyes to gather himself. When he opened them again, Adam's smile was shy.

"I just wanted to make an impression."

"You  _did,"_  he exhaled. "And… after a lot of soul-searching, I've come to the conclusion that the greatest chance for my — my band to be successful is to surround myself with the best people." He felt his heart catch when Adam's smile broadened. "And although there wasn't much of it, you blew the competition away."

"Yeah, well… you want to know a secret?" Adam glanced around before leaning across the table, lowering his voice. "I kind of chased away the rest of the competition. As in I sat out there in the hallway all morning and told them the audition was cancelled."

Kurt stared at him for a moment before laughing out loud. "Holy shit, you did not."

"I did," Adam whispered, his eyes gleaming. "Aren't I such a bad boy?"

Kurt opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again, not trusting what he might say in response to  _that._  Adam looked down at the table, then glanced back up at him through lowered lashes.

"So I can audition again?"

Kurt shook his head. "No." It was worth it to see Adam's face fall, but he didn't leave him hanging long. "You're in. As Elliot Gilbert, as Starchild, or — or someone in between. Whoever you want to be."

"Who I  _want_  to be," Adam echoed, shaking his head — but whatever else he was going to say was interrupted by Santana's bored commentary.

"Intermission's over. And you have a fiance, so stop flirting."

Kurt twisted around in his chair, jerking a thumb at Adam. "Santana," he hissed, "this is  _Elliot Gilbert_ , aka Starchild."

"Oh, well — hot damn." Santana's face split in an appraising smile. The sound of Adam's laugh made Kurt's heart leap into his throat. He turned back to Adam.

"And, I hope, the newest member of our band?"

Santana reached out and patted Kurt's shoulder. "Well, you just take as long an intermission as you like. I can cover for you with Joanie. Don't forget to get his phone number this time, all right?" She gave Adam a smug little wave, then sauntered away.

Adam was still laughing as he watched her go. "Can I just say I was surprised as hell when I realized that was Santana at the audition? I had no idea she'd come to New York with you."

Apparently the rules included being able to talk about their actual past when no one was listening. Kurt nodded. "She and Rachel have kept me tethered this year, after —" He paused before going on. "After Finn died."

"Yeah," Adam murmured. He clasped his hands in front of him on the table. "I can only imagine what you must have gone through. Must still be going through."

"I couldn't have made it without Blaine. He's been unbelievably strong through the whole thing." He kept his eyes on Adam's face as he added, "I don't know if you caught that, what Santana said, but Blaine and I are — he asked me to —"

"I know." Adam's expression barely changed, but Kurt saw his eyes flash. "Noah told me. That's why I came to New York. I needed to decide if this decision was as ill-considered as Noah seems to think it was."

That stung. "Noah has his own demons to wrangle. You know that."

"That's not what I'm talking about." Adam still wasn't letting his face betray his feelings, but Kurt thought he might sound a little chiding. "I'm saying a year ago, you told me you were too young to get married. That you needed some more time to live life on your own before you could choose something as  _serious_  and  _permanent_ as marriage."

"I did," Kurt agreed, trying not to appear too defensive. Adam nodded solemnly.

"So I needed to see for myself how you were, to assess your decision. Because I just can't believe you would change your mind like that for no reason. And the truth is, I don't think you'd change your mind about something like marriage at all." His voice fell to a mellow whisper, but Adam's words were anything but. "I can't believe it's as simple as choosing the wrong person. Because I never was the wrong person."

"Really." Kurt floated the question on a sea of indignity, but Adam wasn't backing down. "That's a little conceited of you, don't you think?"

Adam smiled. "Well, Kurt, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a little conceited. Are you really surprised? I should say  _I_  was a little surprised that the first words you would say to me in over seven months were slamming my fashion design choices. Anyway, I still think Irina Shabavaya is a genius, and you'll never convince me otherwise."

"Don't tell  _me_  your choice of song was a freak accident."

"You know me better than that, Kurt."

He pressed his lips together. "I used to."

"Come on, I doubt either of us have changed all that much in one year. I still know you're the biggest Gaga fan I've ever met, and believe me, I've met some." Adam's smile went a little soft. "She misses you."

"I miss her too," Kurt murmured. This was getting into some dangerous territory for broad daylight. He shook his head in disbelief. "I really don't understand how you've managed to get this far without anybody recognizing you. You're just —  _sitting_  here."

Adam laughed. "Oh, really? Let's try this." He stood up, motioning for Kurt to follow, and walked up to the bar, where several customers were standing with their burgers and shakes. "Excuse me? Could you settle a bet between me and my friend?" Adam struck a pose. "Do you think I look like Adam Lambert?"

Kurt gaped as the couple looked Adam up and down. The man shook his head. "Sorry, buddy, I think you'd need some eyeliner."

"Oh, I don't know," said the woman, smiling back. "I see some similarities in your jawline."

"Thank you," Adam said brightly. He looked expectantly at Kurt. "I told you."

"You're right," Kurt said, shrugging helplessly. "How could I ever have doubted you?"

They seemed to both realize at the same moment that there was no longer a table between the two of them. Adam held his breath.

"Um — so I should probably stop taking advantage of Santana's generosity, but… any chance you can tell me when you get off?"

"Work," Kurt added quickly. "I get off  _work_  at seven. And —"

"I'll be here," Adam promised. He backed away, giving a little wave with one hand. "Thank you, Kurt. You won't regret this."

Santana caught up with him as he stood there, watching Adam disappear into the crowd outside on the sidewalk. "Well, that was a hell of a lucky break. Please tell me he said yes."

"He said yes," Kurt agreed, his voice coming out faint.  _Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to say in return._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, let me just get one thing very, very clear. Things are not what they seem. I may not know precisely how I'm going to get there, but I am committed to the happy ending -- for all of them. Got that? Good. Moving on. 
> 
> Warnings in this chapter for m/m sex and discipline. 
> 
> -amy

 

The rest of Kurt's shift went by in a big, cheerful blur. He was pretty certain he brought all the correct orders to all the correct customers, because no one complained and his tips were what he usually got, but he couldn't have repeated any of the orders if someone had asked him what they were. He just moved from counter to table, again and again, thinking:  _Adam. Adam is here, in New York. Adam wants to see me. Adam is — in my band._

"Chinese tonight," Santana informed him as she edged past him in the aisle. "We have that coupon to Gourmet Garden. You're going to have to pick it up, though; my shift doesn't end until nine, and you know what that means."

It meant that her shift actually wouldn't be over until nine-forty-five, and factoring in travel time, Santana wouldn't be home until ten-thirty. Kurt nodded. "No problem."

He scribbled notes on the back of his order pad. Their usual: Santana's chicken with garlic sauce, and Rachel's mu shu veggies ("with  _brown_  rice, and hoisin on the side, I shouldn't have that much salt  _ever"),_  and Dani's Mongolian beef, and —

 _And Adam. Adam, waiting outside the restaurant for me._  Kurt couldn't actually see him, but he was sure he was there, like the moon camouflaged by the light of day. If Adam said he would be there, he would be. The thought pricked his heart, and Kurt had to pause and grasp the edge of the counter for support.  _Adam._

"Are you okay?" Rachel stopped in the middle of delivering an order to make eye contact with him, frowning with concern.

He nodded vigorously. "I'm just — tired. I'm fine."

For flexible values of fine, it was true. He didn't feel sick, or angry, or even all that scared. The tingle of anticipation fired his last half hour, spurring him on every time he caught sight of the door.  _Adam's probably right around that corner._

It wasn't until he'd punched out, folded his uniform shirt and slipped back into his own sweater that he realized he still hadn't made a decision about what to  _do_  about Adam. He paused just beyond the break room door (labeled  _Green Room,_  of course) and wondered if he should be panicking. But he wasn't. He felt as calm and relaxed as he had at any point in the past year. Trying to pick the feeling apart just left him puzzled, not upset.

 _Maybe I really am okay,_  he thought, and that was even more puzzling.

But when he walked out the front door of Spotlight, he didn't see Adam waiting on the sidewalk. Instead, he saw his car.  _Kurt's_  car: the pale yellow 64 and 1/2 Mustang. He put both hands to his mouth and stifled a shriek of delight.

The driver reached across and rolled down the passenger window with some effort. Kurt half-expected it to be Jacob — which would have been impossible, considering Jacob was in Quantico training at the FBI academy, although Kurt wasn't necessarily writing off impossible things today — but it was Adam himself, grinning at Kurt with wicked, delighted eyes.

"Need a ride?" he called. "Or do you want to drive?"

"Do you really have to ask?" Kurt was already halfway around to the driver's side door, bouncing impatiently while Adam climbed out of the deep bucket seat and ushered him in with a flourish. He could feel the warmth of Adam's body along his backside and legs, captured by the leather seats, and was suddenly aroused. The way Adam was looking at him as he climbed into the passenger seat wasn't helping either.

"We're double-parked," Adam murmured. "I think we'd better get out of here before the cops decide you shouldn't be driving this car. Do you even have a license in New York?"

"I suspect, even if they did pull me over, that I wouldn't get in trouble for being an Ohio driver." Kurt had to think for a moment if that license was still valid — but no, his birthday wasn't for another three weeks. The form was pinned to his bulletin board at home, waiting for his decision. He'd considered not bothering to pay the seventy-eight dollar fee to renew it, but the presence of the 'Stang-and-a-half in New York made that choice completely unacceptable. He couldn't suppress his smile. "Did you really drive this all the way out here from California by yourself?"

"It wasn't so bad," Adam said, waving his hand dismissively. "I made a stop in Lackland in San Antonio on the way."

Kurt shook his head, chuckling. "I know in theory Don't Ask, Don't Tell was abolished, but I'm guessing you, visiting Noah at basic training, still caused a stir."

"He hasn't started basic training yet. I won't be able to talk to him for eight weeks, once he does. You're implying  _you_  haven't talked to him since he left?" Adam didn't sound angry or upset, just a little bit sad.

"Noah's almost as bad at staying in touch as I am. I got one text saying  _I'm here and it's fucking hot,_  and that's been all so far. I'm not worried; he'll call me if he needs me." Every little analog control and knob and dial on the dashboard of the car was making him happy. Kurt turned on the windshield wipers, just because he could, and petted the steering column. "I suspect he was happy to see you, though."

"Every soldier needs a little discipline." Adam said it with such relish that Kurt could almost hear the whistle and impact of his Lexan paddle. "And I'm not pro-military in any way, but  _god,_  Kurt, the  _uniform."_  He groaned, writhing on the seat. "Noah in uniform exceeds expectations in every way."

Kurt tried to keep his focus on the road, but it was hard to do when he was laughing so hard. In the satisfying silence that followed, it felt so easy to reach out and tangle his fingers in Adam's, resting on the gear shift.

"I missed you," he said.

"Yeah. In so many ways. So many." Adam pulled Kurt's hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles, then let it go. "I'm not even sure where to start."

"How about you start by telling me where you're staying in the city?"

"Ah, yes. A little efficiency on Christopher Street. The best I could do on an emergency budget, which means both overpriced and a little too far out of the way to make it easy to attend classes, but at least I don't have a roommate."

Kurt almost choked. "Classes. You were serious about being a student? At NYU?"

"One class. Tess made me promise I wouldn't overload myself, my first time back. A nice anonymous American Studies lecture class with three hundred other freshmen." He sighed. "I'll tell you, I walked into my first day of class and almost walked right back out again, but so far I've kept my promise not to skip and not to 'forget' to do the reading."

"With Tess paying attention, I can imagine why." Kurt glanced over at him, pausing at the intersection. "I'm proud of you."

Adam's smile, hopeful and cocky at the same time, made his heart tumble into crazy rhythms. "I'm kind of proud of myself. But  _you._  You got into NYADA, you sly dog. How's that been?"

"You mean you haven't been keeping tabs on me?"

"You said it yourself, honey: Noah's a lousy informant. I'd get about three sentences about each of you before he lost focus and started talking about Beth."

"I don't think he ever runs out of words about her," Kurt agreed. He kept his eyes on the road. "Whatever else Noah might be, he's a devoted Papa."

"She'd talk about you sometimes. In her two-year-old way." Adam sounded sad again, but Kurt wasn't going to stop driving through Brooklyn to comfort him.

"Three, now." Kurt smiled. "She was born exactly one month before my birthday. April 27, May 27. Although that first year she didn't feel like much of a birthday present."

"That's because she was with me. With us — me and Noah. God, I can't believe that was three years ago." Adam shook his head, staring at his lap. "That did something to me, spending those first couple weeks of her life with her. I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to be her — her Daddum."

"You don't have to," Kurt said, but Adam shook his head again, more emphatically.

"I don't get a choice in that, do I? When Noah was gone, she was gone too. Shelby barely tolerates me. It's not like I can call her up and schedule a visit with her while Noah's in the Air Force."

"That was a hard year for all of us. But it got better. It did."

"For a while." His expression was bitter, watching Kurt. "But then you were gone, too. That weekend was supposed to be your nineteenth birthday present, and I fucked it up by giving you that stupid ring."

"It — it wasn't stupid, Adam." They were almost at the loft now. Kurt circled the block, looking for a place to park. "It might have been a — a complicated birthday present, but you've never hesitated to give me those. I mean, I'll never forget my  _eighteenth_  birthday."

That brought a smile to Adam's face. "That's still a good memory?"

Kurt carefully edged the enormous car into the parking lot, conscious of how much room it took up. He  _really_  didn't want to run into the cars ahead or behind him, so he just went as slowly as he could. But by the time he turned off the car and focused on Adam again, Adam's smile was gone.

"Oh," Kurt said. He reached out and took Adam's hands. Adam closed his eyes at the contact, but he didn't pull away. " _Yes._ That's still a good memory. As far as I'm concerned, we had nothing  _but_  good memories. And a year later… yeah, I felt terrible, saying no to you, but everything we had was still good. I don't have any regrets. Not one." He gave Adam's hands a little shake. "Okay?"

Adam nodded slowly, his eyes still closed. "I just — I didn't  _know_  how you felt. After that weekend, you practically disappeared, and I figured it was all my fault for messing things up. I wasn't sure I deserved to ask you for anything after that." He opened his eyes, and still he didn't look at Kurt, directing his gaze at the dashboard of the 64 and 1/2 Mustang. "Before I left, I sold the GT. I didn't need two cars, and… I couldn't sell this one. Timothy told me to take it." He looked almost apologetic. "I  _couldn't_  sell your car, Kurt."

"You don't have to. It's yours." It was the truth, but he watched Adam's eyes widen a fraction, and he wanted to take back the words. "I'm not going to lie and tell you I'm not really, really happy to see it."

Now Adam did look at him. He wasn't trying to disguise the hope he was feeling. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Kurt whispered. He cleared his throat. "No matter how big and flashy and obvious it is."

"Yeah?" Adam leaned in, edging his way across the leather seat toward the driver's side. "You don't mind me being big and flashy and obvious?"

"God, please don't tell me the car is a metaphor for your penis, because that would really ruin the whole thing for m — mmmph."

Adam's mouth was soft, just as soft as he'd remembered. Kurt surged forward, reaching for Adam's face, and Adam's arms came around him and hauled him forward until he was practically kneeling over Adam's lap. Now that they were touching, all of Kurt's uncertainty had vanished. Adam just felt warm and familiar and so, so good.

Adam's hands on his back were tentative, but when they edged down to cup his ass, Kurt moaned. Adam echoed the moan, tightening his hands. "God. You feel — this is okay?"

"I think we need to go inside." Kurt's lips found Adam's neck, making him curse. "Unless you want Elliot Gilbert to be arrested on charges of public indecency."

"The fucker deserves it, if he's going to let himself get caught." Adam let him go, though, sitting back, his breath uneven. "You're really going to invite me up to your apartment?"

"Before Santana and Rachel get home? You'd better believe it."

Adam still looked a little stunned, following him up the stairs to the dark hallway leading to their loft. "Kurt, are you telling me if I'd shown up any time in the past year, offering this, that you might have —"

Kurt set his bag down on the table by the door with an exasperated  _thump._  "I don't know what I would have done. I'm trying to listen to my heart, because it's what we've always used as a gauge. My head says  _why aren't you freaking out?_  My reason says  _talk this out before you make a big mistake and hurt him again._  But my heart says  _you still trust him._ " He shook his head. "I do. And we have an hour."

"That — sounds pretty reasonable, actually." Adam's arms wrapped back around him, holding him tight as he searched Kurt's eyes. "You really think we can just pick this up where we left off a year ago?"

"Depends." He kept his jaw firm, but Adam, pressed this close against him, obviously wanting him, was going to have an effect. "What do you want from me?"

Adam snickered, but it was an old joke, and it didn't dull the tension between them. "Tonight, I want whatever you're willing to give me. Without worrying about whether you'll want it tomorrow."

He let Adam touch his face, let his own eyes slip shut. Let himself feel things he hadn't allowed himself to feel since the last time he'd seen Finn. "I want… I want you to flog me until I cry, and then I want you to — god." He was already crying. "To hold me down and fuck me."

"Honey," Adam said, with fervent sweetness, "that's exactly what I'm going to do." He kissed Kurt's eyelids. "Show me where, so I can undress you."

Adam was obviously charmed by the loft, but he didn't allow that to distract him. His intense focus was making Kurt a little clumsy and nervous, and when he took Kurt's wrists in his hands and pressed them up against the wall, Kurt couldn't keep from giggling.

"It's not you," Kurt promised, rolling his eyes and giggling more. "I'm just — it's been —"

"Oh, I understand," Adam assured him. His eyes covered Kurt's body, drinking him in. "You don't have to explain. I know just what you need."

And that was it. He always had known what Kurt needed, from the very beginning, even in those moments when Kurt hadn't known it himself — just as Finn had known. The tears came harder as he let himself feel the staggering loss, there in Adam's arms. He knew Adam wouldn't stop, wouldn't judge him, wouldn't ask him to explain. He would just give Kurt what he needed.

"Bottom of my trunk," Kurt managed finally. "Brown leather box."

"Shhh," Adam said. His hands, sliding Kurt's sweater over his head, were gentle. "We'll get there. God, Kurt, where did this body come from?"

"Three studio sessions a week on the dance floor at NYADA. And, I imagine, another year of maturity."

"You're astonishing. But then, I shouldn't have expected any less from you." He unzipped Kurt's pants for him, but let him squirm out of them himself. "I suppose I should feel inadequate."

"Oh, god, Adam." He stared up at Adam, stripping off his own polo. "You're perfect."

"Yeah, I was about to say you never made me feel that way, even if I've never managed the sculpted look." His hands skimmed Kurt's chest, brushing the minute tattoo over Kurt's heart with his thumb. Kurt's hand came up automatically to touch the matching tattoo on Adam's own chest. "The weekend we got these. You insisted I needed to be included in your family, even then. You've always made sure I felt… important."

"You are," Kurt insisted. Adam smiled, shaking his head.

"I don't know if you understand how that feels, coming from you. I have always had such respect for you, such admiration for your talent and drive." He grinned. "Maybe a little jealousy."

He felt his cheeks heat. "Which is  _insane,_ coming from you."

"Kurt, you've accomplished things in your nineteen years that I haven't yet done in my thirty-one. I'm not saying you don't deserve it, I'm just saying you're impressive." His fingers tightened on Kurt's shoulders. "But even I can tell when you're trying too hard. Get on your knees."

Kurt hugged his pillow to his chest and rested there, his bare ass quivering in the air, suffused with nervous energy. Blaine always submitted so gracefully, never hesitating to beg for help when he needed it. Puck still fought it, almost every time — yet both of them made it so obvious by their actions when they needed that release of a sound spanking. And as for himself… it wasn't like he was  _new_  to this. So why was he always so surprised to realize when  _he_  was being a brat, too?

"I guess it's hard to see, when it's yourself," he said aloud.

Adam chuckled. Kurt could hear him moving around beside the bed, shuffling through Kurt's things.

"That's certainly true for me. I usually need someone else to point it out to me. You — you've got a few tells. You get bitchier. That comment about Project Runway during the audition? I almost laughed. And you come up with the most creative, bizarre ideas." Kurt flinched as Adam's hand rested on the small of his back, caressing his skin. "Like starting a band."

"Like starting a band," Kurt echoed in dismay. "Shit."

"It's okay, honey." Adam leaned in and kissed his cheek, tender and slow. Into his ear, he whispered, "There's no shame in needing this. All your boys know it. You going to let me take over now?"

He nodded, feeling the tears come, and closed his eyes. "I'm all yours."

Adam was silent and still for a long moment. When he stirred, his hand touched Kurt's left, brushing over the band of gold on his fourth finger. He sighed. "Just for now. Yes. Right now… you're all mine."

Adam started slowly, the way he knew Kurt needed it, letting the tails of his flogger and gravity do the work. He loved the dispersive sensation of the flogger, each individual tail striking and combining to provide a thuddy tingling that reached every part of his body. He'd learned to appreciate the brutal precision of the cane and the breathtaking, terrifying energy of the single-tail whip at Finn's hand, and he'd followed Tess' lead in adopting the tawse as his preferred tool, but even now, when he wanted to  _let go,_  the flogger was what would get him there.

"God," he moaned, as Adam put a little more force into the stroke. He pressed his face into his pillow — and cried out as Adam's hand landed smack in the center of his ass.

"Don't hide from me," Adam said crisply. "I won't allow it. Let it out."

He felt his face crumple. "I miss him." His voice wobbled, but he couldn't stop that now. The flogger struck again, harder, and he gasped. "I miss him  _so much,_  and… and he's  _gone."_

Adam's left hand stroked the back of his neck, tracing a pattern up and down his spine between each impact of the flogger. "You loved him."

There were no more words to say that would make sense. Kurt just gave in, letting the pain and thrust of the flogger drive the sobs out of him, giving him permission to be loud and furious and to  _hate_  the world for taking Finn from him, from Noah — god, from  _Blaine,_  who needed him most of all.

Adam didn't continue once he was crying in earnest. He climbed over Kurt to rest beside him on the bed, gathering him up into his arms and holding him tight.

"It's not fair," Kurt cried, balling his fists and pushing them against Adam's chest. "It's not the way it was supposed to  _be."_

"I know, honey." Adam wasn't trying to shush him or stifle his tears, but he wasn't letting him go, either. "It sucks. It really, really sucks."

Eventually, of course, he did stop crying all on his own. Other sensations began to overpower the grief: the warmth of Adam's body, the scent of him, the stinging of the skin of his back and behind. He shifted closer against Adam, and sighed.

"Thank you."

Adam reached for a tissue next to the bed and handed it to Kurt, giving him enough space to move his hands and wipe his face. "Oh, I'm not done with you yet. There was something else you asked for."

Kurt flickered his eyes at the clock on his wall. "I don't know if that's such a good —"

"Such a master at redirection." Adam rolled him over gently onto his back, letting him settle against the sheet and squirm a little at the irritation against his skin. "I'm going to take care of you, and you're going to  _stop worrying."_  Adam's hand wrapped around him, already half-hard, and squeezed. "Right now."

Kurt groaned, spreading his legs to make room for Adam between them.  _He's in charge,_  he thought with relief.  _He wants this._

"I missed you, too, you know," Kurt looked up at Adam, watching his face for any hurt or bitterness, but there was none. "This isn't just about Finn. I missed this, with you."

Adam just smiled, snapping the cap open on the bottle of lube. "I know that now, honey. It's so mutual. Don't think about that right now. Just be here with me."

Kurt felt a little more tension drop away when Adam produced a condom and put it on without any discussion at all. Whatever agreement they'd had between the five of them regarding unprotected sex had expired long ago. They'd have the conversation again, but now was not the time. He just wanted Adam inside of him.

"Fuck me," he demanded, but Adam's clean left hand came down to clamp over his mouth, stifling any further words. He hadn't stopped smiling.

"When I'm ready."

The image that came into Kurt's mind as Adam rocked into him was of Adam on his back during the audition, singing Gaga into the microphone with joyous abandon. He moaned against the pressure of Adam's hand, keeping him quiet, and pulled his knees back further toward his ears as his own hand slid down between them to grip himself. How would he ever be able to get through rehearsal beside him without being completely  _obvious_  about what was going on between the two of them?

"You feel so… good," Adam breathed. There was no effort to make it last, from either of them. This was going to be hard, and fast, and Kurt didn't care that he'd be sore later; this type of pain had its appeal, too. Already, he could feel Adam tensing. "That chandelier… want you suspended like that, honey… oh god, missed you, taking you like this, you and Noah…"

That made him whimper, all the memories of the three of them together. It had been a long time since he and Blaine had had another man in their bed. It wasn't something he could do without a hell of a lot of trust, and even though Blaine would probably have gone along with anything he'd asked of him, Kurt knew the difference between two people loving a third, and three people making love,  _together._ He wasn't willing to settle for the former. The memories were enough to spur him on, and he reveled in Adam's appreciative sounds as he came hard on his own chest. Adam sped up, thrusting hard, and joined him.

"That's it," Adam crooned, "just like that… so beautiful, giving me just what I want."

The words hit him hard. He was already off-balance enough that he found himself clutching for Adam and burying his face in his chest. Adam responded by stopping immediately, putting a hand on Kurt's face.

"What is it? Did I say the wrong thing? Kurt —"

"No," he said, shaking his head, "it's just… you  _know_  what you want. A year later. You're sure you still want that?"

Adam sighed. "Kurt, I thought this wasn't going to be about that. It's just about what we want, right here, right now."

"That's not what I — god, Adam, don't you think I want this too? I'm the one who asked  _you._  I'm saying, everything's so different without Finn, and I'm trying to keep it together, and —" He made a noise of frustration. "And now I'm fucking  _this_  all up, too."

Adam turned his head far enough to kiss him. "Honey. Just stop. That flogging barely touched the surface of what you're dealing with. We can get through it, but it's not going to happen in one night."

"So much for right here right now." But Kurt felt the words relax him. He didn't have to deal with this all himself. Adam was here, and he wanted to help. "I'm such a mess."

"No more than any of us. You lost a partner. That's going to take time to get through. Give yourself a break." He backed up, holding Kurt firmly by the shoulders. "And  _let me help."_

"I —" Kurt took a shuddering breath. "Okay. Thank you."

They ducked into the bathroom together for a quick shower, being as efficient as they could, although neither one did a very good job of keeping his hands to himself.

"Starchild," Kurt said, shaking his head. "What was that all about, anyway?"

"Ziggy Stardust?" Adam looked vaguely insulted. "Okay, we really need to work on your pre-eighties pop culture references. He was a messenger from a race of extraterrestrial beings, sexually promiscuous, basically there to deliver a message of peace and love."

"A messenger, huh?" He glanced sideways at Adam as he climbed out of the tub. "Don't tell me he came to tell me not to get married to Blaine."

"No, Kurt. To do exactly what you told me you wanted to do: to listen to your heart." Adam accepted the towel Kurt handed him with a meaningful look. "It's never led you wrong before."

They dried off and got dressed in silence. Sitting on his bed and tying his shoes, Adam looked up at Kurt and sighed.

"Honey… you know that song was for you.  _Marry the Night."_  He watched Kurt nod reluctantly. "I may be your warrior queen, but you have always been my knight in shining armor. I trusted you when you told me I needed to leave Sauli."

Kurt touched his shoulder. He could feel himself blushing. "Not because I didn't like him."

Adam smiled. "I know you didn't like him. And I also know that's not why you said it. You knew I wasn't happy, that that relationship was never going to be what I wanted."

"No, I knew you were leading him on," said Kurt, "and  _he_  didn't deserve that."

"Sauli didn't have any illusions about what I could offer him. He knew from the beginning that my heart was elsewhere." He placed his hand on top of Kurt's. "Still is."

Kurt swallowed on a dry throat. "We, um… you should get going, I think. The girls will be home soon and we probably don't want to explain —"

"How I picked up Chinese food and brought it over as a peace offering, and in an attempt to get to know my bandmates better?" Adam grinned at his surprise, holding up his scribbled order for Gourmet Garden. "How about you let me pay."


	3. Chapter 3

There were still leftovers in the fridge from Adam’s Chinese food the other day, but Dani had brought pizza with her tonight, and fresh pizza trumped leftover Chinese by a narrow margin.

“Although, in the game of leftovers,” Kurt observed, reaching for a second slice, “Chinese wins hands down every time.”  

“Well, I figured if Rachel was going to be at rehearsal, we could get our cheese and meat on.”  Dani reached down and patted her guitar case, grinning at Adam.  “And make some harmonies.  I’ve been jonesing to sing with you again since that kick-ass audition.”

“Lucky Kurt had a change of heart.”  Santana regarded Kurt over crossed arms.  “You can say it any time.   _I was completely wrong, Santana._   Go ahead.  Just open your mouth and let the words come out.”

“Well, Kurt thought I should tone down my image,” said Adam.  “That was probably a good suggestion.”

“Oh,  _hell_  no,” Dani said passionately.  “Your image is fantastic just the way it is.  Turn it up to eleven.  You said you got your inspiration from the  _Ziggy Stardust_ album?  I wouldn’t mind singing a little Bowie.”

“Yeah, except apparently Kurt’s never heard of Ziggy Stardust.”  Adam watched Dani open the case on her Les Paul with avid interest. 

“Kurt can Google lyrics on his iPad,” Kurt replied, trying not to grin at Adam’s restless excitement, “and unpack a harmony line after one readthrough.  We’re all professionals here.  Just give me a little context.”

He felt better when it appeared Santana was as clueless as he was.  They all hummed along while Dani strummed the chords and Adam fed them the melody.

“It was  _the_  definitive concept album of the 1970s,” he said, “as influential as the Beatles were in the 1960s.”  His eyes flashed at Kurt.  “The instructions on the album were to play it at maximum possible volume.”

“We won’t  _try_  to piss off the neighbors tonight.”  Santana came over to sit on the arm of Kurt’s chair, reading over his shoulder, but Kurt couldn’t keep his eyes on the words.  He was watching Adam lose himself, the music taking him to a place where emotion was primary.  He was pretty sure Adam couldn’t  _actually_  have toned down his image if he’d tried.  The fact that he was wearing ordinary street clothes didn’t change Adam’s voice, Adam’s presence, Adam’s utter devotion to whatever he happened to be singing at that precise moment.

[ _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLamhmCYwX4_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLamhmCYwX4)

_Pushing thru the market square  
_ _So many mothers sighing  
_ _News had just come over,  
_ _We had five years left to cry in_  

 _News guy wept and told us  
_ _Earth was really dying  
_ _Cried so much his face was wet  
_ _Then I knew he was not lying_  

_I heard telephones, opera house, favorite melodies  
_ _I saw boys, toys, electric irons and T.V.'s  
_ _My brain hurt like a warehouse  
_ _It had no room to spare  
_ _I had to cram so many things  
_ _To store everything in there  
_ _And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people  
_ _And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people  
_ _I never thought I'd need so many people…_

Kurt sang along, following Adam’s rising and falling dynamics.  When they got to the line about  _so many people,_  however, he pressed his lips together and went back to humming for a little while.  A song about the end of the world and needing people felt a little raw at the moment — but, then, really, everything did.    Adam carried the melody while the rest of them fell into a comfortable backing harmony on the chorus.  

“Sweet,” Dani said, sounding satisfied, when they were done.  “Bowie suits you, Elliot.”

“Might be the flamingly gay thing,” Adam mused.  Santana snorted.  

“We’ve got  _that_  in spades.  We might as well name our band Queers-R-Us.”

“Not if we want Rachel to join,” Kurt said.  He wasn’t going to go into detail about his own suspicions about Rachel, because however she identified was more important than his judgment about her.  “Are all the songs from that album that depressing?”

Dani and Adam grinned at each other.  “Moonage Daydream,” he said, and she nodded, playing a dramatic opening chord.

[ _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFDj3shXvco_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFDj3shXvco)

_I'm an alligator, I'm a mama-papa coming for you  
_ _I'm the space invader, I'll be a rock 'n' rolling bitch for you  
_ _Keep your mouth shut, you're squawking like a pink monkey bird  
_ _And I'm busting up my brains for the words_  

_Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe  
_ _Put your ray gun to my head  
_ _Press your space face close to mine, love  
_ _Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah_

_Don't fake it baby, lay the real thing on me  
_ _The church of man, love, is such a holy place to be  
_ _Make me baby, make me know you really care  
_ _Make me jump into the air_

Adam was staying in his chair, minimizing his dancing, but he couldn’t entirely eliminate his dramatic moves.  Kurt sighed as Santana applauded, obviously as much for Adam as for Dani.  

“So much for not being outrageous,” he muttered. 

“So much for not being an  _asshole,”_  Santana declared, swatting him on the arm.  “I thought you’d gotten over this.  Kurt Hummel doesn’t have to be synonymous with outrageous for you to appreciate something awesome.”  She turned to Adam.  “That was awesome, in case you didn’t catch that compliment.”

“Thanks,” he said, smiling at her.  To Kurt, he added, “It’s okay.  I’m willing to keep adjusting my style until it works for you.”

“Now, that’s very big of you, Elliot.  Kurt’s really not always like this.”  Santana slung a brotherly arm around his shoulder, while Kurt tried very hard not to punch her.  “You know, back in high school, he actually got invited to California to sing with Lady Gaga.”

Adam’s eyes lit up with mirth, but he was thankfully saved from having to respond by Dani’s exclamation.  “Get  _out._   How did  _that_  happen?”

Kurt told a brief account of how he’d reworked Gaga’s prerelease of  _Hair_ , and how Puck’s brother had played it for her.  Dani was beside herself.  

“What was that like?  Was she as completely amazing as she seems?”

“It was — an incredible trip,” Kurt agreed, not looking at Adam.  “And a lucky break.  I’ve been back to visit a couple times since then, but our accompanist in our Glee club ended up doing extensive work on her  _Born This Way_  album.”

“Wow,” Adam said casually.  “I’m surprised you’re not in LA instead of New York, with all your contacts out there.”

Kurt sniffed.  “This is where I belong.  I’m not looking to release a hit song.  I want to be on the stage.”

It wasn’t exactly true, though, and Kurt heard his own comments to Rachel echo in his head:  _Does that give me financial security?  A mass audience?  A song on the radio?_   Adam was being a pushy, obnoxious dork, but he had a point.  

“You know, I get that,” Adam said, sitting on the edge of the couch.  “I’ve done some work on the stage, and it’s a real rush, being part of an ensemble like that.”

“Oh yeah?” Dani asked, noodling through the chords to Gaga’s  _Hair_.  “What shows did you do?”

Adam grinned.  “I understudied Fiyero in  _Wicked._   I was Charlie MacLaren in  _Brigadoon._ There were a couple other things that sucked.”

After that, Kurt couldn’t do anything but choose the furthest chair away from Adam and Dani while they sang.  At least Santana was distracted enough by Dani’s smooth guitar stylings not to notice how tense Kurt was — or maybe she just assumed it was his normal state of being around “Elliot.”  Eventually they devolved from rehearsal into talking about the name again, which wasn’t any less stressful.

There really wasn’t anywhere private to talk in the loft, but Adam caught him on the way to the bathroom.  He gave him an appraising glance that was much more serious than anything he’d shown in front of the others.

“You’re going to give yourself a headache,” he murmured.  “Would you just go to bed and let us wrangle this band name into submission?”

 _I can set my own goddamn bedtime, thank you very much,_  he wanted to snap, but that would have drawn more attention than he would have cared to attract.  “I’m fine,” he said instead, pushing past Adam and closing the door behind himself.  

He wasn’t going to let himself cry, because the way he’d been feeling for the past month, he wasn’t likely to stop any time soon if he started.  Instead he sat on the edge of the clawfoot tub, taking deep breaths and trying to release some of the tension that had taken up residence in his neck.

But there wasn’t any time in which Kurt wasn’t paying attention to Adam’s body language.  When Rachel got home, Kurt watched Adam slip quietly to the back, his arms crossed, while Kurt talked her into joining the band.  Adam was more of a listener after that, making few comments as they called Caden, the drummer from Kurt’s instrumental theory class, and Dani’s bass-playing friend Bethany, to schedule a practice for later that week.  

Later, while he was moisturizing, Kurt heard but didn’t quite understand the ringtone that emanated from his cell phone.  No wonder, since he hadn’t heard it in over a year.  He scrambled to silence the sound of Adam’s twenty-one second sustained note before picking it up.

“Hey,” Adam said softly.  “So… Pamela Lansbury, huh?”

“It was a perfect name,” Kurt replied in a whisper.  “And I’m not talking to you right now.  Rachel and Santana are right on the other side of this fake wall.”

“Why is this such a problem?”

“Because I’m  _engaged,”_  he hissed.  

“Kurt, you’re  _polyamorous._   Don’t tell me Santana and Rachel don’t know this about you.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but ended up shutting it again.  He couldn’t figure out what to say,  because it was a completely reasonable question. 

“Are you saying you want to ask me out on a date, Elliot?” he said in a normal tone of voice.  

Adam laughed, a little nervously.  “I’m saying if I did, would it be the end of the world?  And… god, honey,  _yes._   I want to ask you out on a date.  I want to be in your bed right now.”

“That’s a big jump, from  _taking me out_  to  _sleeping in my bed.”_   But he couldn’t help smile.   “I’m going to have to talk to Blaine about this.”

“I — of course.  Yes.”  Adam dropped his voice, sounding bewildered.  “You mean it?  You would do that for me?”

Kurt rested his forehead on his hand.  “I don’t know.  But you’re right.  There’s no reason I shouldn’t consider it.”

“If you want me to court you all over again, Kurt, you know I’ll do it.  I’ll do anything you ask.”

“Okay, that’s a little creepy, coming from you.  I really don’t want you to be my slave.”

“No,” Adam agreed.  “No… I think I know what you want from me.  You let me know what Blaine says, okay?  And I’ll see you on Friday.”

“Good night… Ellot.”

When Kurt set his phone down, Rachel was standing beside the frame of orange crates that formed the entrance to his sleeping area.  She was smiling, but her face was sad.

“Did he really ask you out?”

“I think so.  I mean, yeah. He did.”  Kurt closed his eyes, shaking his head. “I don’t know if I want to get into this, Rachel.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she said hastily.  “I know how you guys are.  I just… I think it’s a little soon, don’t you?  After… Finn, to start thinking about somebody new?”

“Finn and I haven’t been together in a long time.”  It hurt to say it, though he couldn’t figure out why.  “Not really.  He made his choices after high school.”

Rachel shrugged, crossing her arms.  “I know.  You’re not the only one he left.”  She glanced at the phone.  “I like Elliot.  He’s really talented, and he seems nice.  But you don’t know anything about him.  Just… go slowly, okay?  Be careful.”

“I will be.  I already told him I had to talk to Blaine about it first.”

She laughed.  “Blaine’s not going to say no to you.  He  _never_  says no to you.”

“I’m still going to give him the chance.  I think that’s part of the deal, when you get engaged?  Some kind of veto power over stupid dates with gorgeous musicians?”

Rachel’s smile went playful.  “He is pretty gorgeous.”

“Oh, and who’s going slowly now?  Shoo, shoo.”  He made flicking motions at her from his seat, and she scampered out of his room.  

But Kurt took his time with the rest of his moisturizing routine, and by the time he got in bed and opened his laptop to log into Skype, it was almost Blaine’s bedtime.  He looked a little anxious, as he often did when routines got disrupted, and Kurt felt a twinge of guilt.  

“I’m sorry to be late,” he said, settling back against the pillow.  “I got a call.  From… Elliot.”

“Oh!”  Blaine smiled.  “Things are going okay?  With… with the band, and everything?”

“Yes.  Everything’s fine.”  He’d told Blaine about Adam’s visit earlier that week, and Blaine’s response had been one of relief and support, although he’d seemed a little uncertain.  “He said something about… asking me out on a date.”

“A date.  The kind of date that Rachel and Santana would know about and grill you about?”

“Yeah, that kind.  It would be… beyond weird, but I have to say there’s something appealing about not having to hide.”

“Kind of.”  Blaine’s voice was gentle.  Kurt winced.

“I can’t imagine trying to be  _completely_  open about this, Blaine.”

“As long as A- as long as he wants to stay hidden, I don’t think you can do it any other way.”  He leaned forward, his eyebrows furrowed.  He whispered quietly enough that neither Rachel nor Santana could hear.  “Do you… want this, with him?  Dating him, a relationship with him?”

Kurt leaned in too, wishing he could hold Blaine’s hands.  “Would it freak you out if I said yes?”

“Baby, no.  I told you, I think he’s good for you, and you  _need_  that, from… somebody.”  He shifted restlessly.  “Did you talk to Puck?”

“I didn’t want to get his hopes up until A- we had things resolved.  I’m not going to be able to get in touch with him for eight weeks, anyway.”  He let out a breath.  “This is impossible.  How could I even be  _thinking_  about this?”

“Well, you have a green light from me, Kurt.  And I trust you to make a good decision.”  Blaine yawned, climbing under his covers.  As Kurt watched him strip off his t-shirt, he paused.

“Where did you get that shirt?”

Blaine picked it up.  “I don’t know?”

“Blaine, that’s Finn’s shirt.  I can see the two dots on the tag.”  After they’d mixed up their t-shirts too many times in the laundry, they’d established a code: one dot for Burt, two for Finn, three for Kurt, four for Noah, five for Blaine.  “Did you take it from the giveaway box?”

“I — I guess I must have.”  He was a terrible liar, but most of the time it didn’t bother Kurt.  It just made him feel even more protective of Blaine than he usually did.  

“Can you snag one for me?”

Blaine’s face softened.  “Of course.  I’ll bring it with me the next time I visit.”

* * *

_You held me down but I got up  
_ _Already brushing off the dust  
_ _You hear my Voice?  You hear that sound?  
_ _Like thunder, gonna shake your ground_

_-[Adam Lambert, “Roar”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuvukU5HRNM) in A Katy or A Gaga_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now things start to get complicated. It was really interesting writing this chapter on Thanksgiving while sitting around with my family. Warning in this chapter for temporary speech impediment, m/m sex and discipline. 
> 
> -amy

 

Kurt wasn't sure if he should tell Blaine that Tina had texted him a copy of the video of Blaine twerking in the choir room, but he figured it would be better for Blaine to hear it from him than from somebody else.

_You've got some pretty hot moves,_ he told Blaine.  _Can't wait to see them in person._

_Oh, god, Kurt,_  Blaine replied immediately.  _Was it Tina? I swear I'm going to kill her._

_No, no! I'm serious, it was lovely. Anyway, I sent you Adam swinging on the chandelier, didn't I?_

_There was nothing embarrassing about that. Okay, maybe the extreme pelvic thrusts were a bit much. Don't you dare share that video with him!_

Kurt sighed, slipping his phone back into his pocket. There wasn't much danger of that happening. Other than rehearsal with Pamela Lansbury on Friday, he'd barely spoken to Adam all week. He'd let Blaine distract him with scandalous stories about Glee club singing "Blurred Lines" and parties in the bathroom, while all the time he couldn't stop thinking about how complicated his life had suddenly gotten. There seemed to be a lot of questions and not many answers.

Like, what would happen when the world realized who Elliot Gilbert really was? Kurt was pretty certain somebody was going to figure it out eventually. What would Adam do then? Would he stay at NYU if his cover was blown? He'd need a hell of a lot more than Jacob to watch him. For a moment, Kurt wondered if someone were keeping tabs on him now, but decided that was a silly question; there was no way Tess would let him go unwatched.

And then there was Blaine himself. Kurt had spent more than a little time worrying about Blaine getting what he needed without Finn  _or_  Puck. It did seem he wasn't going to deal with his grief in front of Kurt. He wondered if he'd do well to ask Mr. Berry to find Blaine a grief therapist. He could ask his dad and Carole, but they had enough of their own grief to deal with. And Blaine might be staying at their house, but he wasn't their son, not quite in the way Puck and Sarah were. Kurt suspected that his dad and Carole had always been so hands-off about Blaine precisely because all three of them had been so possessive of him. Now, half the time, he was the only one at the house.  _We never worry about Blaine being home alone,_  Carole told Kurt once.  _He's more responsible than most adults._

But  _he shouldn't have to be alone,_  Kurt wanted to say, now. Blaine had Sam and Tina and the rest of Glee, but it wasn't enough. Kurt knew with his whole heart that this was true. He knew what Blaine needed, and Blaine wasn't getting it, and —

And Blaine seemed to be doing okay anyway. He sighed, cradling his head in both hands, and went to find Rachel. She listened while he reviewed the situation.

"What does this  _mean?_ " he demanded. "Either Blaine  _is_  fine, and I don't really know my boyfriend as well as I think I do, or Blaine really  _isn't_  fine, and —"

"Kurt," Rachel said, giving her head a little shake. "Blaine isn't going to be fine for a while. Neither are you." She shrugged. "Or me. I don't think anybody expects us to be. He's at home in Lima with Mr. Schue and Glee club. I think they're helping him more than you realize."

But Kurt wasn't convinced. Rachel wasn't the intuitive one. That was  _Finn._  Kurt could overthink the situation to death, but it wasn't going to get him any closer to the truth.

"Do you think you — might want to talk to somebody?" he asked Blaine that night over Skype. "About Finn?"

"I talk to Mrs. Pillsbury," he said, "and Coach Beiste sometimes. You know they understand. You really think I should tell  _more_  people?"

When Blaine was using better logic than Kurt himself was, he knew something was definitely not right with the world. But it was like seeing the truth and knowing how to deal with it were two different things. When Rachel came to him with her snazzy new hairdo and called him out for sitting around the house eating and worrying all the time, all he could do was agree with her. Maybe he  _did_  need to do something rebellious, to dive headfirst back into life.

"You know, Finn told me once," he said, getting his bag, "doing  _something_  is sometimes better than doing nothing, even if you're not sure it's the  _right_  thing."

Rachel seemed to think that sounded pretty good. And still… Kurt wondered. What was being rebellious really going to get him, in the end? The five of them had put a great deal of thought and effort into getting their first tattoos, and even that one he covered up with makeup half the time. Not for the first time, he wondered if he should just tell Rachel about it.

_But that's mine,_  he thought, putting a hand over his heart to cover the tiny triplet note.  _This is my memory of a simpler time. It's never going to be like that again._

The limoncello tasted disgusting on its own. He wanted to say  _Alec told me he'd never tattoo a drunk person because the alcohol thins their blood,_  but this tattooist didn't even seem to notice. He put him facedown on the table and accepted Kurt's printout of his  _It gets better_  in script.

By the time they got home, he was too inebriated to bother to brush his teeth, which he vaguely realized would be a problem in the morning. He did get out his cell phone and look at it, trying to remember who he should call every night before bed.

"Adam," he murmured, and pressed the right buttons. He waited for him to pick up.

"Kurt?"

He rolled over onto his back before he realized the tattoo was there and returned to his front. "I wasn't sure if you'd be around, since it's so early, but then I remembered you were in my time zone now. Then I remembered it's been two years since you made me call you every night, and —"

"Kurt," he sighed, "are you pretending to be drunk again?"

"No, I think this time I might actually be drunk. A little drunk." He hiccuped. "It was a little bottle, for a little tattoo."

"A — Kurt, are you home?"

"I'm home," he confirmed.

"Okay. Thank god. Now tell me you didn't get a tattoo."

"I didn't get a tattoo," he said obediently. "Except I  _did._  It's a little one, and it's on my back, I can't even see it." He pouted, waving his hand expressively, even though Adam wasn't there to see him. "What's your problem, anyway?  _You_  have lots of tattoos. That new one on your shoulder, with the drinking-water-guy, I've only seen in pictures."

"Yes, and I've considered each tattoo carefully, but that's not my point. It's your body, honey, you can do what you want with it."

Kurt felt his breath catch. "I know. There's… there's no one I have to answer to."

"No," Adam agreed. "You're your own man now."

Now he just felt like crying. "That  _sucks."_

"You've got choices, Kurt, but you're not going to make them tonight. Do you want to come over?"

"Oh." He raised himself up on both arms, propelled by a surge of hope, accompanied by lust and apprehension. "God, I… I don't think I could manage getting dressed again."

"Do you know what you need?"

He let his eyes fall closed, feeling the tension gathering in his chest. "No," he whispered.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. It's okay, honey. Just go to sleep and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Just call me when you're ready, and I'll come over."

He had no idea how he was going to get to sleep after that, but somehow he managed it, resting on his side and clutching his boyfriend pillow tight around him. It wasn't exactly like being held down by someone else, but it was better than nothing. He thought about Rachel, sleeping alone in her own bed, and wondered if she missed Finn for any of the same reasons he did.

_Rachel doesn't have anybody to take care of her,_  he thought, before drifting off to sleep. It made him sad. She was, in a weird way, a part of his family too.

But in the morning, his muzzy brain could only think about Noah. It was strange how much he missed him in the mornings, and it only had a little bit to do with Noah's breakfasts. It had taken a lot of work to salvage what was left of their relationship after the disaster of junior year. Kurt wouldn't have chosen to taunt Noah by asking for more intimacy than he could provide, or requiring him to submit the way he'd used to, but some mornings, the memories of Noah in his arms were tangibly painful. Blaine was perhaps the only person in the world who would understand. He reached for his phone.

_Missing Noah,_  he sent.  _And you. And other people._

It was early, but not so early that Blaine wouldn't be awake and getting dressed for his workout.  _Oh, baby,_  the reply came back.  _Yeah. I know how exactly how that is. Can I do anything to help?_

He smiled. Blaine was such a good boy, even if he wasn't Kurt's. He just wanted to take care of everybody.  _You can absolve me of guilt for getting a tattoo without telling you first._

_You got another tattoo? That's so cool! What is it, where? Tell me, tell me!_

Kurt had never wondered if Blaine would be upset. Blaine really would do anything for him, gladly, without once questioning it. He sat up in bed, trying to reach around to touch his shoulder blade.  _I'll have Rachel take a picture of it and send it to you._

* * *

But his first phone call, after returning to the tattooist who'd made the ghastly mistake, was to Adam. He'd already walked three blocks past the subway station before he realized where he was walking.

"Um," he said, feeling the metal in his mouth. "Are you home?"

"I'm on my way back from the grocery store. Where are you?"

"I'm four blockth from you. I think you need to thee this."

"Are you eating something?"

"Crow. A big mouthful of crow. Can I pleath come over?"

He hurried, but Adam still made it to his apartment before he did. He ushered Kurt in, shutting the door and pulling down a set of roll-down opaque vinyl blinds.

"Tess threatened to come after me personally if I didn't take good security precautions. We're being watched, but as long as we're here, nobody's going to worry about what we do. Now, what…" He turned around — and stopped when he saw what was protruding from Kurt's mouth, his eyes widening. "Oh,  _shit._  Don't you point that thing at me, mister."

"You hate it," said Kurt, as best as he could.

Adam shook his head, taking Kurt into his arms. "No. I don't hate it. I'm… feeling a little defensive of your body. Protective, maybe." He clutched him harder. "Possessive."

"Yeah?" It was with more relief than fear that he took that in, leaning his face on Adam's chest. "Careful of my back. Therth's a new tattoo there."

"Boy, you really were asking for it, weren't you?" Adam murmured, patting his shoulder gingerly. "Come on. Let's see it."

Kurt unbuttoned his shirt and unwound his scarf again, letting Adam untape the bandage and investigate the red, swollen skin on his shoulder blade.

" _It's got Bette Midler?"_ He raised a dangerous eyebrow. "Really?"

"Better than what it wath an hour ago. I can't complain." He shrugged back into his shirt. "And I actually think it's great. Nobody else needs to love it but me."

"Well, I'll learn to love it because it's on your body, and I love everything about your body." Adam bent down and kissed his neck above the collar of his shirt, clearly delighted by Kurt's whimpering noises. "You're not in too much pain to let me enjoy it? I'd hate to miss this opportunity to be alone with you."

"Not in too much pain," he promised. "I… I told you latht night that I didn't know what I needed, but… I think I do." He looked up, waiting for Adam's response.

Adam just stood there, looking back at him with such love and care that Kurt blushed. Adam shrugged.

"Well, when you're ready to ask for it, you can." He held out a hand. "Until then, will you come to bed with me? I can think of a couple positions that won't give your tattoo any trouble."

Kurt was silent, letting Adam undress him, kneeling on all fours on the tiny twin mattress while Adam slicked him up and slid into him. Every time he thought he was ready to ask for what he needed, he opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come out. He just let Adam take him, gentle and slow and with infinite patience, leaning over his back and covering him with his body.

"What are you wanting, hmmm?" Adam prompted once.

Kurt took a hitching breath. "Noah."

Adam paused, sighed, and ran his fingers through Kurt's hair before continuing fucking him lazily. "He misses you too."

"I'm not thurprithed. He needth tho many things, and… I don't think he'll ever let me give them to him again."

"Don't be so sure. It just takes time to heal, after something like this." Kurt felt Adam's hand reach around, but instead of moving to his cock, Adam put a hand over his heart, covering the tattoo. He leaned into Adam's hand, letting him bear some of his weight.

"I don't know how to athk," Kurt whispered.

Adam giggled, slowing his pace even more. "I'll admit, I was really hoping to hear you say the word 'spank' with that tongue of yours. But if it's too hard, honey, I'll do it for you anyway. I just need to know you want it."

"Oh, my god, Adam," he moaned. "I  _want it."_

"Yeah. Thank you for admitting that. Reach under my pillow, there, would you?"

Kurt slid his hand between the pillow and the blanket and touched something cool and smooth and familiar. He felt the tension drop away as soon as he clutched it in his fingers. "Apparently, that'th all I needed."

Adam stopped, carefully holding onto the condom as he withdrew. "Should I just send you home, then?"

"No," he begged, tucking the paddle into Adam's hand on his chest. "No, I need… tho much more. I just don't know to athk for all of it without feeling —" He cut himself off.

"What?" Adam asked gently. He took the paddle from Kurt, resting it on Kurt's behind.

Kurt hid his face in his hands. "Thelfish."

This time Adam didn't laugh. He leaned over and placed a kiss on Kurt's cheek.

"I'm not going to tell you no. I came here from California for  _you._  You get to ask for anything you want. There's nothing I want more than to give you what you need." He rested the surface of the paddle on Kurt's behind. "But you have to tell me you want it. I'm not going to be an asshole about it, but I'm not crazy about the idea of being rejected again. If you'd really rather not have something from me, just don't ask, and I'm not going to force it on you."

Kurt felt something inside let go. He'd never been afraid to cry in front of Adam, not even at the beginning, when he felt so intimidated by his star status. Adam's hand rested on his shoulder as he wept silently.

"You're not forthing me," Kurt said at last. "You're not forthing me to do anything. I want… I want  _you_  to give me what I need."

"I got that, honey." Adam sounded resigned. "But that's more complicated than it might appear, too. Because you get to say no. You can always say no. And I already told you what I think you need, and… you said no."

Kurt nodded, still crying. "And you came back to try again."

Adam sighed. "No. You already made your choice. You said yes to another man."

"But I —" He heard the words come out like a whine, and felt the pressure of the paddle, and stopped himself. "I don't belong to him."

"I won't play that game with you, Kurt," Adam said sharply. It made Kurt flinch, to hear him speak that way, because Adam seldom raised his voice for any reason. "You don't get to distract me with arguments. We  _will_ talk about this, but right now, this is not a negotiation. You're here because I can give you something."

"I'm here becuath I  _mith you,"_  Kurt cried, "becauth when you showed up after a year of being away I realithed how much I was  _hurting_  without you in my life. Becauth I  _need you."_

"Oh," Adam whispered, and fell silent, his breath coming out harsh and ragged. Kurt was pretty sure he was crying too.

"I'm thorry. I thound ridiculouth and I don't  _care,_  I'm just  _tho thorry_ that I didn't call you, but I was thcared that you — that you didn't want me anymore, that I'd made a terrible mithtake, maybe the worst mithtake I've ever made — I just don't  _know_  —"

"All right." Adam's voice was calm now. "I hear you. Are you going to listen to me now?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know I don't think you made a mistake?

He turned his head to look at him, startled. "No?"

"I don't think it was a mistake to say no to me. Not if you weren't ready. Whether or not it was a mistake to say yes to Blaine, I think only you know that for sure." He smiled fondly at Kurt. "When you say yes to me, about anything, I want it to be with your whole heart. Do you understand me?"

"Yeth."

Adam snorted. "Yeah, you do sound ridiculous. And I love you so goddamn much. Now are you ready to get your ass paddled, you naughty little boy?"

Kurt knew it was a joke, but it had its effect, with him already on his knees and Adam holding the wooden paddle, poised to do damage. He squeaked out, "Yethhir."

Adam let out a surprised laugh. "Oh, honey." He positioned his hand carefully on Kurt's back so as to avoid the bandage, pressing his chest into the bed. "You can stay there on your knees. For my peace of mind, please use  _red_  and  _yellow_  if you need them."

Kurt didn't have a chance to respond to that, because in the span of the next two seconds, Adam had already brought down the paddle twice. He didn't even had enough breath in his lungs to yell before Adam had swatted him three more times.

"Don't try to tell me you're too delicate for this business, either," Adam said blithely. "I know you too well for that."

He hadn't even thought about pleading  _too much._  Adam had seen him endure far more intense sessions with far more brutal implements. He had given Kurt some fairly harsh ones himself.

It wasn't about what Kurt could _take_. It was about what he needed to get him through this moment, in which it felt not only safe, but  _sane_  to go to an unknown tattoo artist with a bottle of alcohol and to ask him to permanently mark his flesh. What did that imply about his frame of mind in which he said  _yes_  to anything at all? With each impact of the paddle, his head reeled.

"I'm thorry," he whimpered, trying not to pull away.

"I know, honey." Adam stopped, dropping the paddle on the bed. He crouched down beside Kurt's head, stroking his hair. "I think you're done. I mean, maybe you think you need more, but all I want to do is hold you and tell you how —" He paused, laughing, and shook his head. "How good  _my boy_  is. And that would be a hell of a mixed message when I just told you you weren't going to be my boy again."

Kurt rested his head on his folded arms, leaning in as close to Adam as he could get. "I think I can deal with that."

Adam nudged Kurt's forehead with his. "Yeah? You don't think I'm being irresponsible?"

"Not if you finish fucking me now."

Adam's smile was incandescent. "Do you think that tongue of yours could deal with a kiss first?"

* * *

"… and I got home, and Rachel was really thweet about the tattoo, even though she didn't get one herthelf. I just felt  _so_  much better after I thaw Adam. The comment about being shocked back to life… I'm thure Rachel thought I wath talking about the pierthing — which, honethtly, didn't hurt all that much."

"Well, you know, Rachel understands too." Blaine looked so pleased for him, he had to reach out and stroke the computer screen. "Let me see it again."

"The tat or the pierthing?"

"The piercing. I've been told it feels really good when you're — when you're using your mouth on someone." Blaine still couldn't say things like  _blowing me_  without the aid of alcohol or submission. Even now, he looked away and blushed while he was talking. It was still endearing after three years. Kurt stuck out his tongue and let Blaine have a long look. "You'll, um, have to ask Adam to let me know how it is."

"You'll get to feel it yourthelf thoon enough." He leered at Blaine, who blushed harder. "Tho, what do you thay? Am I gonna get thyber-lucky tonight or what?"

"Kurt…" Blaine hesitated long enough that Kurt's own smile dimmed. "I think I need to tell you something."

"What ith it?" he asked immediately. "Are you okay?"

"Oh — it's good. It's really, really good. I just… things have changed so much in the last couple weeks. I don't even know how to approach this. And I'm not supposed to say anything, but…" He shifted in his chair, scooting forward toward the computer so his entire face filled the screen. "Kurt, do you remember when I was all by myself at Dalton, and Jeff let me call Finn on the phone for the first time?"

Kurt remembered. "I wathn't in the car, but Finn told me about it as soon as he got home. It was the night we decided I needed to go to Dalton and watch out for you. We were  _tho_ lucky Dave agreed to take the fall, or it might have taken me months to get there." He shivered. "God. I don't want to think about how hard it wath for you, those months without us."

"It's okay, Kurt. You took care of me." He smiled. "The point is, I wasn't supposed to call, right? It was breaking all the rules, but Finn and Jeff decided it was important enough to risk my father's wrath for me to hear his voice. Hearing it was like — an epiphany." Kurt saw his eyes light up, and he had to smile. Blaine's reaction to Finn had always given him a tremendous charge. "I had started to doubt Finn was even real by that point, I was so lost in my own misery and trying my damned best to be the perfect boy my father wanted. Anyway…" He shook his head. "After I heard his voice again, I felt like maybe I  _could_  do it after all. I could get through to the other side."

"I underthtand," Kurt nodded. Blaine bit his lip.

"Well, Kurt, I think you need that right now. You ned a taste of what's possible, even if it breaks all the rules. Because I can see what's happening with Adam, and I don't think he's going to let this go. I wouldn't either, if I were him. But I want you to marry  _me._ "

Kurt peered at him through the screen. "Blaine,  _I am_  marrying you."

"Yeah, and I'm so grateful, but — Kurt, I  _know_  I'm not your first choice. I'm not even your second choice." He didn't seem hurt by this idea, just enthusiastically plowed on with his explanation. "You're marrying me because you're my best friend and you want to take care of me. And the only reason I'm okay with you settling with that is because — because I know what you're really going to be getting."

"What… am I really going to be getting?"

"Kurt," Blaine said, looking soulfully into his eyes, "do you trust me?"

Kurt had no idea what Blaine was getting at, but he could tell it was important, and that was enough of a reason for him to take him seriously. "Of courth I do."

"Okay. And do you promise you won't tell  _anyone_  what I'm about to reveal to you?"

"Does it involve a dead body?"

"Not… exactly." He took a deep breath. "Kurt… it's Finn."

"What  _about_  Finn?" Kurt said impatiently.

Blaine smiled. "Finn's alive," he whispered.

"Yeth, I know, baby… he'th always be alive in our heartths."

"No. Kurt, I mean… he's really alive. He didn't die."

Kurt's blood went cold. He licked his lips. "Um… Blaine?"

"I know it sounds crazy. I just need you to trust me. To believe me that there's a reason why I can't tell you any more." Blaine looked completely serious.

"Will... will I get to thee him?" Kurt asked.

Blaine shook his head regretfully. "I can't see him either. That's part of the reason I can't talk about it. But it's not always going to be that way. Someday, I don't know when, but someday… he'll come back to me. To  _us._  And that's why you have to marry  _me,_  Kurt. You're the one who's going to keep us together while we're waiting for Finn to come back."

"Okay," he said. Kurt felt sick. He pasted on the best smile he could muster, hoping it would be enough for Blaine over Skype. "I can do that."

Blaine was overjoyed. "Yeah? You promise?"

"I promise. I think we should get thome thleep now, okay?"

"Thank you, Kurt, for listening. I love you so much."

"I love you too. G'night." Kurt made sure Blaine saw his smile before he disconnected the call. Then he leaned back in his bed, huddling his knees to his chest. He tried to stay calm, but all he could think was:  _my boyfriend is actually losing his mind._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me all day to write, and it wrecked me. I have no other warnings, other than to suggest you have someone around to hug when you are done reading it. If you need virtual hugs, they are available at <http://nubianamy.tumblr.com/> Thank you to everyone who held my hand while I wrote, and to Sara Bareilles’s album [Kaleidoscope Heart](http://www.sarabmusic.com/music/kaleidoscope-heart/) for soundtracking. 
> 
> -amy

 

**_June 2010, summer after sophomore year_ **

_Finn sat on the floor beside Kurt’s bookshelf, watching Kurt get ready.  It made him nervous._

_“Do you want me to go?” Finn asked, obviously not planning to go anywhere._

_“No.  I don’t think I’ll be any less nervous if you’re not here.  I’m just always nervous before an audition.”  He held up the scarf to his shirt, discarding it immediately.  “You really think I should do this?”_

_“I think Lima has one youth theater company and you should be involved,” Finn said.  “Even if it’s a show you think is stupid, like_ Free to Be You and Me _.  I just…”_

_Kurt paused, watching him.  “You just what?”_

_Finn shrugged.  “I’ll miss you while you’re rehearsing.”_

_Kurt had to lean in for a kiss after that, one that extended into a long embrace with Kurt in Finn’s lap.  “It’s not like you’ll be around either, not with summer school.  If Noah’s going to be busy with Beth most of the summer, this’ll keep me busy.”_

_“You know I agree with you.  I’m not being all that rational.”  He smiled, nuzzling Kurt’s nose with his own._

_“_ Why is it that looking down seems so much higher than looking up?”  _Kurt murmured, which made Finn laugh._

_“I recognize that.”  He reached a long arm up to the third shelf and grabbed the right book from the_ _Griffin and Sabine_ _series, flipping it open. “Are we going to read the last one?  I want to find out how it ends.”_

_“You might not like it,” Kurt warned.  “Just because they’re soulmates doesn’t mean they get to have a happy ending.”_

_Finn shook his head, grinning.  “Baby, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what that means.”_

_Kurt snuggled in closer.  “Yeah?  You really think so?”_

_He kissed him again.  “How about you let me try to prove it to you?”_

* * *

  _Kurt let the door slam when he came in, making Carole look up and frown._

_“It didn’t go well?” she guessed._

_“I forgot that theater is all about who you know and only a tiny bit about how talented you are.”  Kurt threw his bag down with a sigh and collapsed in a chair at the table.  “And that was my only opportunity for summer theater in Lima, which means my other alternative is to follow Noah and Beth around all summer and —“  He stopped, picking up the envelope with_ Griffin _written on it in messy script.  “What is this?”_

_“Finn left it before he went to school.”  Carole smiled as Kurt tore open the paper with a careful finger.  “He made me check his spelling.  Is this some kind of secret code?  I didn’t really understand it.”_

_The note read simply:_ It’s good to get in touch with you at last.  Could I have one of your fish postcards?  Sabine.

_Kurt flushed, feeling the corners of his mouth bend toward his ears, hard enough to make his face sore.  “It’s a quote from a book we’re reading together.  These are the first words exchanged between the two main characters, all in letters. They become penpals, but it’s clear there’s something surprising and unusual between the two of them.”_

_“I must say, you’ve been good for Finn’s literary habits.  He didn’t read much before the two of you started going out.”  She watched out of the corner of her eye as he rummaged in the kitchen desk for a piece of paper and an envelope.  “Are you going to write a response?”_

_“Of course I am,” he said.  “And I know exactly what it’s going to say.”_

Sabine _(he wrote):_ As dad would always say, when in doubt, play for time.  -Griffin

* * *

 

**May 2013 (episode 5.06 Movin’ Out)**

“It’s really good to hear from you, Kurt,” Carole said, “but Blaine’s not here.  I’m not sure when he’ll be back, actually.”

Kurt bit one of his few remaining nails.  He was going to have to spend a good hour tonight filing them to make sure they were even on both sides.  “I didn’t really call to talk to Blaine,” he admitted.  “I was hoping to talk to you, or my dad.  I need to know how Blaine has… been, lately?”

“How he’s been?  What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.  Has he seemed… confused?  Unhappy?  Lonely?  Anything out of the ordinary.”

Carole sighed.  “Well, gosh, I don’t know, Kurt.  After Finn’s funeral, he was a mess, but I know you wouldn’t expect anything less than that.  But he’s gotten steadily better since then, and I think he’s managing really very well.  Better than I would have expected, actually.”

“You see, that’s what I was thinking too.  He said some things to me that… made me a little worried, that’s all, and I was thinking maybe he might need someone to talk to.  But he said he doesn’t want anyone else, that he has enough people.”

“I guess I can’t disagree with that…”

“Crap.”  Kurt groaned, gritting his teeth.  “I can’t handle this.  Blaine made me promise not to say anything, but I don’t think he really knew what he was asking.  I think — Carole, I think he might be losing his grip on reality.  Seriously.”

There was a long pause.  “Maybe I should tell you, then, that he’s on the bus right now with Sam, coming to visit you before his NYADA audition.  Please don’t tell him I spilled the beans, okay?  It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“No, no, it’s okay.  I’d already figured it out.  He’s kind of crummy at keeping secrets.”  Kurt crumpled the note paper he’d been doodling on.  “I’m scared.  He’s saying things that are making me think he’s falling back into that imaginary world he was in at Dalton.”

“You think he’s trying to be Perfect Blaine again?”

Kurt thought about it.  “No-oooo,” he said slowly.  “Not exactly like that.  It’s more like he’s seeing what he wants to see instead of what’s really there.”

“That just sounds like ordinary idealism.  Or immaturity.  I’ll watch him, though, Kurt.  You know I care about him too.  Do you want me to call his mother?”

“No.  No, I’m not there yet.  Involving his parents would just stress him out more.  If we have to talk to his mother, I’ll have Santana’s mother do it.”  He sighed.  “I’m sorry to put this on you.  I was just hoping, you being there, you might have seen something.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t.  But we’ll both watch more carefully. And we can look into finding Blaine a counselor, somebody to talk to.”

“He won’t do it if he doesn’t want to, unless I tell him to.  I’m not going to make him do that.  I don’t want to make him dwell any more in his fantasy world than he already is.  Thanks anyway, Carole.  Tell my dad I’ll call on Friday, and I love you guys.”

“We love you too, Kurt.”

* * *

 

_December 6, 2010_

_Dear Griffin,_

Pain and beauty, our constant bedfellows. 

_I’m not sure if this counts as composition, but today I’m going to have to pretend it does.  It’s about all I can concentrate on.  I know you’d be the first to understand when I say I miss Carl on days like today._

_I miss you, too, baby.  You think you could come home this weekend?  Jeff said he could hang out with Blaine if you want to make the drive back from Dalton._

_It’s a big empty house without you.  I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty.  You’re doing exactly what you need to do, and I’m so proud of you and so thankful somebody from our family’s there with him. It’s just not the same without you here._

_Mom and Burt (I’m not ever going to call him Dad, I swear) are being really cute.  I don’t think they felt bad about staying home for their honeymoon, considering how much decorating they have to do here.  I told them I should pick out the lamps because I clearly have better taste than Sarah does.  I think your dad just about sprayed the table with his beer when I said that.  It was awesome._

_Sarah’s back at school full time, I think she’s doing better.  I’ve been trying to be all big brother about her homework but she’s seriously more responsible about that stuff than I am.  I also don’t think she notices any difference in how hard things are, even after skipping seventh grade, but I told her how much all those absences would affect her record.  You think you could send her an email and talk to her?  I’m not trying to make you be the Top for everybody but she actually does listen to you._

_Puck is… Puck.  I wish I had good news, but it’s not any better. Lauren’s going to take him up north to her cabin on Half Moon Bay this weekend.  Maybe a change of scenery will help._

_I don’t even know what to say about Thanksgiving, or, god, Christmas.  You’re not going to stay there, are you?  Maybe Blaine can go to Santana’s, so you can keep an eye on him here in town?  I keep writing and erasing suggestions here, I’m just going to give up for now.  If you or Jeff have any ideas, let me know, and I’ll run them by mom and Burt._

_Dave said he’s going to try to come out and see you guys on Wednesday, after Blaine’s boxing class.  You’ll have to tell him if that interferes with Warblers stuff.  I still can’t believe we have to compete against you.  This is seriously fucked up, baby — and I know, Glee club is the least of what’s fucked up._

_I’ll mail this after Glee when I get home today.  I hope you’re doing better than I am.  And I’ll say again, you’re exactly where you need to be._

_Would you laugh if I told you to give Blaine a smack on the cheek for me?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  Make it a big kiss for my good boy._

_Love you both._

_Sabine_

* * *

 

Kurt hoped he looked sufficiently surprised when Sam and Blaine appeared at the door of their loft.  He gave them a list of tourist things to do to keep them busy while he was at school and suggested they meet him at Spotlight for dinner.

_When do I get to come over?_  Adam texted him for the sixth time.  

_You don’t,_  Kurt informed him.   _You have to realize, Sam is the one who spilled the beans on me and Finn.  He doesn’t have a good track record when it comes to keeping secrets._

_I’m not a secret, Kurt.  I’m your bandmate, Elliot.  Maybe I kind of have a crush on you.  This would be your chance for Rachel and Santana to see us being friends around Blaine._

It was amazing how his heart fluttered when he read the words  _I kind of have a crush on you,_  from Adam.  

_I’m just not sure I’m ready to do that around Sam,_  he told him.  

It was a useless excuse.  The truth was, there was nothing Kurt could do that was going to make any of this easier — other than ask Adam to use a harsher implement on him.  He wasn’t willing to break his confidence in Blaine, such as it was, to make life easier for himself.  Adam didn’t need to know the specifics of Blaine’s apparent mental break.  He and Blaine had always gotten along just fine, but they weren’t close friends.  Blaine was  _Kurt’s_  responsibility.  And Kurt needed to gather more information before he’d know if he needed Adam’s help or not.  

_At least let me come watch him sing at Spotlight,_  Adam cajoled. _He is going to sing, right?_

_Fine.  Hide in the back.  I’ll get him on the stage around 6:30 after they eat._

Which, of course, was the stupidest thing in the world he could have said, because as soon as Blaine climbed down off that stage, Adam was there in his adorable glasses, shaking Blaine’s hand and “introducing himself.”  Blaine, for his part, did a credible job of not looking more surprised than was appropriate, and Sam did not say the words  _wow, you look just like Adam Lambert,_  so Kurt decided he wouldn’t have to kill himself, or Adam, yet.

“Kurt’s got this shift until nine,” Adam said to Blaine and Sam, “but I’d be happy to go hang out at the loft and make music with you until he gets home?”

“Hey, that would be sweet!” Sam agreed.  Blaine hesitated only a moment, glancing over at Kurt.

“That sounds like an excellent idea.  Don’t worry about us, okay, Kurt?  I don’t want to be a burden on you while I’m here.”

“You’re not a burden,” Kurt promised, squeezing both of Blaine’s hands.  He knew he’d repeat those words about eight thousand times before Blaine got back on the bus to return to Lima.  He also knew that none of the repetitions would penetrate until he had a chance to get Blaine over his knee.  Adam gave him an understanding smile and led Sam and Blaine away toward the subway.  

Rachel paused beside Kurt to watch them go.

“Santana thought you were being obnoxious, pushing Blaine at the stage like that,” she said, “but I thought it was sweet.  He needs the encouragement.  I think Sam does, too.  Okay if I borrow the loft tomorrow to help him get some modeling photographs taken?  The light there is so much better than anywhere else.”

“I guess I can take Blaine out by myself,” he replied slowly.  She patted his shoulder.

“Or the three of you could go out, you and Blaine and Elliot.  Let Blaine get better acquainted with him.”  

“Don’t you  _even_  start getting designs on the three of us, Rachel,” he sighed.  “It’s really,  _really_  not going to happen.”

“Did I say anything about that?  You haven’t said yes to him yet, have you?”

Kurt flushed, thinking of how many times he’d said  _yes_  to Adam in his bed, over and over, the night before at his apartment.  “He keeps asking me out,” he said.  “I think I’m going to have to do it eventually.”

“As long as Blaine’s okay with it, I think you should go for it,” she said.  “I know how much a little sexual tension improves musical chemistry.”

He glared at her.  “Are you telling me you’re in favor of me and Elliot getting together because of the  _band?”_

“Is that such a bad thing?”  Rachel was  _definitely_  laughing at him now.  “Don’t worry about filling up the condiment containers tonight.  I’ll take care of that, and  you can get home to see your fiancé.”

* * *

 

_September 18, 2012_

_Dear Griffin,_

_I have loved you in every manner that my imagination could contrive. I have wanted you so deeply that my body sang with pain and pleasure. You have been my obsession, my passion, my philosophers' stone of fantasy. You are my desire, my longing, my spirit. I love you unconditionally._

_(I actually wrote that quote from my head, so I might have it a little wrong.)_

_I’m kind of pissed at you for going to New York without telling me, but you know I’ll forgive you.  Blaine and I will come out to visit you and Rachel really soon._

_I talked to Mike today.  It was his first day in the Joffrey Ballet.  I don’t even know what city that’s in, is that Chicago?  He sounded excited about what he was doing, but he didn’t say anything about Tina.  I think they broke up for real this time.  He didn’t invite me out to visit him either.  I miss him so much.  I can’t even imagine what you’re going through._

_It still surprises me that we have to figure out our lives along the way, that there’s no map, no rules about how things like this should be.  It’s not like we’re the first people to try relationships like this.  Why aren’t there directions?  It’s scary as hell to think we’re making this up as we go.  What if we get it wrong?  What if we miss crucial steps?_

_I miss you, I miss Rachel, I miss Mike. I even miss Puck, and he’s been in LA for months.  Blaine and I are coping kind of badly.  You’re always in my heart, baby._

_Sabine_

* * *

 

Kurt called Adam right after Blaine left for his NYADA audition.

“An actual phone call,” Adam said. Kurt could hear his smile.  “To what do I owe this honor?”

“I needed to hear your response.”  He didn’t even feel guilty about getting his stuffed Ernie out, snuggling it close to his chest.  “Blaine… wants to be a doctor.  Or a teacher.  I told him he’s just anxious about getting into NYADA, and he hugged me and said  _thank you for knowing me.”_

“I see.  And you think that’s not the whole story?”

“He’s afraid of not getting into NYADA, but it’s more than that.  Something else is happening.”  Kurt could feel the tears lurking just behind his eyes.  “I don’t even know how to say this.  Adam… I think he’s sick.  Emotionally, mentally ill.”

“Oh, honey.”  Adam’s voice was soft.  “What told you this?  What have you seen?”

“He said…”  Kurt choked on the words.  “He said Finn is still alive.  And he meant it.  He really thinks he is.  God, I don’t even know what to do, I’m just so scared.”

“It’s okay,” Adam soothed, “we’ll figure this out, Kurt, don’t be afraid.  It’s going to be all right.  Do you want me to come over?”

Kurt blew his nose.  “No, no… everybody’s in the other room.  I can’t have you here when Sam and Santana and everybody are watching.”

“All right.”  He waited for Kurt to calm down.  “We had a really nice evening, the other night, me and Blaine and Sam.  They were amazing performers.  There’s no way Blaine won’t get into NYADA.”

“I’m glad.”  He closed his eyes, breathing slowly and evenly.  “I’m so grateful for you Adam, I’m not saying that.  You’re just… the wild card.  Nobody expected you to come back, much less me.”

“I’m here to help, honey.”

Kurt cried into his arm for a few minutes before he replied, “Thank you.”

“You know that means more than just listening.”

“I know,” Kurt whispered.  “I’m… not ready to ask for that yet.  I still haven’t found time to do that for Blaine.  But when he goes home, you can bet I’ll be on your doorstep.”

“That’s fine.  I’m not pressuring you.  You know I’m not in any hurry.”

Kurt shivered in his own arms.  “I keep waiting for you to leave me and go home.”

“Oh… honey,  _no._  I’m not going anywhere.”

“But you’ll go on tour,” he insisted.  “You have other things to do.  It’s not like you can just stay in New York forever.”

Adam sighed.  “You think I have priorities larger than loving you, taking care of you?”

“Yes!”  He tempered his voice, knowing the others had probably already heard him.  “How could this be your priority?  You’re working on a new album.  I’m not the only person in your life.”

“Kurt… you’re the  _most important_  person in my life.  It’s just true.  It’s been true for years.  You, and Noah… and he’s got his own issues, I know, but I’m absolutely sure we can get through to him over time — I knew from that very first week, that was what I wanted.  You and Noah.  I still want it.  You’re not going to convince me it’s beyond my reach, not anymore.  Blaine said…”  He took a long breath.  “Blaine said he thinks I’m good for you.  That matters.”

“Blaine also said he thinks Finn is  _alive_  and he’s waiting for him to come back.”

“Well… that’s a different matter.  But whatever he thinks, Kurt, he’s not standing in our way.”

Kurt sniffed.  “He never was.  But he’s my fiancé.”

“I know.”  He heard Adam take a long breath.  “You don’t have to give him up to have me, any more than you had to give me up to  have him.  Neither of us work that way.  We’re not adversaries.  We’re just two men who love you desperately.  Just… let us do that, okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered.

“That’s… yes.  Thank you.  Blaine’s stronger than you think he is.”  

Kurt put a steadying hand on the table beside him.  “I know he’s strong.  That’s not my issue.  It’s that  Blaine thinks everything’s okay when it’s not.  He has  _no idea_ that things are completely going to shit until they actually get there.”

“We won’t let it get there,” Adam promised.   _“I_ won’t let it get there.”

“Thank you,” he said, sighing.  “I’m really grateful to hear that, even though it scares the crap out of me.”

“You can be grateful for and scared of me at the same time, honey,” he said, smiling.  “That’s kind of a compliment.”

* * *

_February 2, 2013_

_Dear Griffin,_

_I've started to hate this city, this country, all these stupid fucking people.  (It’s been a while.  I actually had to go back and look up the quote.  The books are still in the same place on the bookshelf in Blaine’s room where we left them.)_

_Thank you for the birthday present.   Glee club definitely needs all the help it can get, so your offer is appreciated.  Let me know when you want to come into town and do that.  We’re doing the Beatles next month, maybe then would be fun._

_Brad came back, did I tell you that?  After Ryder asked him for help wooing the girl — who ended up being the wrong girl, but that’s a longer story — I managed to get some money out of the general fund to pay for him to be our accompanist for the rest of the year.  It’s really nice to have him back.  God, you should see the kids.  Duncan is huge, and he looks exactly like a miniature Toby, it’s bizarre._

_No, I don’t think Rachel’s going to forgive me.  You’re welcome to work on her from that end, but I’m not really hoping for anything other than “fuck you, all that time you were sleeping with my father.”  It was a long time ago, but she knows me well enough to know I’m not over him yet.  If you want to, you can tell her I’m really sorry, but I don’t even know what that means, you know?  Whatever, she’s eighteen now and she can make her own decisions, just like I did._

_We were eating dinner last night and Sarah made asparagus, and we got into this argument about those vegetables with the leaves that you pull off, I still can’t remember what they’re called, and Sarah said something awful about Puck, and Blaine started crying, and it was just… one of those nights.  But if you happen to talk to Puck before I do, would you tell him to call her?  He wasn’t answering his phone, of course.  You’d think that living in the same city with him, even in the same room sometimes, would mean I’d talk to him more often, but apparently that’s not the way it works.  I bet Adam could make him do it, but I’m not quite ready to resort to that._

_I had a great dream about you last night, but maybe it’d be better for me to share that with you over the phone.  Call me when you get this letter and I’ll tell you all about it._

_I miss you, baby._

_We both love you,_

_Sabine_

* * *

Blaine was already under the covers when Kurt came to bed.  His grateful smile and welcoming body were so much what Kurt needed, and he spent several minutes just holding him before saying anything.

“I miss my bed at home.”

“I miss being in it with you,” Blaine murmured, nuzzling his neck. “Some nights I sneak into your room and sleep there alone.”

“Oh, yeah?”  Kurt’s smile widened.   He sighed, nestling closer into Blaine’s warmth.  “I love that idea, you in my bed.”   _Where all of us were,_  he didn’t say.  “I’m glad you’re there, in that house.”

“It’s hard sometimes.”  Blaine leaned back on one elbow.  “All the memories.  Being alone there with Sarah… I think maybe I should move back to my mom’s house.”

“It’s up to you, honey.  You only have another couple months before you graduate.  I’m sure Carole and my dad would be okay with whatever you want.  They love you.”

“I love them.”  He smiled lazily.  “Everyone in your family is wonderful.  I feel so lucky that I get to be part of it.  Some days I can’t even believe I get that.”  

“You really get that,” Kurt agreed.  “It’s been your family from the beginning.  You belong with us.”

Blaine’s cheeks were pink.  “I belong to you.”

“That’s right.”  He kissed Blaine’s nose, making him go even redder.  “You belong to me.”

“And Noah,” he added.  “Even if he’s not ready for that, right now… I know I do.”

Kurt had too many memories of the way Blaine and Puck had been together to disagree.  “I think there’s always a chance that we could get that back.”

“Yeah?  You think so?”  Blaine’s smile was so hopeful.  Kurt kissed him right in the middle of it, pressing into his mouth until he moaned. 

“Mine, and Noah’s,” Kurt agreed, holding him close.  

“And Finn’s.”

He couldn’t help stiffening in response.  He heard Blaine’s soft sigh.

“You don’t believe me.”

“Blaine…” Kurt began, but Blaine was already shaking his head, smiling again.

“I knew you didn’t.  And really, I don’t blame you?  The police called.  There was a funeral.  Your family went to identify the body.  All the evidence says he’s dead.”

Kurt didn’t say  _they didn’t actually see his body._   Blaine didn’t need any more “evidence” to feed his delusion.  “Baby, I can understand why you’d  _want_  to think he’s still alive.  I wish he were.  My heart hurts for him every day.  He was my Top too.”

“He still is,” Blaine insisted.  “Kurt, you have to find a way to trust me.  I can’t tell you any more details.  It could get all of us into big trouble.  But Finn’s not gone forever.  He’s going to come back, and he loves us all so much.”  

The way Blaine’s face was shining, it made Kurt feel uncomfortable.  He couldn’t help but ask, “Blaine… this isn’t a… a religious thing, is it?”

Blaine stared at him for a moment.  Then he erupted into peals of laughter.  It made Kurt huff in annoyance. 

“The second coming of Finn Hudson?” he sputtered.

“Well, for Christ’s sake, Blaine,” Kurt snapped, which made Blaine laugh harder.  He sat up in bed, waiting for Blaine to calm down.  “It was a reasonable question.”

“No, no, I get it.”  Blaine wiped his eyes with the corner of the sheet.  “Just… I’m pretty sure Finn would roll his eyes and say  _that sounds like Kurt.”_ He smiled, grabbing Kurt’s shoulders and kissing him firmly, once.  “Okay.  I have one thing.  Hang on.”

He scrambled out of bed and padded naked across the wooden floor to his suitcase, rummaging around inside the inner pockets, until he came up with a plastic bag.  From the bag he carefully withdrew two postcards and brought them back to the bed, sitting cross-legged on top of the covers across from Kurt.

“I was a little scared to take these away from home,” he said, “but the fact that they let me have them to begin with means it’s okay.  I only have two so far, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to have any more.”

Kurt looked at the postcards, feeling uneasy.  “What are they?” he asked, although he was pretty sure he knew what Blaine was going to say.

“They’re from Finn,” he whispered.  He clutched them to his bare chest.  “The first one got him in big trouble.  After… his funeral, he called me.  I think he thought he was close enough to Lima to sneak out.  They moved him since then.  See, originally the postmark was from Fort Wayne.  But then I got another one, just last week.  That one’s from Houston.  I don’t know if he’s really there, or if his handlers are camouflaging his location.  I wouldn’t blame them if they —“

“Blaine,” Kurt said, a little desperately.  His hands were itching to hold the postcard.  “Are you saying you  _talked_  to Finn after his death?”

“I told you.”  Blaine sounded impatient.  He pressed the first postcard into Kurt’s lap.  “This first one wasn’t much, but it was unusual enough to make me do what he asked.”

The postcard was in block print, which could have been written by anyone.  Kurt had half-expected to see Finn’s characteristic handwriting, and it was a disappointment to read the vague phrases:  _Come to the Starbucks on Dupont off I-69 after school tomorrow._   The postmark was two weeks after Finn’s death.

Kurt looked hard at Blaine.  “You  _went?_   It could have been a trap — you could have been in danger!”

“Kurt, it was a public place.”  Blaine looked a little offended.  “You think I’m really that careless?  I left a note for your dad and Carole about where I was and when I would be home.”

He waited long enough that Kurt reached for the other postcard, but Blaine held it out of his reach.  

“Was he there?” he demanded.  “Blaine, you can’t —“

“He was there,” said Blaine.  He let out a long, wistful sigh that made Kurt’s heart throb.  “He… well, we didn’t stay in the Starbucks very long.  There was a motel up the road.  We agreed to meet there, and he paid cash.  It seemed safe enough, but I guess it wasn’t.  I mean, I’m lucky he wasn’t killed.”

_“Killed?”_  Kurt yelped.  Blaine looked around nervously, and Kurt dropped his voice to a whisper.  “What are you  _talking_  about?”

“Kurt, when Finn went into the Army senior year?  It was part of a much more extensive plan.  I mean, did you even know he was taking classes at the university while he was in high school?  I sure as hell didn’t.”

“Finn?” Kurt licked his lips, eyeing the second postcard.  It had the same block print as the first one did, but there were more words.  It didn’t say FINN or BLAINE on it anywhere he could see.  “Finn barely got into college.”

“That’s what I thought, too.  And then when I went to the registrar’s office to ask about his postmortem records…”  He looked meaningfully at Kurt, tapping his leg.  “They didn’t have any record of him as a student  _after June 2012._ But he took classes earlier that year, winter and spring semester.  And did pretty well, too.”

“You’re saying he wasn’t a student in 2013?”  Kurt’s head was already spinning.  He was not going to grab for the card.  “But he was living in the dorm.”

“Well, so was Puck.  Kurt, it’s more than that.  Finn explained as much as he could.”  Blaine was huddling closer, seeking contact, and Kurt wasn’t going to deny him that.  “He didn’t drop out of basic training.  He finished it, and he stayed in the Army.  But he had a new CO, someone who was training him to do other things.  Secret things.”

Kurt shook his head, feeling the words buzzing around him like mosquitoes.  “Blaine, this is — impossible.  First of all, Finn wouldn’t do something like this without telling us.”

“He wasn’t allowed to,” Blaine said.  “The kind of training he was doing was for some kind of undercover group.  I don’t know all the details, but… Finn wasn’t joking, Kurt.  He continued training through the summer, and the whole time he was working with Glee club.  He had to keep it from Puck, from me, from his mom.”  His voice was pained.  “I think it really hurt him to do that.”

Kurt shook his head again, harder.  He couldn’t sit there and listen to this… this  _crap,_  come out of Blaine’s perfect, gullible mouth.  He threw the covers back and stood up, walking across the room to his dressing table and putting on his robe.  

“Kurt,” Blaine said.  “He saw something.  While working, he saw something… dangerous.”

“You know, I can see why you’d believe a story like this,” Kurt said.  He tied the tie on his robe, jerking it closed, but the knot didn’t stay, and he had to fumble for it again.  It pissed him off.  The whole conversation was  _pissing him off._  “You would have believed anything Finn told you.  No wonder he came to you and not me.”

Blaine stared up at him, eyes wide.  “Oh, no no no,” he said, reaching for Kurt, “baby, no, that’s not how it was…”

“I can’t,” he said sharply, holding up both hands out of Blaine’s reach.  Blaine stopped short, dropping his hands to his knees.  “I just — I can’t.  Please.”

“If you won’t listen to me, at least read the postcard,” Blaine tried.  But Kurt was done listening.  His heart was racing double time.  He thought if he stayed in that room with all the lies and deception for one more minute, he was going to be sick.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Blaine, but it’s pretty obvious you’ve been pulled into a hoax.  That’s what this is.  A scam.  Whatever Finn was involved in, this isn’t him.  Finn’s not in the Army, okay?  He was helping with Glee club, and going to school to become a teacher, and then he  _died._ He  _died,_  Blaine, and — and we can’t pretend to hang on to him just because we don’t think we can go on without him — “

“Kurt,” Blaine sighed, but that was all Kurt was going to stick around for.  He wasn’t going to listen to  _Blaine_  talking to him with that kind of reproach and disappointment.  Not  _Blaine._   

He turned and headed for the front door.  He heard Blaine get out of bed and follow him, but he’d already slipped on his boots and his coat and was halfway down the hallway.  

It was a warm enough night that he could have left his coat at home, if he’d been wearing clothes, but by the time Kurt reached the corner of Central and Linden, he was shivering.   He recognized this reaction.  He’d seen it in Blaine and Puck, and all the boys he’d dealt with at Dalton, enough times.  

_I’m in shock,_ he thought vaguely, slowing down as he passed the playground.  He reached out for the chain-link fence and hung on, breathing hard, and swallowed bile.  

His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he didn’t reach for it until he’d made his way to the bench next to the bus stop and taken a seat.  It was from Adam.

_Tell me where you are._   

Kurt’s initial reaction made him laugh.   _Fuck you,_  he would have said, if Adam had been right there.   _Fuck. You._   It was classic brat talk.  He would never have let anybody get away with that.  

_I’m so scared,_  he replied instead.  As soon as the words left his fingertips, he began to shake.  

_I’m coming to get you, honey.  Just tell me where you are._

_Heckscher playground on Linden, northeast of Central._

_Okay.  I’m going to call Blaine and then I’m bringing the car to pick you up. Can you wait right there?_

He hid his face in his arms, rocking there for thirty seconds before replying.   _Okay._

_That’s my good boy._

The words ripped out of his throat, loud and absolute, ringing against the empty sidewalk.  “I’m  _Finn’s.”_

God.  Where had that come from? 

With clumsy thumbs, he tapped out a reply.   _Thank you._ Then he huddled there on the bench, shivering in his coat, waiting for the yellow Mustang to appear and take him home.

* * *

Adam didn’t ask where he wanted to go.  He took him right back to the loft, holding his arm like he was an invalid and leading him up the stairs to where Blaine was waiting.  Blaine’s eyes were red and his face was streaked with tears, but Kurt couldn’t find any patience inside himself to deal with him.  

“God, Kurt,” Blaine said, reaching for him, but Kurt shook his head, turning away.  It was as though Kurt had slapped him.  

“Blaine, would you get Kurt a glass of water?” Adam said calmly.  He took Kurt over to the couch and pressed firmly on his shoulder, making him sit down.  Then he crouched in front of him, touching Kurt’s chin until he looked at him.  “Do you want Rachel and Santana to be part of this?”

Kurt shook his head.  “I can’t — I don’t want to deal with explaining.  I can’t.”

“All right, honey.  That’s fine.  It just means we need to stay quiet.”  He glanced at the kitchen, where Blaine was waiting anxiously with the water.  “Can we move this to your bed?”

He was already reaching for Kurt’s hand.  Kurt slipped his fingers into Adam’s palm, feeling the solidity of it, the warm reliability of Adam, holding him up.  He looked up at Blaine, then back to Adam, and nodded.

“Okay.  Blaine?”  Adam indicated the lamp, and Blaine followed his nod, turning off the lights in the family room and locking the front door.  

“Did you park on Linden?” he asked, trying not to let his voice shake.  “They’ll tow the Mustang if you leave it there overnight.”

“It’s in a safe place.”  Adam was taking off his coat, leaving it draped over the chair by his dressing table.  When he reached for Kurt’s robe, Kurt felt himself flinch, and Adam stopped.  “Blaine, would you please help Kurt get ready for bed?”

“Yeah,” Blaine said, stepping in.  “He — we already brushed our teeth.”  He watched Kurt, divesting him of his robe and shoes with uncertain care.  “Are you going to… I mean, should I —?”

“Go ahead and get into bed with him,” Adam said, nodding.  His face was calm and closed.  “I’m not going anywhere, but this is your bed.  I’ll wait while you get settled.”  

Kurt felt the warm weight of Blaine draped across him, under the blanket.  He pulled him in closer, listening to his heartbeat, the rhythm of  his breath.  Over Blaine’s head, he looked up at Adam.  

“Adam,” he said, then stopped.  

“We don’t have to talk about this right now,” Adam said, reaching to switch off the light, but Kurt shot out a hand and grabbed his wrist.  Adam and Blaine both jerked back, staring at him.

“I — think I do.”  He sounded like he was apologizing, and he sighed, feeling frustrated with himself for not being able to get on top of this.  “I think I’m going to have to find some resolution, before I can sleep.”

“Kurt, there’s no resolution here,” Adam said.  “You’re going to have to trust your heart, one way or the other.”

_Trust my heart._ He laughed, on the edge of hysteria.   _My heart has no fucking idea what’s going on._

But in the moment, with Blaine plastered to him and Adam sitting calmly beside them, Kurt could feel the echoes of the first time Puck had asked him to do the same thing.  

_You need him to take care of you and make everything all right,_  Puck had said. _You need him to take you out of that place where you're hurting, or angry, or scared, to a place of love, and trust, and acceptance. You need him to make you feel like you're the most important person in the world to him, and have it be true.  You need him to kiss you, and hold your head still, and use his lips and tongue, and whisper in your ear how much he wants you. You need his hands on you, his words, telling you what to do, how to get what you need. You need him to fill you up, your mouth, your ass, your whole self. You need to let go, and have him there to catch you._

It was everything he’d wanted, offered up to him.  As long as he was willing to trust.  He’d had no reason to believe Puck when he’d said those words, but he had.  He’d done it.  They’d created a relationship based on nothing but a handful of wishes.  It was terrifying, even now.

He opened his mouth, without any idea of what he was going to say, but the words fell out anyway.

“Before I fell in love with Finn, I’d never accepted anything on faith.  Ever.  And I’m afraid if I listen to what you’re telling me, Blaine, that… that I’ll just be giving in to a story.  That I won’t be listening to reason anymore.  I’ll be living in a world of pretend.  Because I can’t imagine being able to survive in a world that doesn’t have Finn in it.”

“I know,” Blaine said.  Kurt could feel the tears pooling on his chest.  He reached for the box of tissues, but Adam was already tucking a handkerchief into Blaine’s hand.  “And I’m sorry to make you have to deal with all of this, Kurt.  I couldn’t handle it on my own.  I wanted you to know the truth, but… I can see how maybe it’s worse, that you do.  Because this is as much proof as I can give you.”

“Blaine,” Adam said quietly.  “You said there was another postcard.”

“Yeah.  It’s over on the dresser.  But it doesn’t really have anything more than I’ve already —“  He sighed. 

Adam stood, went to the dresser and picked up the postcard.  He returned, settling in exactly where he’d been.  “How about I read it out loud?”

“Go ahead,” said Blaine.  He moved the hand resting on Kurt’s chest, and Kurt put his own hand up to capture it, tucking them both under his chin.  

Adam held the card out in front of him.  The words came out in his voice, but if he reached a little, Kurt thought he could hear Finn’s voice somewhere, warm and gentle and human.  

“Patrick,” Adam read, “I’m somewhere new.  I can’t see you again, but I’m safe, and I’ll make sure you are too.  I promise I’ll come back for you, for all of you.  I don’t know when.  You’re going to have to hang on.  Tell —“  He paused.

“Adam?”

He heard Adam’s breathing, uneven in the quiet room.  When he resumed, his voice was thick with unexpected emotion.  “Tell Griffin,  _As dad would always say, when in doubt, play for time._ ”

The bottom dropped out of Kurt’s heart.  “What?” he blurted.

“I’m just reading.  He ends,  _Love, Christopher._   That’s all.”  Adam set the postcard on the table.  “Did that mean something to you?”

Kurt had nothing to hold on to, so he wrapped his arms around Blaine as tight as they could go.  Blaine just let him, the way he’d always submitted to Kurt, with grace and complete trust.

“Yeah.”  The word was a croak.  He cleared his throat, kissing Blaine’s head, and stared up at Adam.  “That — Finn wrote that.  Finn wrote that postcard.  To Blaine, and me.”  

Adam nodded.  Blaine sighed again, this time with contentment, and snuggled closer.

“He’s out there,” he said.  “He’s going to come back.”

Kurt sought Adam’s eyes, but Adam was looking at Blaine.  “He is, huh?”

“Yes.”  Blaine’s voice was the embodiment of certainty.  “And we’ll be here.”

Adam’s mouth tightened, just momentarily.  He reached out and touched Blaine’s head, resting his hand on his curls.  Blaine didn’t react, resting in Kurt’s arms.  

Then Adam stood up, turning off the light, and moved toward the doorway.

“I’ll be on the couch,” he said, “if you need anything.”

Kurt was pretty sure he was talking to both of them.  He watched the shadow of Adam’s figure in the light of the kitchen window as he made his way into the family room.  

“He could have stayed,” said Blaine.  He tipped his head up to look at Kurt.  “I wouldn’t have minded.”

Kurt kissed him, feeling a surge of protectiveness.  “I know, baby.”

The words from the postcard —  _Finn’s_  words — settled in his heart, finding their own rhythm.   _When in doubt, play for time._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’ve got a while to wait before RIB+ serve up some more fodder for me to subvert in season 5, but I think I should be able to fill the time adequately. 
> 
> Spoilers in this chapter through 5x08, and warnings for discussion of discipline and m/m sex. Thanks to Brad’s appearance in 5x07, he gets to play a part too. Enjoy. 
> 
> -amy

 

 Adam seemed to understand that Kurt didn’t have anything to say to him when he called after putting Blaine and Sam back on the bus to go home.  He just let him sit there, huddled in a ball in the center of his bed, making meaningless comments as Adam talked to him.  

“The piano needs tuning.”

“I don’t care.” Kurt nudged his toe out of the covers.  “It’s a piano; that’s better than a weighted keyboard.  And I think it was a very thoughtful gift.”

“I didn’t deny it was.  But you didn’t think he needed anything in return?”

“He couldn’t carry a piano home on the bus.”

“You know what I mean,” said Adam.  “I can’t believe you let Blaine go home without spanking him.”

“It’s okay.  Finn arranged for someone at home to take care of him.  Blaine explained it to me, as much as he could.  He won’t tell me who she is, but —“

“She?”  Adam laughed, which made Kurt bristle.  

“I’m sure  _you_  understand what being Topped by a woman is like.”

“Hell, yes.  But, Kurt, that’s not my point.  He needs  _you_  to do that.”

Kurt closed his eyes, burying his face deeper in the blanket.  “I know.  I already feel bad enough about it.  I can’t imagine I could find a reason to get him back to New York again quickly.”

“A special occasion?  Any birthdays coming up?”

“Dork.  And two weeks isn’t soon enough.”

“Well, maybe we can figure out a performance opportunity for Pamela Lansbury.”

That was an idea.  Blaine might come out for that, if he asked.  But Kurt was feeling just obstinate enough not to want to say so.  “I guess.”

“Subtle, Kurt.  You know I’m not going to come over there unless you ask for it.  No matter how much I think you need it.”

Kurt winced.  “Santana would have a field day if she found out about  _that_  particular part of my personal life.  No, I think it’s going to have to be at your place.  How’s three-thirty tomorrow?”

Adam sounded positively amused.  “Are you scheduling your discipline now, Mr. Hummel?  Would you like valet service with that?”

Adam’s refusal to get angry pissed him off even more, but he certainly wasn’t going to say so.  “Fine, whatever.  I’ll just wait until I’m desperate and then come to you, falling apart.  I know you prefer me that way.”

“I  _prefer_  you happy and whole, Kurt, however you get there.  If I never had to take a paddle to you again, I’d be okay with that.  You want to let me know when you figure out a quicker, more direct route?  Because I’d be thrilled.”

Kurt’s retort stuck in his throat, and he swallowed unexpected panic.  “Really.”

“Whatever you need, that’s what I want to give you.”

“And obviously your needs don’t matter.”

“Kurt.”  He was speaking so gently, Kurt wanted to throw the phone across the room.  “I  _need_  to take care of you.  In a very real, completely undeniable way, you’ve changed me forever.  I’ve spent years living away from you, and I’m done with that.  Do you hear me?”

He lay there under his blanket, trying to keep breathing.  Eventually Adam sighed.  

“I’ll see you on Tuesday night for rehearsal.  Try not to stay up all night worrying about this.”

He had to admit Adam knew him well, even after a year apart.  And his idea about finding Pamela Lansbury a gig was not a bad one, either.  None of those things were problematic.  

It was that Kurt didn’t have anybody to  _talk to_  about these things.  In the past, he’d always cooperated while taking care of others.  With Noah, it had been Finn or Adam; with Blaine and the other boys at Dalton, it had been Finn or Jeff.  Even with Mike, Tina had been there for most of it.  Now he was on his own, taking care of Blaine, along with the shadow of Finn’s secret presence on the horizon, and no one else who knew who Adam was.  He needed advice, but there was no one to ask.

_Other than Adam._   Kurt sighed.  It was the most concrete proof that Adam was right that he could ask for.  As much as he was loathe to admit it, he did need him.

He sent him a text before turning off the light.   _Was that a brush-off in regards to tomorrow, then?_

It was a minute or two before Adam replied.   _Just waiting for you to ask._

_I’m pretty sure I already did._

_And I’m pretty sure that wasn’t actually asking._

Kurt gritted his teeth, glaring at the screen of his phone in the dark.   _I could really use a round with that leather paddle._ Before Adam could respond, he added,  _Please._

_Honey.  I’ll see you at three-thirty._

He was already crying by the time he read the word  _honey,_  but he ignored it and stuffed his phone under his pillow, closing his eyes.  

 

* * *

Breakfast with Rachel the next morning was somewhat amusing.  Santana was, of course, still asleep, being the night owl.  She was watching him from beneath her eyelashes as she carried toast and jam from the counter to the table, positively thrumming with excitement.

“So.”  She set down the margarine with a  _thump._   “Things with Blaine are okay?”

“That’s a loaded question.”  Kurt took a slice of toast and paid more attention to buttering it than he probably needed to do.  Not for the first time, he considered how appalled Noah would be to see margarine on his table, but Rachel’s vegan preferences had rubbed off on him somewhat; he didn’t even mind the taste anymore.   _Or maybe you’ve just forgotten what real butter tastes like,_  the voice in his head whispered.  “I’m still wearing this ring.  He kissed me at the bus stop.”

“And you told him about Elliot’s proposal?” Rachel pressed.  At his startled look, she amended, “Not — _a proposal._   His request.  That he wants to go out with you.”

“I told him right away, before he came to New York,” he said truthfully.   _He was the one pushing me to go out with him, actually._   “He thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Really?”  She shook her head, smiling, and sipped her tea.

“Rachel, come on.  You’ve been part of this, our family.  You know how it works.”  He could feel the growly frustration under the surface, and made an effort not to let it spill out over Rachel.  

“Well, yes… but I also saw how it  _didn’t_ work with Adam Crawford.  He was very sweet, but you didn’t… I mean, I don’t think he quite…”  She wasn’t blushing, but she was clearly struggling to find the right words.  Kurt wasn’t about to help her.  

“Blaine said yes, go ahead.  I said yes, thank you, to… Elliot.  I don’t think I’ll have anything more for you until we actually go out.”

“But does he  _know?_ ”  She dropped her voice to a needless whisper; nothing short of a hurricane would wake Santana in the morning.  “About what  _else_  you do.”

“I do a lot of things, Rachel.”

She snorted.  “Don’t make me go there, Kurt Hummel.  You said we weren’t going to talk about that incident again.”

“ _Yes,”_  he snapped, waving his toast.  “Yes.  Elliot and I, we talked about it.”

Rachel waited while he chewed.  “And?”

He rolled his eyes at her.  “And… we seem to be compatible.  In that respect.”   _Compatible._   He could barely keep from laughing.  “I’m not making any promises.”

“I knew it!” she crowed.  “I  _knew_  he was a Top.  He’s so sweet, but there was just something about him that reminded me of —“  She closed her mouth.  Kurt felt almost sorry for her.

“Actually, he’s a switch, like me.”

“He’s a —“  Her eyes got round as she assimilated that information.  “Oh.  You mean  _you_  might—?”

_I mean I have, many times, until his bottom was pink and shiny._ He shrugged.  “That would be up to him.  I don’t know what he wants from me.”  He dusted off his hands.  “I’ll see you after music theory.”

Kurt texted Blaine while waiting for the Metro, knowing Blaine probably wouldn’t get it until his American government class was over.  Blaine was responsible, keeping his phone on vibrate at school and safely stored in his bag.  He wouldn’t be caught breaking rules unless there was a very good reason for it — or unless he was really losing control.

_Thanks for letting me know you got home safe.  I’d love to have you come visit again soon._

If it had been Noah, he would have said  _I was a total brat to Adam last night,_  or  _I’m really struggling to accept this business about Finn._   Not that Noah knew about Finn.  Not that he would even let Kurt say the word  _Finn_  in his presence without flying off the handle.  He sighed, tucking his phone in his bag as he boarded the train, feeling far more lonely than he thought he should.

* * *

Adam greeted him at the door at three-thirty.  The blinds were already rolled down.

“I swear, I feel like a Russian mafia agent when I come here,” Kurt said, glancing nervously around.  “Where are Philip’s cameras?”

“If I knew, I’d be playing to them.”  Adam took his bag and set it aside, then opened his arms.  Kurt stepped inside them without a second thought, breathing Adam’s scent.  

“You changed your cologne again.”  He stroked Adam’s suede vest.  “I still prefer the Dior Homme.”

“I won’t wear it since they changed the formula.  In the meantime, I’m still looking for my next signature scent.”  Adam kissed his jaw.  “You were very convincing this afternoon at the emergency Pamela Lansbury meeting.”

“It was a very compelling dream.  Us, on stage at Callbacks, Madonna… and we looked  _good._ And Blaine said he would come out to see us.”

“So you can give him what he needs.”  The kisses moved to his mouth, tipping his chin up for better access.  

“God, yes.  He’s starting to act out at school.  Tina and Jake both sent me emergency  _Blaine needs a spanking_  texts, which, seriously, from them, don’t mean much, but… oh.”  He whimpered as Adam’s hand tightened on the back of his neck.  

“I think it’s time for you to stop talking now,” Adam murmured.

 

* * *

Kurt got a phone call on the way home from Adam’s.  He didn’t usually choose to talk on his phone on the Metro, but if Brad was calling him, there was probably a good reason for it.

“Hi!”  He didn’t have to try to sound glad to hear from Brad.  “To what do I owe the pleasure in the middle of the day?  Last I heard you were completely caught up in work on Gaga’s new album.  Which, by the way, Sarah shared the Fashion demo with me, and the piano parts are beautiful.  And Blaine and Sam showed me the video of them doing Applause — that was exciting, that Gaga gave you permission to use it in prerelease! When’s the album coming out?”

“I’m glad you liked it.  The release was pushed back again; I don’t think it’ll be happening until next fall.   I’m at McKinley today, actually.  Will’s leaning on me harder these days, the closer the kids get to Nationals, and he and Emma are even more stressed with Jordan hitting the terrible twos.  She’s cute, but… god, I’m realizing how lucky I was to have easy kids.”

“Tell me about it,” Kurt agreed.  “Bethie had her moments, but she wasn’t a screamer.  And how’s Laurie?”

“Bedrest is not agreeing with her at all.  I think she’s happy to have me out of the house more, but I know she walks around more than she should when I’m not there to watch her.  So far the miracle baby is sticking.  Cross your fingers for us, or whatever other non-deist thing you feel comfortable doing.”

“I do.  I am.”  

“Thank you.  So… I’m calling about Blaine.”

His disapproval was obvious in his voice.  Brad had never pretended to like Blaine, but he seldom brought him up directly with any of the three of them.  Kurt braced himself.  “I heard from Tina and Jake, both.  What have you seen?”

“Kurt, you know I don’t really understand what you guys do, but… he’s kind of out of control.  I tried talking to him before Glee, but he wasn’t even laughing at my jokes about playing online blackjack.  All he wanted to do was go on about how nobody listens to him.  And then he sat down in the back of the choir room and fell asleep.”  He paused.  “I’m sorry if this is overstepping, but… he’s not using again, is he?”

“No,” Kurt promised.  “Definitely not.  After the last relapse, he promised never,  _never_  again.  And I believe him.”

“Okay.  I just wish… I don’t even know what to say.  I know you’re all the way out there in New York, and I don’t want to worry you unduly.”

“Trust me, I’m worried enough all on my own.  But I think it’ll be okay.  He’s coming out again on Thursday to see my band’s premiere.”

“Oh, yeah?”  Brad’s voice brightened.  “You’re starting a band?”

“Um… yeah.”  He took a deep breath.  “With Adam.”

“With —  _what?”_   

“He moved to New York to… because he missed me.  He’s here taking classes at NYU under an assumed name.  Elliot Gilbert.”  The flood of relief he felt as he said the words was staggering.  “I haven’t told anybody he’s here except Blaine.  You’re the first.”

“Kurt, that’s amazing.  I’m so happy for you.  Do you think Gaga knows?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll ask Adam.  If he told anyone he was moving, I suspect it’d be her.”

“So is that why Blaine is so anxious?  Because of Adam being there?”

“No, no.  He’s fine with Adam.  I think… it’s something else.  He just needs some support and I haven’t been giving it to him.  I’m sorry he’s struggling so much.  Thank you for letting me know.  Try to bear with him, okay?  I know he’s not easy to deal with when he tries to take control.  He doesn’t handle it well.”

“No,” Brad agreed.  “He’s still so young.  And I say that with the greatest respect for you and your family, Kurt.  I care about you, and I want you to make good choices, but I don’t think he’s ready to be married to anybody.”

Kurt rested his head against the support pole of the Metro train.  “No.  I can understand why you’d say that.  I’d just ask you to trust that we’re handling things the best we can.  My dad told me I get to make my own mistakes.  I think Blaine needs to be able to do that, too.”  He coughed.  “With a little supervision.”

“I can give him that, at least.  Do you think… I could suggest piano lessons, for the last couple months of school?  Not that he needs them from me, but…”

“Oh!”  Kurt was jolted upright by the shot of adrenaline.  “That’s a  _great_  idea.  Would you really do that for me?”

“I really would,” Brad said.  “If it would help.”

“Yeah.  It would, a lot.  Thank you.  I know you don’t like him.”

“Kurt, it’s not that.  Blaine’s very sweet, but I’m a proponent of low drama in poly relationships.  Blaine is… kind of a dramatic focal point.  I don’t think he intends to be, but it’s a fact.  It destabilized your triad when you started seeing him at Dalton.”

Kurt smiled.  “It’s more complicated than that, though.  He was part of things long before I went to Dalton.  Noah met him first, almost a year before, at a dance club in Dayton.  He had dreams about him for seven months before they met again.  And then Finn met him at an open mic in Columbus, and they — started a relationship.”  Brad didn’t need the details about how Finn had begun taking care of Blaine.  “But things really started for the four of us after we did  _RENT_  together in Cleveland, with Will and Toby.”

“ _Blaine_  was in that?”  Brad was floored.  “I don’t even remember seeing him on stage.  Why didn’t I hear about any of this before now?”

“We kept it quiet all summer, because we weren’t really sure what the implications were about him being with Noah and Finn.  You know Noah’s not a talker.  And then things just got complicated.”  He moved toward the door.  “I’m at my stop.  Do you want me to talk to Blaine about piano lessons, or would you prefer to bring it up?”

“If you want to plant the idea first, that’d be best. I’d be happy to let him think he’s asking me, instead of the other way around.”

“Really, thank you, Brad.  Please give Andi and Laurie and the kids a kiss from me.”

“I will.  And tell Adam I said hello?  I’m so happy to hear the two of you are back together.”

Kurt felt more pleased than anxious at that idea.  “Yeah.  I guess we are.”

“He really loves you, Kurt.  I know him well enough to tell you that.”

“Please don’t make me cry on the subway platform, Brad.”  

He laughed.  “I’ll talk to you soon.  Oh, and you might ask Adam about one upcoming song on Gaga’s album,  _Sexxx Dreams?_   I think he gave Gaga inspiration for that one himself.”

 

* * *

When he got home Friday night after work, Kurt made himself a cup of strong cocoa and settled down under Puck’s Navajo blanket in the middle of the futon before calling Blaine.  It wasn’t the green couch, but it would have to do.

Blaine picked up on the second ring.  “Hey.”

“Blaine, I need to apologize.  The way I spoke to you on the phone yesterday… that was completely uncalled for.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that.  I missed your performance.  You’re allowed to be mad.”

“But you don’t…”  Kurt trailed off.

“Don’t what?  Yell at your sub?”  He could hear Blaine’s sad smile.  “Kurt, I’m not your sub.  And you know you don’t have to pretend I am.  Not now that you know about… the postcards.”  

Kurt gritted his teeth.  “Goddammit, Blaine, I’m not trying to pretend anything.  I  _love_  you.  I  _want_  to take care of you.  You’re not going to tell me you don’t want that.”

“I do — I really, really do.  And I know I need it.  But I want a best friend more.  I’d rather you hurt my feelings sometimes than not be honest with me.  Just be  _yourself_ , not some idea you have in your head about what it means to be my Top.  I need one.”  He laughed.  “God, I really proved that this week.  But Kurt, you’re the only one who can be my best friend.  And I think… I think we’re going to need each other, to get through however long we have to wait for Finn.”

Kurt leaned heavily on his arm, wiping his eyes over and over with his handkerchief, until he could talk again.

“I miss… all of us,” he said, hating his voice for breaking.  “So much.”

“Me, too, baby.  Every day.  I miss having all of us together.”  Blaine sighed.  “But now you know what we’re working toward, what’s possible.  We could have that again.”

Neither of them said Noah’s name, but Kurt knew Blaine hadn’t given up on him, either.  It made sense, considering what Blaine himself had been through.  He knew firsthand that someone could go into hell and come out the other side, and that the love afterward could be as strong as ever.  They’d even seen Noah do it once; it was a good bet he could do it again.  Even Kurt could believe that.  Noah might be furious at him, but anger was pretty close to love.  

“You missed our debut,” he said, “but it’s not too late to let me book you a ticket to our next performance at the Williamsburg Music Hall.”

“Kurt… I would really love to.  I  _really_  would.  But I’m going to see you for your birthday, and I think we might want to save our money.  We  _are_  getting married, you know.”

“Let me worry about my finances.  I can afford a couple more JetBlue tickets and still justify the wedding package I’m going to want.”  

Blaine sighed.  “Okay.  I’m not going to argue with you.”

“The hell you’re not.”

That made him giggle.  “Not unless I’m asking for it.”

“You can, you know.”  Kurt let his voice drop, and allowed the Voice to come through a little.  “You can ask for it.  You don’t have to act out.  I’ll give you what you need.”

“Oh,” Blaine breathed.  “… Yeah.  I think I’ll be getting some of that here from… my support person.  She’s kind of strict.  I don’t get away with much, and… yeah.”

“That’s really good to hear, honey, but you deserve to get it from me, too.  I also think you need to apologize to Glee club, especially to Brad.”

“I’ve already made a plan to do that.  I, um, made you something.  It’s on its way in the mail.”

“That’s really sweet.  You’re still such a good boy.”

Blaine hesitated.  “Even if I’m not  _your_  boy?”

“Even if you’re not.  I’m sure Finn would be very proud of you, too.”

They often went through the  _I miss him_  and  _I miss him too_  exchange _,_  but neither of them said those words today.  Kurt knew it wasn’t because the missing was any less poignant.  It was that they both believed there was a chance they would see him again, someday.  

“Blaine?” he added.  “Thank you.  I… really do need a best friend.”

“Yeah.  I need one too.  I love you so much.  Your first official date with Adam is tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess he’ll get to find out if he likes that tongue piercing after all, huh?”

“Blaine!” Kurt exclaimed, as Blaine cracked up.  “I can’t believe  _you_ said that!”

“I think it felt pretty fantastic.”

Kurt grinned.  “Yeah, well.  The truth is, he already approves.  But I doubt we’ll be doing any of that on our first date.  Imagine what Rachel would think.”

“She already likes Elliot.  Don’t worry, it’ll be fine, whatever you do.  And have fun.”

Kurt was feeling a lot more relaxed after his cocoa and a rerun of  _Project Runway_  when he got a text from Adam.   _Okay if I come up?_

_Are you outside?_  Kurt replied.

_I’m actually right at your door.  I just wanted you to have the freedom to say no._

Kurt tossed off the blanket and hurried over to the loft door, sliding it open to reveal a smiling Adam.  Kurt threw his arms around him, holding him as tight as he could manage.

“Well,” said Adam, clearly pleased, “that was a warmer welcome than I anticipated.”

“I had a good talk with Blaine.  He said some things that made me feel better.”  He looked up at Adam.  “You’re really wonderful, you know that?”

Adam’s smile grew, his eyes sparkling, as he nudged Kurt backward into the loft.  “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”  He reached up and brought Adam’s face down close enough to kiss it.  “I hope you know how much I appreciate you being here for me.”

“I think you do,” Adam agreed.  “And even if you don’t, I know it’s what you need.  But it’s a lot more pleasant if you enjoy it.”

“I’m definitely planning to enjoy it,” said Kurt, and kissed him again.

When Santana walked through the open loft door, she found them on the futon, Kurt kneeling  on top of Adam.  They both froze, staring at one another for several long, awkward seconds, before Santana held up a hand, turning to go.

“Forgive me, I’m just going to walk out of here and come back in on a scene with you  _not_  cheating on your fiancé.”

“Santana, wait,” said Kurt.  Santana did, though she wasn’t looking at either of them.

“God, Kurt, what is this, a rerun of last Christmas?  I thought you learned your lesson with Sexy Claus.”

Adam nudged Kurt.  “Sexy Claus?”

“It’s a long story, okay,” Kurt said hurriedly.  “Santana, just come in here and sit down.  Blaine and I have talked.  He’s met Elliot, and he’s cool with this.”

She raised an offended eyebrow.  “Blaine  _wants_  you to cheat on him? I don’t think so.”

He sighed.  “How many times do we have to go over this?  No lying, no hiding.  That’s our rule.  Elliot asked me out.  And I said yes.  Blaine said —“

“ _Blaine_  doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.”  Through Santana’s accusing glare, Kurt could see the wobble of her jaw.  “You are not going to fuck up your last remaining relationship for a pretty face, Kurt.”

Adam watched her storm off into her bedroom with a bemused expression.  “A pretty face?  I’m not sure if I should be offended or endeared.”

“It’s usually both with Santana.”  Kurt turned to him and kissed him again, trying to look encouraging.  “Let me go talk to her.  You can sit on my bed.”

“Oh, thank you, sir,” Adam said humbly.  “I’ll try not to fall asleep jacking off while I wait.”

Kurt reached around and smacked the side of Adam’s ass, hard enough to make him exclaim.  “Brat.”

“It took you this long to figure it out?”  Adam trailed fingers through Kurt’s hair, smiling.  “Do you want me to call Blaine?”

“No, I’ve got it.  Santana’s going to need to hear him saying the words  _it’s okay with me._   I don’t think she’s really all that angry at me anyway.  This is about her own fears about what’s going to happen if I don’t take care of her childhood best friend.  She knows Blaine better than anyone, and she’s damn protective.”

“I’m not blaming her for that.”  Adam gave Kurt a little push in the direction of Santana’s room.  “Go. I’ll be a good boy.”

Santana was sitting on the edge of her bed, gripping the hem of her own skirt like she might want to rip it off.  She glared at Kurt.  

“I know what you’re going to do,” she said tightly.  “You’re here to convince me that there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing, as long as Blaine agrees to go along with it.”

“No, Santana.”  He sat down next to her.  “I’m not.  I’ll let Blaine do that.”

“Yeah, and I’m going to trust what he says?  In the last two years, you’ve  _all_  left him at least once.  You’re the only one left.  He would do anything you asked him to do in order to keep you.”  

He slid a hand over to hers, waiting for her to be ready to take it.  “I love Blaine.  I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our friendship.”

“Your  _friendship?_   Kurt, he’s your  _fiancé._ You owe him more than mother-may-I.  You can’t go around banging every guy who shows up just because you’re lonely for Finn.”  She stopped, looking stricken.  “God… I mean  _Blaine._   I meant to say Blaine.”

“No, no, Santana, it’s okay.  I do miss Finn, all the time.  So does Blaine.  We’re dealing as best as we can.  But this thing, with Elliot… it’s less complicated than it looks.  I really like him.”

She grimaced.  “That was obvious.”

“That’s not what I meant.  Yes, fine; he’s hot.  But Elliot and Blaine have had a chance to talk, to get to know one another, and I think… it’s going to be fine.  Really, he’s not taking advantage of me, and I’m not taking advantage of Blaine.  We’re all doing this with our eyes wide open.”  He held up his phone.  “Would you just talk to him?  He can tell you everything.”

She closed her eyes.  “Fine.  Whatever.”

The first thing Kurt said to Blaine when he answered the phone was, “Santana saw me and Elliot together.  Would you please tell her whatever you need to tell her to make her okay with this?”

“Um… okay?  Whatever I need to tell her?”

“She’s convinced I’m taking advantage of you.”  

Blaine laughed.  “I think I can settle that.  Let me at her.  Have fun with Elliot.”

Kurt handed the phone to Santana, who was still frowning.  “Are you going to freak out about us being in the other room together?”

“Probably,” she snapped, putting the phone to her ear.  “Blainers, what the fuck is going through your pretty-boy noggin, letting your fiancé run around on you with a guy who calls himself  _Starchild?”_

Kurt left Blaine to take care of Santana.  He’d known her longest, after all.  Adam was waiting on his bed, still wearing all his clothes.  

“We’re okay,” Kurt said, closing the curtain behind him.  “Blaine’s got this.  And I think as long as you’re not spanking me, I think we’ve got carte blanche to do what we want to do.”  

“You sure?  Because I can go, give her a little time to get used to the idea —“

“Fuck that,” Kurt declared, climbing on top of him again.  “I really have nothing more to say to you until you’re naked.”

They kept the noise down, but it felt so good to have Adam in his very own bed again, after such a long time, Kurt didn’t really care what Santana heard.  

“God,” he gasped, extending his toes in a delicious stretch, “why does this feel so much better when we’re not sneaking around?”

“Cheating isn’t one of your kinks, honey.  I think if it were, you’d have been having a lot more sex.”  He stroked Kurt’s hips tenderly, rocking into him.  “I think you’ll be having as much of it as you want, now.”

“I think you might not be leaving this bed very often.  Yes — like that, oh…”

Adam repeated the motion, smiling as Kurt responded each time.  “Are you saying I might have a chance at sleeping here with you tonight?”

The idea made him groan.  He clutched Adam closer, thrusting back insistently.  “Fuck, yes. Just don’t stop.”

Adam didn’t, not even after Kurt came, driving him right along the edge between pleasure and too-intense discomfort until Kurt had to beg him to stop.  Then he curled Kurt into his arms, rolling them onto their sides, keeping them connected, but waiting while Kurt relaxed.

“If I get to stay here, honey,” he murmured, stroking Kurt’s chest as he cradled him from behind, “I can take as much time as I want to.”

Adam wasn’t joking, moving lazily but inexorably toward his own conclusion.  Kurt was well on his way into round two, half-hard again and starting to feel lightheaded when he heard a loud, pointed throat-clearing noise outside his curtain.  They both paused, looking at one another.

“Santana, this had better be important,” Kurt called.

“Oh, trust me, it is,” she replied.  “I think you’d better come out here now.  And you too…  _Adam.”_


	7. Blaineterlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long hiatus full of other Donutverse writing, my muse demanded a Blaine-perspective chapter. Here you get to meet his handler, who — as you may have guessed — is someone you already know. More to come soon.
> 
> Spoilers for 5x09 Frenemies, and warnings for angsty!Blaine and D/s. Enjoy! 
> 
> -amy

“Blainers, what the fuck is going through your pretty-boy noggin, letting your fiancé run around on you with a guy who calls himself _Starchild?”_

Blaine sank down onto his bed, laughing weakly.“That’s a complicated question, ‘Tana.”

“No, I know, and you’re not going to be able to sell me on half of it.”

“So why are you asking me to try?You want me to tell you I trust Kurt?I do.You want me to tell you I’m not jealous?I’m not.”  

 _Not really,_ added the quiet voice.It was the one inside him, the one that only spoke up when he was feeling vulnerable and lonely and lost. _Not all the time._

“Yeah, I’m hearing you say all that, and I still think it’s bullshit.No matter how annoying he is, Kurt Hummel is a catch by any gay boy’s standards.Elliot’s not just here to wail high notes in his band and look glamorous; he’s trying to _steal Kurt away from you.”_  

“And I’m telling you you’re wrong, ‘Tana,” Blaine replied patiently.“I trust Elliot, too. He’s spent the last four weeks reassuring me of exactly that.And he can give Kurt things I _can’t,_ which makes me feel better, not worse.Can you understand that?”

“Is this something related to penis size?” she countered.“Because last time I checked, you had the same anatomy Elliot does.”

“No, ‘Tana, I’m… perfectly adequate. This has to do with Kurt needing someone he can trust.He’s been alone since Finn — since before that, really.He _needs_ someone he can lean on.I’m not there, and even if I were, well.You know me better than anyone.”

“Yeah,” she said, sounding slightly less belligerent.  

“Yeah.And you _know_ I’m not the guy you lean on.I like taking care of people, but I don’t like being _in charge.”_  

“And Elliot does?What the hell, Blaine?How does he just show up in his admittedly gorgeous ensemble and —“She huffed.“Kurt doesn’t even _like_ him.They’re always arguing.”

“He likes him.He didn’t want to let himself like him.”He shivered, not from the cold.“It’s hard to let yourself trust somebody that much, especially when you’ve been told all your life you should only depend on yourself.”

“Blaine.”Santana sounded deadly serious, and more than a little scared.“Kurt doesn’t trust people he met a month ago.”

“No,” Blaine admitted.“That’s because… he didn’t meet him a month ago.”

“Keep going.”

 _Kurt did say to tell her ‘whatever I need to tell her.’_ “You’re not going to tell anybody.”

“ _Blaine…”_

“No, ‘Tana, I _can’t_ let you budge on this one, because it’s not about me or Kurt, it’s about Elliot, and his career.He’s —“Blaine held his breath, then let it out.“Do you remember… _Max?”_  

“Max,” she repeated, a little desperately.“You mean the guy Puck and Kurt was seeing in California?But that was _four years_ ago.”

“Yeah.Puck went to live with him for the summer after senior year, in LA.He was the one they wouldn’t talk about to anyone, because he was… well, world famous.A rockstar.”

He could hear Santana’s slow, labored breathing over the phone.“You’re seriously telling me Elliot is actually ‘Max, the world famous rockstar.’ ”

“Not exactly,” he hedged.  

“Blaine, I am going to fly out to Lima right now and I am going to punch you in the nose.”

He squirmed.“You’re really going to have to promise you won’t tell.”

“Who am I going to tell?” she yelled, making him cringe.“God, I can _hear_ Kurt making sex noises.I seriously can’t believe him.”

“Oh, please, don’t interrupt them,” Blaine begged, “they’ve been waiting for this for ages.”

“And if he’s such a great guy, where’s Elliot been for the last year?You say Kurt trusts him?Where was he when Finn —“

“He asked Kurt to marry him.”He waited through her shocked silence.“And Kurt said no.That was just before Kurt’s graduation.I guess he was letting Kurt have some space after that, but I really think he was avoiding him, that he was scared of what was happening with Sauli.”

“With…”

He closed his eyes.“Oh, shit.”

Santana laughed. _“Sauli._ Blaine, you’re completely hilarious.”  

Blaine swallowed, hiding his face in his hand.“Please don’t tell Kurt I told you.”

“No, no, this is rich. Because now you’re asking me to believe that Kurt — oh, and _Puck_ — have been in a secret relationship with the world-famous rockstar formerly known as Elliot, aka Max, since they were _sixteen._ And that the resemblance between Elliot and —“

“Please don’t say it,” he whispered.

“— and _Adam Lambert_ is not actually a resemblance at all.”She laughed again.“What kind of a gullible idiot do you take me for?”

“You don’t have to believe it, ‘Tana.Just let it go.”

“Oh, no, I really have to see what happens now.This is _precious._ Thanks, Blainers.You’ll have to ask Kurt all about it later.”The phone went quiet.

He slumped back against the bed, staring at the ceiling of his room.“I am so dead,” he moaned.  

Blaine knew what he should do next.He knew, and he didn’t _want_ to.Instead, he got up and brought his laundry hamper down the hall to the washer/dryer closet.It was just an extravagance now to have laundry facilities on the first and second floors of the Hudson-Hummel house, considering there were only four of them living there most of the time, but he appreciated it anyway.  

Then he sat down at his desk to try to finish his French homework.It wasn’t that he was bad at French, considering the class he took at Dalton during his first junior year was more complex than the class he was currently taking at McKinley during his senior year.It was just that he was having a hard time concentrating.All he could think about was Kurt’s face when he heard Santana say the words _Adam Lambert._ He winced, but he still didn’t pick up his phone.

 _I can’t,_ he thought.  

 _You’re such a wimp,_ the voice in his head thought back.It wasn’t any kind of a command voice.If anything, it sounded like Yerrick from the Sadie Hawkins dance freshman year.It made him mad, that voice.

_I’m not a wimp.I just don’t think it’s going to help._

_You’re a wimp and a loser and you don’t deserve help from anybody anyway._

If Kurt had been there, Blaine would have cried and apologized, and Kurt would have taken care of it.If Finn had been there, Blaine would have begged him for a spanking.But it wasn’t like that with the Coach.She was fair, and tough, and even kind on occasion, but she didn’t feel like _home._ It was work, talking to her when he messed up.

 _And if Puck had been here…_ Blaine swallowed. _I would already be on that bed, on my back, with my knees up around my ears._ Puck was in the midst of basic training, and he’d made it clear that none of them should count on him being around, but that didn’t keep Blaine from missing him.He missed them all — the way they had been, the four of them — more than anything.

 _You don’t get to have that,_ the voice taunted. _Not a loser like you._

He set his French book down with an exasperated _thump_.“I’m sick of this!”

“Honey?”

Blaine turned around to see Carole standing in the doorway.She was obviously concerned, but he could tell she was trying not to look it.  

He gave her a smile.It wasn’t the strong, together smile he’d worn for most of his time at Dalton.Carole and Burt had made it clear that, in their house, he could be as vulnerable and honest as he needed to be.They hadn’t judged him yet, anyway.  

“Hi, Carole.I was just feeling frustrated.”

She moved into the room, leaning on the doorframe.“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t think so,” he said apologetically.“It’s about… Adam.”

Carole frowned.“That young man in New York.Is Kurt still having trouble with him?I know they were dating for a while, but somehow I’d thought they had broken up?”

If Santana already knew, there was no point in not telling Kurt’s family.“No, no.Not Adam Crawford, Carole, I mean _Adam._ He’s in New York, going to school.Well, really, he’s there to take care of Kurt.”

Carole’s eyes got very large, and she came closer, crouching down so that her face was even with Blaine’s.“Honey, are you sure?”

“He and Kurt are, um.They’re dating.”Blaine laughed, shaking his head.“I hope.Adam’s over at the loft right now, talking to Santana.”

“Oh, wow.Well.”She blew out a breath.“That’s a new complication.”

“It’s not, really,” Blaine insisted.“Adam’s not competing with me for Kurt.It’s not like that.I just want him to be happy, and to get what he needs.”  

Carole pulled him into a brief hug.“I know, sweetie.That’s what I want for him, too.”She searched his face.“And you’re sure this isn’t going to be a problem for you?”

“We’ve talked it over several times, me and Adam, and me and Kurt, and it’s _not._ ”He waited until she nodded.“I think it’s good for all of us.”  

 _For now,_ the voice said. _But what about when Finn comes home?What do you think Adam will do then?_

“Shut up,” he muttered under his breath.Carole sighed.  

“Does Sarah know?Because she wasn’t exactly happy with him, when he and Kurt parted ways.”

“As far as I know, she doesn’t.And I think that wasn’t really about Adam; she was just defending Kurt.After all, Adam and Puck have already resolved their issues, kind of.Maybe he could call her.”

They both sat in silence for a moment, dealing with their respective worries.Then Carole grasped his hands.“Blaine… you’re always thinking about other people’s needs instead of your own.I worry about you, all alone.”

“I’m doing okay,” he said, trying to be truthful.“I have friends.Sam and Tina, and everybody —“

She smiled gently. “I know you have _everybody._ But I also know that doesn’t count for much when you’re missing _somebody._ ”

He glanced down at his lap.It was impossible for him to speak with Carole about Finn without crying, but the hardest part was that it wasn’t for the reason she thought.For about the millionth time, he wished he could think of a way to tell Carole about Finn without putting her at risk.But it had been the first thing Finn had made him promise, the last time he’d seen Blaine, at the Motel 6 in Fort Wayne: _you can’t tell my mother or Burt that I’m alive._ And Blaine had promised.Telling Kurt might have been a bad idea, but at least Kurt was far away, had no clearly defined relationship to Finn — and had a certain amount of restraint.  

“Do you know what Puck is going to do after he finishes basic training?” Blaine asked.

That made her sigh.“I don’t think he knows, himself.After he and Kurt had that falling out…”She paused, then looked at Blaine, startled.“Oh — if Kurt and Adam are back together, does that mean —?“

“I don’t think we can assume anything,” he said, trying to stay calm.“But Kurt still loves me, and I still love him, and we are planning to stay together, no matter what.”

He didn’t say _Kurt still wants to marry me, even though I’m barely his third choice._ Carole didn’t need to hear those details, not when things were just starting again for Kurt and Adam.They would figure it out.He had to trust that was true, just as he had to trust that Finn really would find a way to come back to him.No matter what.

Carole’s eyes were sad, but she smiled.“Okay, honey.Do you think you’ll be around for dinner tomorrow?Sarah’s planning to make that Moroccan lentil stew that was such a hit with her art club.”

“I’m not sure,” Blaine said.“I — have to check my schedule.”

When Carole went back downstairs, Blaine closed the door behind himself.He picked up the phone and took a deep breath, then dialed the Coach’s number.She picked up on the second ring.

“Hey, punkin,” she said.“What’s going on?”

“I made a mistake,” he told her immediately.

“You need a shoulder or a spanking?”

He could feel himself beginning to let go, already, with just that suggestion.“Both, I think.I have a piano lesson with Brad after school tomorrow.After that?”

“You bet,” she agreed.“And you try to get some sleep in the meantime.Don’t make it worse by listening to that music.”

“Yes, ma’am.”  

It was a promise he could only keep sometimes.The Indigo Girls stirred up so many feelings — about Finn, about Puck, about an easier time for all of them — that Blaine had to treat their music like a drug, and prepare himself each time for the resultant side effects of using it.Sometimes playing or listening to the music was easier than trying to avoid it, but on most days, it was better not to engage.  

Before he got ready for bed, he sent a text to Kurt. _I’m not trying to interrupt,_ he said, _but I’m hoping everything is okay.When you have a minute, just let me know?_

He took his time in the bathroom, but there still wasn’t a response before he climbed under the covers and closed his eyes.  

He slept as well as he ever did, dreaming predictably about Bethie and Puck and Finn.In the morning, he awoke just before dawn.When he reached across his too-large bed for his phone, and saw the words _We’re fine_ from Kurt,he breathed a big sigh of relief.

 _Please tell Adam I’m really sorry for spilling the beans,_ Blaine wrote back.

Kurt responded right away. _You don’t have to be sorry.It’s contained.Santana’s not going to spread rumors, but we’re going to have to maneuver around Rachel._

Blaine switched back and forth between typing his text and struggling into his clothes. _But you’re still dating Elliot, right?You don’t need to pretend about that._

_No, but Santana pointed out that it was awfully suspicious that both you and I leapt into this situation with Elliot pretty quickly, considering neither of us have dated anybody else in quite some time.So we’re rethinking our strategy here.We’ll have to demonstrate that we’re getting to know one another a little at a time._

Blaine looked at the words unhappily. _You were so glad not to have to hide._

_Just for a little while longer.It’ll be worth it._

He wasn’t sure why it was making him so anxious.This had nothing to do with him directly.Adam wasn’t _his_ lover.Yes, he made Kurt happy and more calm.And if Adam and Kurt were together, chances were much better that they might see Puck again — assuming Kurt wanted that.

 _Whatever you think is best,_ he said finally.

_Thank you, honey._

Blaine wished he had time to call Kurt, to hear the quality of his happiness over the phone, rather than relying on text to communicate.He just wanted Kurt to be _okay_ about this.Sometimes when Kurt was anxious and snappish about things, Blaine felt like it was his responsibility to be the calm, rational one, even if he wasn’t actually very good at that himself.  

 _It’s just you being selfish,_ the voice told him, jeering. _You have a Top, and Kurt isn’t it._

It was worse at school, where Tina and Artie were vying for the spot of valedictorian in another one of Coach Sue’s ridiculous schemes.He still loved Tina, of course, but he had to admit that between her and Santana, he couldn’t have said who was the more self-centered and demanding.  

Kurt called him between classes.“Rachel’s here,” he whispered.“Play along, okay?”In an exaggerated voice, he went into a diatribe about how “Starchild” was trying to take over the band.

Blaine sighed.“I don’t know, Kurt.Don’t you think you might be overreacting?Rachel doesn’t need to hear this stuff.You could just back off around her, and you and Adam can —“

“It all started when Elliot scored an interview in the _Village Voice,”_ Kurt went on, still using an extra-loud voice.“He’s talking about it like it was _his_ band, Blaine.And not five minutes ago do I get a text from him that said, _oh my god, I just wrote a new song that we HAVE_ — in all caps — _GOT TO DO._ I mean, he’s a psychopath.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said desperately, “I gotta go.But, look, if you’re really concerned about Rachel, don’t let on, even for a second.Remember the old adage: keep your friends close and your enemies closer?I love you.”

He realized by the time he made it to the Coach’s office that he was close to panic.He ducked inside, closing the door behind him and leaning against it, hiding in the relative privacy of the miniblinds.  

Coach Beiste looked up from her desk, gave him an appraising glance, and sighed.

“You have class, don’t you, Anderson?”

“I just — need a second,” he whimpered, trying to breathe. “Tina’s fighting with Artie, and everybody’s freaking out about college and — and Kurt and Adam are trying to get back together and now they might not be able to and it’s _my fault_ and —“

“Hold up, there, little buddy.”Her voice wasn’t particularly soothing, but he knew she wasn’t about to let him lose himself in the guilt.“One thing at a time.You can’t do much about your friends fretting ‘bout college acceptances.That goes with the territory of being a senior.They’ll get through it, and so will you.Now what’s this about Kurt and Adam?”

She listened while he provided a summary.By now, there was nothing about his life that the Coach hadn’t _encouraged_ him to talk about.She knew it all, from the earliest troubles with his parents to the nightmare of his first junior year at Dalton.  

When he was done, she considered him coolly.“This is the mistake, eh?”

“Yeah.”He hung his head.“I really didn’t mean to tell Santana.”

“It’d just be easier if Kurt’s roommates both knew, huh?”

He felt his pulse spike.“What — oh, no, no, I didn’t _mean_ to do this —“

“I ain’t sayin’ you did, punkin.But it’d be easier, wouldn’t it?And now it’ll be more lies, more hiding.That’s just what Finn didn’t want you to have to do.”She nodded at him.“But that’s what you got.You’re keeping his secret from everybody.From Finn’s own ma.”

He buried his face in his hands.“I hate it,” he moaned.“But —“

“But this is what you got,” she repeated patiently.“And Kurt’s not gonna let you deal with it alone.I’m not, either.”

He couldn’t fall apart at school, but she gave him a few more moments to deal with his own feelings before opening the door and guiding him back into the hallway.  

“Get a drink of cold water, then back to class,” she told him.“Go on.Have a good piano lesson.”

Blaine was pleased when Mr. Schue informed him he would have a solo at Nationals, but watching Tina fight with Artie in song made him positively twitchy.He drove to Brad’s house in silence, not even attempting to call Kurt on the way.

The note affixed to the doorbell on Brad’s house, however, made him smile.The first part said, in Brad’s clear black print, _Mother on bedrest - please do not ring doorbell._ Then directly after, in Laurie’s flowing script: _On the contrary, please do not hesitate to bother me, I am going stark raving bonkers._

He hesitated before bypassing the doorbell and slipping into the house.Laurie had told him many times he didn’t need to knock, but it still felt inappropriate to just walk into someone else’s house.He could hear the television playing SpongeBob, along with Duncan and Cory arguing over the remote control.

“Hi, guys,” Blaine called, setting his bag down.Two heads, one dark and curly, one white-blonde, popped up over the edge of the couch.

“It’s Blaine!” shouted Duncan.

There was a mad scrambling, and Blaine braced himself as the two seven-year-olds almost knocked him over with their enthusiastic hugs.“Hi, guys!”

“Blaine,” cried Cory, her arms around his waist. “Where’s Puck?Is Beth here too?”

“Um,” he said, then stopped.Brad was standing in the hallway, watching him with obvious regret. 

 _Sorry,_ he mouthed.

 _It’s okay,_ Blaine waved back, and swallowed the hurt.“She’s still in New York with her mother.Maybe this summer she can come to visit?”

“Daddy, can we go to New York?” Duncan demanded.

“Hey, aren’t you already coming with us to Los Angeles in a couple weeks?”Brad’s voice was mild, but Blaine could see the new lines around his eyes, how tired he looked.“Laurie’s girlfriend is coming over to help out for a week while Andi and I take the kids to Nationals.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate the quiet,” said Blaine.Brad snorted.

“She’s going stircrazy from too much sitting around.But the doctor was clear that this baby’s not going to stick if Laurie spends any amount of time on her feet.Gravity is not our friend.”

“We sit on Mommy,” Cory said, in her solemn voice.“She doesn’t have a choice except to stay in bed.”

Blaine nodded equally solemnly.“Restraint therapy.I imagine there’s some evidence to support that practice.”

Brad beckoned to Blaine, backing down the hallway.“Okay, guys, you can interrupt if there’s an emergency, but —“

“Don’t bother Mommy,” they chorused, and Duncan shook his head, adding, “We _know.”_

“They really do know,” Brad told him as they went back into his studio.“They’re good kids, and they want to have a baby brother almost as much as we do.But it’s really hard to be seven and to be quiet all the time.So Duncan’s got soccer practice after school as often as possible, and Cory’s gone up to two days a week with the ballet, and…”He shrugged, closing the door behind him.“We’re managing.Now let’s make some music, all right?”

Blaine carefully avoided any of the pieces Patrick had performed at Irene’s coffeehouse, as well as all of the songs for which he’d played piano in Carl and Finn’s band.That left more jazz and classical than rock and folk, but Brad didn’t seem to mind.

“I don’t really have a whole lot to teach you,” Brad said apologetically.  

“No, it’s okay.I’m having fun.”He leafed through a stack of music, picking up and quickly putting down a Neil Diamond fakebook.“And it’s wonderful to see the kids.”

“Yeah, they still talk about Puck all the time.” He eyed Blaine.“You don’t have to have Beth with you to come over, you know.Or Kurt, or anybody.You’d be welcome all on your own.”

He smiled at Brad.“That’s really kind of you.I guess I figured it was silly to come to you guys as mentors in this kind of relationship when we’re hardly even polyamorous anymore.”

“Blaine, we don’t have to be mentors.We could just be your friends.”

That was another thing that, half the time, Blaine was pretty sure he didn’t deserve.Being popular at school, or having friends more messed up than he was, was one thing.Having friends who loved him for himself: that was entirely different.But he’d been trained to be polite.He kept smiling and said, “Thank you.”

On his way from Brad’s over to the Coach’s house, Blaine called Kurt, expecting to reach his voice mail, but Kurt picked up.Blaine could hear the sound of a guitar being strummed hesitantly in the background.

“Hey, I’m just finishing my piano lesson.What’s going on with you guys?”Using that phrase could have made him feel excluded, but instead he just felt warm and pleased that Kurt was a “ _you guys”_ once again.  

“Ready to laugh?” asked Kurt.There was a sloppy, triumphant D chord.“I’m playing my guitar.It’s beautiful.”

“Your guitar?”Blaine did laugh.“What’s going on?How many times have I tried to get you to play and you said no, no, never?”

“Well, that’s the thing.Adam doesn’t know how to play either, at least not any better than I do.So we challenged each other to learn.It came out of this fake conversation we had on Rachel’s behalf this afternoon.She needed to hear us learning to get along, and also some of ‘Elliot’s’ backstory.So I praised his guitar-playing abilities, and Adam suggested I get my own guitar.We went to Dick Richard’s Guitar Emporium off Greene, and ended up jamming with the entire staff, including — well, that’s a story for another time.”

Blaine smiled harder. “Thank you for telling me about it.”

“Yeah, well, whatever good things are happening between me and Adam, Rachel and Santana have apparently decided they are now mortal enemies.Rachel even decided to move out.I think it’s going to be a while before they rebuild these bridges.”

“Rachel moved out?Does that means Adam gets to stay over?”  

“I think so.”He flubbed a D7 chord, then fixed it.“If we can be subtle about it.At least we’re not in the spotlight anymore.Rachel can have all the drama she wants and ignore us, and that’s what I want.”

“So, come on,” Blaine cajoled.“That can’t be all the details about Adam.You got to spend all day with him.How was it?”

Kurt sighed, but it sounded more happy than wistful.“He’s… kind of magic.I’d forgotten how _easy_ it is with him.I’m doing a lot more smiling, and he’s so calm and rational and _sane…_ I think he’s convincing me that New York was the right place for me after all.”

“That all sounds wonderful,” Blaine agreed.

“And… we took a picture together and posted it to Instagram.”

He leaned a little hard on the brake, making his car jerk forward.“Oh!You — really?”

“Yeah.I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it before we did it, but if we’re going to be Elliot and Kurt, it’s going to have to start somewhere.”

“Wow, that’s really exciting.”Blaine eased forward again, turning the corner and parking along the street, two blocks down from the Coach’s house.“I should get going.There’s this appointment I can’t miss.”

“All right.I love you, honey.Call me tonight?”

“Definitely,” he promised.“I love you too.And tell Adam I said hi, and… I’m so happy for you both.”

He shouldered his bag, walking the long way around the back of the house to the deck.He didn’t want to complicate his student-teacher relationship with the Coach at school by being seen going in and out of her front door.This arrangement was specifically because Finn had asked for it — and the Coach had her own secrets to maintain that had nothing to do with discipline.  

She was sitting on the chair in the family room, waiting calmly for him.The moment he walked through the door, Blaine burst into tears.

“Yeah,” she said quietly.“That’s a good start, punkin.Let’s hear it.”

He sat at her feet, doing his best to talk through his sobs about Adam and Kurt.“I don’t understand why I’m so _upset_ when I’m _happy_ for them.”

“Because you’re still not getting what you need,” she said, resting one hand on his head.“You can be happy for them, and still be hurtin’ about what you ain’t got yourself.”

“I’m not going to get it.”He wiped his eyes with his handkerchief.“So I don’t know why I’m bothering to keep _wanting_ it?”

“Oh, kiddo.You don’t get to choose what you want.”Now she was smiling.It was embarrassing how happy it made him when she smiled at him.“You just go after it the best you can, and whatever’s still lacking, you deal with the fallout.That’s what I’m here for.”

Blaine knew he didn’t have to explain to the Coach that what she gave him wasn’t really what he wanted.It didn’t stop him from feeling guilty about it, but at least he didn’t have to say it.He sighed and rested his head on her knee.

“I miss Finn,” he said, as he did every time.

“He misses you,” she replied, as she did every time.

That was all.There was no _he’ll be back,_ or _it’ll be okay._ He didn’t have to pretend to mourn Finn, either.Here, there was no hiding from what he felt. The Coach took it all, all of his neediness and selfishness and loneliness.She never judged him — and she never let him hold any of it back.

“I had a dream about Beth last night.It’s her birthday today.She’s turning four, and I haven’t seen her hardly at all this year.And just now, at Brad’s, Cory and Duncan asked about her, and it got to me.”He huddled closer against her knee.“You know, I really thought I was over Puck, but… apparently I’m not.”

“No, maybe not.”

“When Kurt told me about Adam being there in New York, it was the first thing I thought. _Maybe Puck will come back now._ And I’m sure it’s a terrible idea, but I can’t stop wondering if he would.Hoping he might.”He looked up at the Coach.“We might get to see Bethie, if he does.”

“That’s a mighty long chain of maybes, kiddo.”  

That was as close as she would get to reprimanding him when he was here, on the brown shag rug beside her chair.He didn’t feel her judgment in a hurtful way, but he knew she wanted him to try again.

“There’s nothing Kurt can do until Puck is done with basic training.”

“And when will that be?”

“Twelve days,” he said promptly.“Adam visited him before he started.But then there’s technical school, and — and I don’t know if he even _wants_ to try again.”

The Coach faced him.“You think you’re ready for some advice?”

“Yes, please?”

“You call him.Don’t wait for Kurt, don’t even wait for the end of basic training.You call him, now, tonight, and tell him what you want.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Blaine stammered.“I mean… I don’t even know what I want.”

“Yes, you do.”She patted his hand.“You tell me, right now.”

It was impossible to resist her command.He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and in a single rush, he said, “I want all of us, together again.”

“Yeah.You can tell him that.But, punkin.”The Coach gave him a firm look.“He’s not going to know about Finn.And you are not going to tell him.”

“No, I… I know.I can’t.I won’t.But even just knowing he could have Kurt and Adam, I think that might be enough for him to want to come back.And someday…”He looked at her hopefully.She chuckled.

“You hang on to that optimism.Now, let’s get you home.”

It was private in the Coach’s den, with nothing but trees and woods stretching for at least six acres behind her deck, but it still felt a little exposed to drop his trousers in front of the wide-open curtains.But she was efficient, and he seldom left her house without breaking down at least once across her knee.This visit was no different.She picked up his handkerchief and handed it back to him while she waited for him to collect himself.  

“Thank you,” he said, and he meant it.She nodded, helping him to his feet.  

“You think about what I said.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Blaine did think about it, but actually picking up his phone and calling Puck, after not speaking with him for so long, felt nearly impossible.He ended up calling Kurt instead, after he’d finished his homework.  

“Do you think I could talk to Adam?” he asked.

“Oh — of course.”Kurt sounded surprised, but more than willing to turn the phone over to Adam.  

There was a brief silence, and then Adam’s voice said, “Hey, Blaine.”

“I’m looking at the picture of you guys on Instagram,” he said.“It’s really cute.”

“Thanks.”He paused, and then, with curiosity, “Was there something you wanted?”

The words _all of us, together again_ hovered on his lips, and he shut them away with a stifled sigh.“Um, yes.I wanted to know… how Puck was doing, when you saw him in San Antonio?”

“How he was doing?To tell you the truth, Blaine, he was pissed off at the world, and determined to prove he didn’t need anybody or anything.”

“I hope you were able to… give him evidence to the contrary?”

Adam laughed.“Yeah.I gave him some of that.He was a lot more grateful and satisfied when I left.I can’t assume all that won’t be undone by eight and a half weeks of basic training, but I’m willing to begin again, wherever he is.”

Blaine bit his lip, gathered his courage, and asked, “Do you think he might… when you’re done with him, I mean, do you think he would consider —“

He stopped.Adam cleared his throat.  

“You want him to come home?”

“Yeah,” Blaine whispered.

“I think he’d need to know you still want that.”Adam’s voice was so gentle.“I can tell you for sure that he thinks you’re done with him.”

“I… thought maybe I was.I mean, I _meant_ to be, but…”He laughed shakily.“I’m really not.”

“That’s good news.I can’t speak for Noah, but I suspect it would matter a lot to him to hear you say that.”

“That’s what… um, I was thinking about calling him.If that would be okay with you.”

“With… me?”

“I don’t have to ask _Kurt’s_ permission,” he explained.

This time the silence was longer.Blaine was beginning to wonder if he’d said something wrong, when Adam said, his voice husky, “You have it, honey.” 

“Thank you.I think… I might do that tomorrow.”

“If you need help, I’m here, okay?”

That almost made Blaine cry again, but he sniffed and said, “Yes, thank you.Good night, Adam.I’m so glad you’re there with Kurt.Can I please say good night?”

Kurt sounded subdued when Adam put him back on the phone.“What were you asking him?”

“I think I’m going to call Puck tomorrow.”Each time he said it, it felt a little more possible.“Adam thinks if I told him I wanted him to come home, he might.”

“Oh.Yes.I think that might help?If you really want to try it again.”

“I don’t know that it’s a good idea, but I know how much I miss him.I want him to know that, at least.Just like you miss him.”

“I do miss him.”He sighed.“God, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug and kiss right now.”

It was almost as good as being told _good boy._ Blaine beamed into the phone.“Thank you, Kurt.I love you so, so much.Good night.”

His dreams were even more vibrant than they had been the night before, with images of an older curly-haired Bethie, and Puck holding her up in the air while she laughed.At least this time, when he woke up remembering them, he was smiling.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the same chapter as the last one, but from Kurt’s point of view. A minor character returns. The reference to the page in Griffin and Sabine is actually real; [you can see a picture of it on my Tumblr](http://nubianamy.tumblr.com/post/84735486994/from-the-golden-mean-by-nick-bantock-those-of-you).
> 
> Heavy quoting from 5x09 Frenemies with some modifications. Adam and Kurt in that guitar shop, holy cow, if you haven’t watched that scene, [go watch it](http://youtu.be/gka__DBWZhw). Sorry for the repeat dialogue from the last chapter, but I decided it was important enough to use it again. 
> 
> Warning for m/m sex. Enjoy! 
> 
> -amy

They both got completely dressed before pulling the curtain aside to face Santana. There was no sense in having an uncomfortable conversation half-naked.  She was glaring equally at both of them.

“You’re coming out here,” she said, pointing at the couch.“Because if you think I’m coming into that fetid den of boysex, you’re mistaken.Now… Kurt, you sit over there.”She turned toward Adam, her eyes glittering.“And _you._ Are we finally on a first name basis, then?”

“Blaine seems to think we are,” Adam replied ruefully, but he settled himself into the empty space on the couch.Santana sat across from them.

“Well, it’s only that you seem to have _a lot_ of names.”She arched an eyebrow at him and smiled sweetly.“Starchild. Elliot. _Max.”_

“Yeah, what was ‘Max’ all about, anyway?” Kurt said to Adam in a conversational tone.

“You’re going to have ask Noah that one.He picked that name.Could have been out of a hat for all I know.”

Santana blanched a little at the name _Noah_ coming from Adam’s mouth, but she regrouped and tried again.“And now there’s this fourth name that Blaine seems to think belongs to you.Seriously, are there any others I should know about?”

“Blaine had names to hide behind, too,” Kurt pointed out.“So did Finn and I.And Noah has ‘Puck.’ I don’t think it’s all that different.”

“Are you _shitting_ me?”She laughed.“There is an entire _universe_ of difference between “I’ve got a cute nickname,” and “our boyfriend is an international musical sensation who sings KISS better than Paul Stanley —“

“Why, thank you,” Adam said, grinning at her.  

She stopped in the middle of her sentence and gaped at him for a few seconds while he waggled his eyebrows at her.  

“Santana,” Kurt murmured.She closed her mouth.

“Okay, I think I’m just going to have moments like that for a little while,” she said, holding up her hands.  

“Trust me, I understand,” Kurt agreed fervently.“That whole first couple months were, like, me trying not to fanboy squeal every thirty minutes.”

“ _Oh my god,”_ Adam said dryly, “ _that guy I just let blow me, that was Adam Lambert?”_

Santana began laughing.She laughed so hard that Kurt thought she might fall off the chair.He groaned, hiding in his hands.“Adam…”

“Oh, no, it was the phone sex first, remember, Kurt?”He was laughing, too.“You swore Noah had put something in your drink, and then it turned out they were all virgin cocktails and you were just being a —“

“Enough!” Kurt hollered, while Adam and Santana spluttered behind their hands with relentless delight.“I have _so_ many incriminating stories I could tell, Adam; don’t _make_ me do it.”

Santana wiped her eyes, still giggling.“This… is the strangest conversation I’ve ever had.You’re going to have to go back to the beginning.”

Adam turned his smile on Kurt.“That would be 2009, when I met Noah in Santa Fe.And god, I was breaking the law so hard; I still can’t believe my publicist let me do that.But, okay — we were in town so my drummer could get together with family before the holidays, and I’d been single and lonely for over a month, and… there was Noah at the coffee shop, looking completely delicious and in so much pain.That was the way it started.We both thought it was a one-night stand, and it turned into… something really incredible.”

Kurt reached out and took his hand, holding it tight, the memories no longer fresh but still poignant.Adam nodded gratefully.Santana’s eyes strayed to their joined hands, then returned to their faces.

“But you didn’t know this guy yet, huh?”

“No, we talked on the phone when Noah returned from Santa Fe,” said Kurt, “and eventually became friends, and then… more than that.It took me a little while to get used to the idea of Noah falling in love with another man, especially somebody like Adam.But Finn pointed out to me that Noah doesn’t love like most people.”

“Neither do you, honey,” Adam said.He tugged Kurt’s hand a little, tilting his head in invitation, and Kurt scooted over on the couch so he was within the circle of Adam’s arms.Santana’s eye-roll was barely noticeable.

“Okay, so that’s Puck.And yeah, I get it.I had Puck myself enough times before he decided guys were more his speed and I decided girls were more mine.He’s not built like most people.”She gave an amused snort.“Kind of funny to think all three of us have had him.”

Kurt could feel Adam tense, although he didn’t show it in his body language or on his face.Kurt took a moment to pull Adam’s arms closer around him.It was a more overt display of PDA than Kurt was usually comfortable showing, but Kurt was trying to make a point to Santana.

Adam went on.“For a long time, he was part of our relationship.It was the three of us.But after the… the situation with his father, while Kurt was taking care of—“

Kurt pinched Adam’s arm, hard, and Adam stopped talking abruptly.Kurt smoothly went on, filling the silence, hoping Santana wouldn’t notice.  

“Adam began the public show of dating Sauli Koskinen that fall, after Noah came back from reparative therapy.You probably remember how confused he was for a long time after that.Lauren helped a lot, but it took over a year before he was really back to himself.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Santana said, wrinkling her nose.“Didn’t he even date Ms. Corcoran for a while?”

“He kind of tried, but it was more a last effort to be straight than anything else.And he was desperate to get Beth back again.”Kurt gave her a sad smile.“That’s another piece of the puzzle you should realize.It’s been hard on all of us, losing Bethie, especially on Blaine, but Adam was there with Noah and Beth for that whole first month after she was born.He got to fall in love with her first.”

“No way.”She was amazed all over again.“That rugrat has more parents.But Blaine said something about you guys being engaged once?Or not getting engaged?”

“He turned me down,” Adam said.He rested his chin on Kurt’s shoulder, still snuggling him from behind.“That was just after _Trespassing_ ’s debut, and I was already an emotional wreck.I couldn’t deal with that rejection, even though I wanted to be okay with him going off to New York without me.Noah came out to LA to live with me, and eventually Kurt and I stopped calling one another.Long distance relationships are hard to keep up if you don’t feed them regularly.”He turned his head and kissed Kurt’s neck.“I regret letting that happen.”

“Unbe-fucking-lievable.”Santana looked at them reproachfully.“How were you able to keep this under wraps all this time?I’m a complete snoop, and _you_ are terrible at keeping secrets.”

“Not as terrible as you think, apparently,” said Kurt.He tried to keep his tone mild.“So have we satisfied your curiosity?”

“Not even close.”She tapped the coffee table in front of Adam with an imperious finger.“I want to know how you think you’re going to get away with this, long term.I mean, _somebody’s_ going to notice what’s going on.The press, for one.”

“Well, officially I’m someone else.I have paperwork I can hide behind.My orders are to lay low, keep going to class and do what I need to do.”

“And what’s that?”

Adam paused before replying.“Take care of Kurt.”

Kurt closed his eyes, as much from the emotional punch of those words as from embarrassment.He heard Santana snort.“Does Kurt _need_ somebody taking care of him?”

“Yes,” said Kurt, just as Adam said, “I think so.”He held Kurt a little more tightly.“Santana, I get that Blaine is your friend.I care about him too.But my priority is Kurt.I’m not here to take Kurt away from Blaine, but I want to know that Kurt’s doing what’s really best for himself.”

“All right.”She sounded resigned.“I’m not going to tell Berry.I’m not going to tell _anybody,_ because I promised Blaine I wouldn’t.Just… go to bed and we’ll deal with this later.”

They watched Santana disappear into her curtained bedroom.Kurt rested his head back against Adam’s chest and sighed.

“Did that pinch mean she doesn’t know about you taking care of Blaine at Dalton?” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said.

“No,” said Adam, “it’s okay.My arm will recover.But she’s right — eventually, it’s all going to come out. The question is, are you ready for that?Whatever kind of radar you’ve been flying under, when it comes to polyamory or the other stuff we all do, when people find out I’m involved, it’s going to come to light, because there will be too many people who want to know our business.The whole world’s going to know Adam Lambert’s in love with you, and you won’t have any more privacy.”

Kurt tried to stay calm, but the words _Adam Lambert’s in love with you_ did funny things to his pulse.“It would change things for you, too.”

“Not nearly as much.I’ve been fielding rumors and questions about you and Noah for almost five years now.Having Noah there in my house for six months while we kept our relationship a secret was challenging.The situation with Sauli helped, but… my fans pay attention.If I stay here in New York, they’re going to connect the dots eventually.”He nuzzled Kurt’s ear.“You’re going to have to figure out what you want.”

“Oh,” he squeaked, “that’s… a big, complicated question.”

“We’re not going to answer it tonight.But it’s not going to wait for us forever.”

Kurt pressed his cheek against Adam’s throat, reveling in his warmth.“Do you miss Sauli?”

“Sometimes.I guess I did love him, in a way.It was hard to enjoy being with him when I knew I wasn’t capable of giving him what he wanted.”

“And you still considered marrying him.”  

Adam patted Kurt’s chest.“I can’t help but think you’re doing the same thing with Blaine, honey.”

He shook his head.“It’s not.” _Not if Finn’s really coming back,_ he thought, but this wasn’t the time to bring that up.“It’s not, and you’re going to have to be okay with me doing that.”

“And if I’m not?” Adam’s voice was soft, already full of sadness.Kurt hated to hear him sound that way.“I haven’t decided yet if I think you’re doing the right thing by marrying Blaine.There’s a real possibility that I won’t be able to support you in that decision.”

“Yeah.I know.And I think you’re just going to have to stick with your earlier statement that I’m not your boy.I get to make my _own_ decisions.And if you can’t cope with that, I understand.”Kurt laughed to himself.“Blaine basically told me the same thing.He’d rather have a best friend than the wrong Top.”

Adam nodded, still snuggled so close.“I don’t need to do that for you all the time, Kurt.You know it’s never been that way with us.But it would be an understatement to say I’m getting something out of this arrangement.I think it’s the right thing for us, for now.”

Kurt twisted around in Adam’s embrace until he was facing him.“Then I guess you’ve got yourself a boyfriend, Elliot.”

Adam kissed Kurt on his nose.“I guess I do.Maybe my boyfriend would let me take him back to bed so I can finish what I started?”

“If you’re still up for that?”They unfolded themselves from the couch, standing and stretching before Adam took Kurt’s hand.“Sleeping in your bed does sound like an incredible decadence.”

“You don’t have to have sex with me to sleep in my bed…”Kurt started laughing before he reached the end of his sentence.“Okay, that was a stupid thing to say.Yes, please, I really want that.”

Adam nodded solemnly.“And what are we going to tell Rachel when she comes home?Or do you want me out of here before then?”

“I think you should stay,” Kurt decided.“She might not notice.Or she might join us for breakfast and ask you pointed questions about what we did.Either way, she already told me she thought it would be good for the band if we were sleeping together.”

The expression on Adam’s face was priceless.He stripped off his clothes in record time, closing the curtain across the milk crate doorway, and climbed on top of Kurt, covering him with kisses.Kurt tried to stifle his giggles and protests, but he hugged Adam fiercely.

“I’m so impressed with how you handled Santana.I shouldn’t be surprised about that.You’ve always been good with my family and friends.Oh, can I tell my dad we’re back together?”

“You mean Congressman Hummel?”Adam’s smile was enormous.“Yeah, of course you can.You can tell anybody who already knows me, Kurt.”

That wasn’t quite true, but Kurt couldn’t exactly say, _I wish I could tell Finn._ “Brad says hi, by the way, and that he’s really happy for us. He was wondering if you’d told Gaga you were coming out here.”

Adam shook his head.“When she cancelled her tour this winter to have hip surgery, I ended up seeing more of her than I’d expected. She’s a champ, though, already walking on her own without that gold wheelchair.Consider I had no idea what kind of reception to expect from you.You might have sent me packing.So I didn’t do much other than lock the door and walk away from my condo.And sell the car,” he amended.“I think if I was going to tell anybody, it’d be Kris, but… no, I left town without saying much.”

“But Tess knows.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.”He shrugged.“She knows everything.Are we really going to waste this time together talking about all the people who don’t know about us?Maybe I should make an Elliot Gilbert Facebook page and change my status? _In a relationship with Kurt Hummel.”_  

“That… would make a statement,” Kurt agreed, with a little shiver.“I think we’d have to go with _It’s complicated,_ though, since I’m already _Engaged to Blaine Anderson._ ”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t change that.”Adam settled down next to him as Kurt yawned.“I think it might be time to sleep, honey.You have class tomorrow morning.”

“But you never got to finish,” Kurt complained.“And I’m not _tired.”_

Adam snorted.“You want me to get you some warm milk?”

“No milk.Coconut milk, rice milk, soy milk.”

“I can get behind that.Okay, then… a massage?A lullaby?

The massage sounded tempting, although Kurt guessed it would probably lead to more sex, but the lullaby…“Yes,” he said.“Sing to me.Please?”

Adam glanced over at the guitar case, propped in the corner next to Kurt’s air purifier.“Is that… that’s Noah’s, isn’t it?”

Kurt nodded.“He asked me to take it after Finn’s funeral.I think that, more than anything, made me think he wasn’t actually planning on leaving forever.”

“Very Goodbye Girl of him.”Adam was sitting up, reaching over with long arms to grasp the case and wriggle it over beside Kurt’s bed.“I’ve always been a sucker for Neil Simon.Well, okay.Would you close your eyes and promise not to look?”

Kurt obediently did so.It wasn’t even a question.He’d always trusted Adam, even with strange requests.Even his eighteenth birthday party, which had been a complete mystery and had turned out to be one of the most incredibly challenging and fulfilling experiences of his life.Adam had arranged the whole thing, and Kurt had never thought to probe him with questions or worry if it wasn’t going to work out, no matter how weird things got. 

He heard some strumming as Adam tuned the guitar, and then to his delight, a rhythmic picked pattern.“You’re learning the guitar!” he exclaimed.  

“I am,” Adam said.“Keep them closed, okay?I’m really self-conscious about this.”  

The picking pattern was lovely, and it sent Kurt into a calm state all by itself.He settled against his pillow.“How long have you been playing?”

“Shhh.Closed.You can ask all the questions you want to ask in the morning.But I will say this song is a response to you, singing that goddamn song from Wicked.You may be defying gravity, but I am caught in yours.”

The song was wistful and sweet, and Adam sang quietly, keeping up a reasonably even rhythm.It was almost enough to lull Kurt into sleep, but the lyrics pricked his heart.He snaked a hand out from under the covers and placed it on Adam’s knee, carefully not opening his eyes.

 

[ _http://youtu.be/igrmnpIxocg_ ](http://youtu.be/igrmnpIxocg)

_I've tried_  
 _I've tried everything I know_  
 _Anything to let you go  
_ _But I just keep on sinking_

 _I lied_  
 _When I said I was all right_  
 _I'm anything but all right  
_ _I am anything but winning_

Adam’s chord changes were awkward, and the guitar did not always ring true.  None of that mattered to Kurt, who was already crying by the first chorus.  He turned onto his side so that the  tears trickled over the bridge of his nose and soaked into his pillow.  

 _Take your world off my shoulders_  
 _The weight is breaking me_  
 _Into pieces, it's colder  
_ _One alone is only half the heat_

 _Take my brain from your fingers_  
 _And throw it at the sea_  
 _Then drop it from a high place, let it fall_  
 _It's only gravity  
_ _Something strong is pulling me_

The imagery was not particularly positive. Kurt wanted to apologize for putting him through that, for being the force in his life that held him down, but he couldn’t manage words.  Instead, he listened to the love that came through in Adam’s voice, the kindness in his tone.  

 _Adam came to New York to take care of me,_ he thought. _He wants to do that.This is what he wants — to be with me._

 _We cried as I fell into the moon_  
 _You cried for me, I cried for you_  
 _We said everything worth saying_  
 _You've tried everything_  
 _Anything to save my soul  
_ _I'm not sure that it's worth saving_

When Adam had finished singing the chorus a second time, he stopped.Kurt opened his eyes to see Adam massaging his fingers.  

“It’s hard,” he said.“I hate being bad at something, but it’s just going to take time to get better.”

“You’re not bad at all,” Kurt told him softly.Adam smiled.

“You’re a good liar.But it’s fine, I love being able to play for you, I don’t care if it’s bad.”He reached over and smoothed Kurt’s hair back from his face with his fingers.“You think you might be able to sleep now, honey?”

“Maybe,” he said, closing his eyes.“If you’re here beside me.”

* * *

Kurt woke up early to use the bathroom.  He took an opportunity to peek into Rachel’s space while he was up, but her bed was already made and her bag was gone.  Adam was blinking drowsily at him when he returned.

“Santana will be asleep for a while,” he said, “and Rachel left for school already.I have a couple hours before I have to leave.We’re not likely to be interrupted.”

“That sounds too good to sleep through.”Adam held open the covers, and Kurt gladly returned to the warmth of Adam’s body, sighing with pleasure.Adam folded his arms across Kurt’s chest and wrapped him up tightly.

“You know me so well.”  

“I think I do,” Adam agreed.He made little grinding circles against Kurt’s ass, and Kurt let himself make a little noise in response.“God, listening to you, your voice… it always makes me so hard.”

“Well, good thing you’re here to — oh — enjoy it.”He felt the pressure of Adam’s fingers, wet and slick, circling his hole.“I see you’ve found the lube.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m going to be very predictable for a while.I just want to climb on top of you and be in control.”

“I don’t think I’m going to object,” Kurt admitted.The way Adam was demanding his body was turning him on almost as much as the grinding and the touching.When Adam paused to reach for a condom, he sighed.“Now, those, I wish we could do without.”

“You and Blaine can talk about it.I haven’t had unprotected sex all year, and my twice-yearly tests came back clean.”With gentle pressure, he pushed Kurt onto his stomach and nudged his thighs open with one knee.“I’m okay with whatever the two of you decide.”

It didn’t seem to matter that Kurt had hardly had _any_ sex this year.Yes, his ass was sore, in more than one way, but that was only adding fuel to the fire.He found himself moaning into his pillow as Adam thrust into him, trying to rise up on his knees and thrust back, but Adam kept him on the bed with a firm hand in the center of his back.  

“I’m going to tie you up, honey,” he said, with obvious anticipation.“Bind you and gag you and flog you until you beg me to come… gonna give you just what you need.”

That kind of promise was almost enough to make him cry, it sounded so wonderful.He gave in to Adam’s urgent need, letting himself be used in the most exquisite, perfect way, and reveling in the sound of Adam’s release. 

“You’re incredible.”Adam carefully pulled out, disposing of the condom, and rolled Kurt onto his back.That same anticipation was still showing on his face as he moved down to kneel between Kurt’s legs.“You’re so fucking beautiful, you turn me on… and your talent blows me away, every day, Kurt.I missed you so much.”He placed loving kisses all over Kurt’s abdomen, his legs, his cock.“Missed this, so much.”

Kurt missed his own sturdy bed frame at home, the one with the hooks he’d installed just for Puck, that provided something to grasp.His hands flailed above his head for a place to brace himself, but in the end, he let his hands return to Adam’s head, resting on his hair.It wasn’t to direct him, because Adam’s own instincts were just fine.Despite the early hour and their activities the night before, his mouth and tongue drove Kurt to a quick conclusion.

“I missed this too,” Kurt admitted, panting, “so much.Not just because you’re so good at that.God…”He laughed helplessly, squirming on the bed under Adam, smiling up at him.“You are _so_ good at that.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hummel,” he said playfully.  

Kurt groaned.“Don’t call me _that._ That’s my _dad.”_

“I’m pretty sure your dad asked me to call him Burt, starting on day one.”Adam brushed his own hair out of his face, wincing.“I’d forgotten how embarrassing it is to be seen in the morning.I have never had a good hair day in my life.”

“ _Pain and beauty, our constant bedfellows,”_ Kurt quoted, nodding.Then, at Adam’s blank, curious look, he bit his lip.“You don’t recognize that.From _Griffin and Sabine?”_

Adam raised both eyebrows.“Griffin.Like… from the postcard?”

“Yes.It’s a book that Finn and I read together in high school.A series, really.Hang on.”Kurt scrambled up from the bed, moving to his brick-and-board bookshelf, and withdrew a slim, square volume.He handed it to Adam.“This is the first one.It’s a strange, beautiful story.We read it to one another, and parts of it to Puck, and later to Blaine.”  

Adam paged through it, pausing to read the first postcard, then flipping ahead to the first letter, which he withdrew from its envelope.  

“This is cool,” he said.“Looking through somebody else’s mail.”

“Yes, I think that’s meant to be appealing,” Kurt agreed.“Finn and I began writing letters back and forth to one another, starting in the summer we met Blaine — I mean, after _I_ met Blaine.We never stopped using those names for one another, whenever we wrote letters to one another after that.The very first letter I wrote to Finn as Griffin, I used that quote, the one that was in the postcard, about playing for time.That’s what made me think it might really _be_ Finn.Nobody knew about that, except for us.”He took another book down from the shelf and returned to the bed.“But really, the most interesting surprise was in the third one.”

Adam watched with curiosity as Kurt turned to the middle of the third book.Kurt tapped the page.  

“Here.Read this.Griffin is making up a story about this painting he did about a boat made from a banana.”

Adam began reading aloud: “‘Sabine - since you asked: Puck the well-known wizard and changer of things, including himself…’”He paused with a surprised little laugh.“Heh.I like that.‘… Has had his wand stolen by the dreaded Lugs.Puck sets off in pursuit with his sidekick —“Now he laughed louder, while Kurt shushed him.“His sidekick _Fin._ However, without his wand, his spells only half-work, and he and Fin end up as a semi-banana-boat, heading downstream to recapture the wand.’”He covered his mouth, giggling.“That’s unbelievable.Puck and Fin.”

“We just about fell over the first time we read that.”Kurt’s smile was less enthusiastic.They’d read the third book during that awful time when Puck had been dealing with the aftermath of the reparative therapy.At that point they hadn’t been certain whether or not he’d ever get back to the Noah he’d been, or if he’d just be Puck for the rest of his life.If that was the kind of thing they were going to have to go through again after basic training was over, Kurt wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, no matter how much he was missing Puck. 

Adam pursed his lips.“Is there some phallic implication about a missing wand?And what about half-broken spells?After all, the queer side of Noah’s sexuality did take a blow.”

“I suppose,” Kurt shrugged.“I don’t tend to see metaphor in things.They’re just good stories.”

“Well, maybe I should read them.”He set the books beside the bed and grinned at Kurt’s expression.“What?I read.”

“Since _when?”_  

They showered and got dressed and had breakfast without falling back into bed, which Kurt decided was a win, and also without waking Santana.Adam took Kurt into his arms on the way toward the door, giving him a brisk kiss, and his eyes twinkled when he said, “Have a good day, honey.”

Kurt had to laugh.“It all feels very domestic,” he said, a little breathless.

“I’m going to enjoy it as long as it’s pleasant for you.Other than my class, my schedule’s wide open.I think you can assume I’ll be available for this kind of thing about as often as you can stand it.”  

“Are you referring to snuggling and meals together, or middle-of-the-afternoon sex?”

Adam’s smile widened.“Yes?”

Kurt kissed him one more time.“In that case, I’ll be back this afternoon around two.”  

* * *

When he returned, Adam was nowhere to be found, but Santana and Rachel were there.  He texted Adam while he got lunch ready.  _Everything okay?_

_Santana helped me escape when Rachel came home.I’m just around the corner at this music store Tess told me about.Let me know when you’re ready for company again._

_Let me at least prep Rachel a little.She’ll be in better shape to deal with you if she’s being protective of me._

He thought for a moment, then called Blaine.“Rachel’s here,” he whispered.“Play along, okay?”Then, putting as much outrage into his voice as he could manage, he described in loud detail how “Starchild” was out of control.

Blaine sighed.“I don’t know, Kurt.Don’t you think you might be overreacting?Rachel doesn’t need to hear this stuff.You could just back off around her, and you and Adam can —“

“It all started when Elliot scored an interview in the _Village Voice,”_ Kurt interrupted.“He’s talking about it like it was _his_ band, Blaine.And not five minutes ago do I get a text from him that said, _oh my god, I just wrote a new song that we HAVE_ — in all caps — _GOT TO DO._ I mean, he’s a psychopath.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said, sounding desperate, “I gotta go.But, look, if you’re really concerned about Rachel, don’t let on, even for a second.Remember the old adage: keep your friends close and your enemies closer?I love you.”

He felt bad for stressing Blaine out, but Blaine did have a point.Rachel had always been the kind of frenemy he was willing to love when she was lovable, but when she was being self-centered or spiteful, especially about Finn, he would immediately put distance between them.Now that it seemed they had a permanent truce, Kurt wasn’t sure what to do.

He tucked his phone away, putting on a fake-enthusiastic face, and confronted Rachel and Santana with band rehearsal.He wasn’t all that surprised when Rachel decided she didn’t have time, but when Santana said _she_ wasn’t going if Rachel wasn’t going, he wondered if he should be taking Blaine’s advice to heart.

He texted Adam back, outlining the exchange. _Rachel took off.Do you think I should go after her?_

_Honey, she’s not thinking about you at all right now.Let her focus on herself.You’re better off.I’ll be back in ten minutes.Can I steal you away for the afternoon?_

_You don’t have to ask twice.I’ll make lunch._

But Adam had no sooner arrived than Rachel appeared right behind him, bearing a container of Tension Ease herbal tea.She frowned at Adam, standing in the kitchen while Kurt made cucumber sandwiches.

“Sorry, Elliot, but practice is cancelled,” she said loftily.“The stress is too much for me to handle today.And I could use a little peace and quiet.”

“Oh, sure,” Adam nodded.“No problem.Kurt was just saying we should take this opportunity to get to know one another better.We’ll be out of here as soon as we eat.”

Rachel looked torn between confused and pleased, but when Adam’s back was turned, she gave Kurt a hopeful thumbs up, so it appeared he wasn’t totally on her blacklist. Kurt tried to appear sheepish.  

“Well, I’m going to get some rest,” she said.“Assuming Santana doesn’t have anything more to ruin my day.I won’t interrupt.”

“You know she can hear everything we say,” Adam said in a near-whisper.  

Kurt considered that.“You think we should give her something?A little Elliot backstory?”

“You have something in mind?”

He nodded.“Follow my lead?”

It was entertaining to feed Adam questions, along with the sandwiches, and to hear him making up a story for “Elliot” as he went.Adam rolled his eyes at some of the comments, but Kurt guessed it sounded realistic, for a conversation between two ambitious musicians trying to make it in New York City.  

“You know what, Kurt?” Adam said finally.“If you really want to learn to play, you should get your own guitar.You know, something that suits your personality and your style? Having the right instrument makes a huge difference.”

“Great,” said Kurt, grimacing.“And… where would I go to find this guitar?”

“I know just the place.”Adam stood and held out a hand to Kurt.“It’s not far from here.I think you’ll like it.”

He hung on to Kurt’s hand as they walked toward Greene Avenue.Kurt tried not to feel self-conscious, but nobody even looked twice at them.

“I read that book this morning,” Adam told him.“Griffin and Sabine.It was sweet, but a little disturbing.I don’t think I’d want someone able to see what’s happening to me without my knowledge.”

“You know, it was strange that none of the rest of us thought that was creepy?Looking back on it, maybe we should have.I mean, it wasn’t completely unlike what was going on between Noah and Blaine, in their dreams.”Kurt moved a little closer to Adam, slipping an arm around his waist.“At one point in the story, Griffin wondered why Sabine could only see his art, and not his writing?Her response was, _Because we dream in pictures, not in words.”_

Adam was pensive all the way to the shop in the red building on the corner of Greene and Goodwin.At the bottom of the concrete steps, he stopped, still holding on, and turned Kurt around to face him.

“Griffin also asked Sabine, _How can I miss you this badly when we’ve never met?”_ he said.“I think you and I exchanged words like that, at the beginning.”

“I remember that too,” Kurt said.“It still feels like there was some kind of magic there that brought us together.If I believed in any of that.”

Adam leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead.“I’ll hold on to the magic for both of us.”  

He snickered at the name stenciled on the door in the shape of a red electric guitar: _Dick Richard’s Guitar Emporium._

“Tess constantly makes fun of this name,” Adam said.“I don’t know; it’s still marginally better than _My Guitar is a Phallic Symbol,_ don’t you think?”

“Men do have tendencies to overcompensate in regards to long shiny objects,” Kurt agreed.“We’re so much worse when it comes to cars, though.Guitars are too awesome on their own to really count as phallic.”

“Oh really?Have you _seen_ Tommy play his bass?You watch him, the next time we’re performing on television.”

The bell jingled as they entered.Kurt couldn’t help clasp his hands together in excitement.“I’m so excited that we’re doing this… Elliot.” He gazed around the crimson interior, at the flashy displays of drum kit cymbals, the lighted displays of instruments, and smiled at Adam.  

“Looking for anything in particular?” called the blonde man behind the desk.He looked vaguely familiar.

Adam nodded.“Oh, yeah, my friend’s in the market for a new guitar.”

The man waved a vague hand in the direction of the instrument display, though his face was calm.“Don’t touch the axes.”

The expression on Adam’s face was a familiar one to Kurt.It was the expression that meant _that thing you don’t want me to have? I’m going to get it, and you’re going to be sorry you said I couldn’t have it._ On Adam, it was a lot more gentle than it was on Puck, but there were definitely some similarities there.He watched in bemusement as Adam approached a customer with long curly black hair.

“Uh, excuse me, man,” he said politely, “do you know that song by The Darkness? ‘I Believe in a Thing Called Love?’”

“Hmm.” The guy stood up, strumming the introductory riff that turned heads toward them all around the store.A second guitarist, this one in a tight grey t-shirt, picked up his own instrument and came over to join them.Adam already looked satisfied as he began to sing:

[ _http://youtu.be/gka__DBWZhw_ ](http://youtu.be/gka__DBWZhw)

_Can’t explain all the feelings that you make me feel  
_ _My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel_

They’d rehearsed the song twice already, preparing to sing it with Pamela Lansbury.Adam didn’t need to do more than nod at Kurt for him to take over the lead.With a sense of daring and joyous freedom, he leaned in toward the second guitarist, flirting with more than his eyes.Adam laughed out loud, his approval shining on his face. 

 _Touching you, touching me  
_ _Touching you, god you're touching me_

That was apparently all it took.The rest of the store joined them on whatever instruments were handy, including one man on a drum set in the back.It was sloppy, but full of enthusiasm, and Kurt was pretty sure the harmonies he and Adam were singing sounded fantastic.

 _I believe in a thing called love_  
 _Just listen to the rhythm of my heart_  
 _There's a chance we could make it now_  
 _We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down  
_ _I believe in a thing called love_

By the end, the blonde man behind the counter was shaking his head and smiling.  

“I’ve got orders from the back,” he said.“Show these guys some guitars.”

The black-haired guitarist laughed, grinning at Adam.“Looks like the owner approves after all, Elliot.”

“I thought he might, once he heard who I’d brought with me.” Adam sounded positively smug.“This is my boyfriend Kurt.Kurt, this is Drew, and that guy you were shamelessly undressing with your eyes is Henry.”

“Hi,” Kurt said, feeling suddenly shy to be introduced as _Elliot’s boyfriend_.“I didn’t realize you knew everyone.”

“Just enough to give you names, really. Although… _”_ He nodded at the blonde man.“You might remember Mark.From Carl’s place?”

Kurt blinked at him, and realized Mark's bland expression as the interim receptionist in Carl's office, after Angela left to join Adam on tour.“Oh!”He held out a hand for Mark to shake.“I’d forgotten where we’d met. Weren't you at Tess' one year, when we were there for Valentine's Day?”

“Yeah, that was me. Sorry for being rude, earlier,” Mark told him apologetically, shaking the offered hand.“I just follow orders.If you know what I mean.”

Kurt took a step back, even more startled.“From — Tess?” he blurted.  

Mark laughed.“No, from the owner.”  

He’d thought only that the way Mark had been talking sounded strange, extra polite, but sudenly he nodded in recognition. _Of course._ It wasn’t “the owner.”It was “the Owner.”He looked over at Adam, who was barely restraining his mirth.

“I know this owner?” Kurt guessed.

“You know him very well.”

The answer didn’t come from Adam, but from a doorway in the back, leading to the interior of the building.At the sound of his voice, Kurt watched Mark straighten up, moving into a formal posture.Probably nobody else in the store would have noticed it, but to Kurt, it was as familiar as Adam’s cologne.  

Kurt stared at the figure, leaning casually against the door frame, his arms crossed, a little smile on his face.  

_“Carl?”_

“Hi, Kurt,” Carl said.“Glad you made it.I hear you’re shopping for a guitar.”

* * *

The “axes” were beautiful.  Kurt allowed Carl to place three different jewel-toned electric guitars in his hands before he couldn’t resist any longer and hugged the cerulean blue instrument to his chest.  

“They all sound the same to me,” he said, “but this one’s too pretty to pass up.”

“It matches your eyes,” Adam replied, holding up packets of extra strings and handing them over to Mark, who carried them over to the register.

“I was about to say the same thing about you.”

Carl let out a snort.“You guys are just as cute as ever.”

“So don’t tell me you just _happened_ to discover this store,” Kurt demanded of Adam.  

“Actually, I found Carl before I found the store, before I even saw you that first time.We were at a club in Manhattan, a leather bar.I saw a flyer for a single-tail demo, and I couldn’t pass it up — and there he was, on the stage, with Mark.I talk to Tess, turns out he’s been living in Queens for months. ”

“What can I say?” said Carl serenely.“I’ve always wanted to check out New York.This was the perfect opportunity.”

“ _This_ meaning Rachel,” Kurt guessed.Carl nodded.

“Shelby may have given up on her,” he said, “but I won’t do that, no matter how complicated things get.And I won’t miss her Broadway debut for the world.”

Rachel and Carl was a multi-layered _cake_ of complicated, but for now Kurt just nodded.“And Mark?”

“I’ve known Mark since college.He was a wide-eyed undergraduate in pre-law when we met, a classmate of Davis’.He was the first boy I ever trained, almost twenty years ago now.”

The unspoken _as a slave_ was obvious now. Kurt didn’t know how he could have missed it the first time, even without the context of Carl right there beside him.Regardless, Mark was obviously well-trained, and he watched Carl for nonverbal cues like he’d been born to it.Kurt found himself smiling fondly at his memories of Dalton.

“He’s a very good boy,” Kurt said, and Carl inclined his head graciously.

“He belonged to Hiram and Leroy for two years before moving with his new owner, but he’s always had an attachment to me.I’m pleased to have him with me again.Speaking of that, how’s Angela doing?”

Adam hid his smile.Like Kurt, he wasn’t fooled for a moment by Carl’s nonchalance. “She’s very happy.I think with Jacob in the training program at Quantico, she feels especially glad that she can give Timothy some support.He’s still getting into trouble.”

“He wouldn’t be a Puckerman if he didn’t,” Carl said.Kurt thought he had maybe a fraction more silver in his hair at the temples, but otherwise Carl looked exactly the same as he had the last time they’d seen him.  

Adam cornered Kurt, taking the blue guitar from his hands and passing it over to Carl.“You’re going to let me get this for you,” he said.“And you’re not going to argue.Do you understand?”

Kurt considered arguing anyway, but in the end, he was just too happy about too many things to do very well at it.Instead, he threw his arms around Adam and hugged him hard.“I love it.Thank you.”

“Mmm,” Adam said with a sigh.“So far I got you a car _and_ a guitar.That’s better than sex toys.”

Kurt accepted the guitar case from Mark, along with the extra strings and a basic electric guitar method book.“I’m guessing you know where we live?”

“I might,” Carl said.“But I wouldn’t bother you, any of you.I just want you to know you’re welcome here.And I’m not too far from here myself, if you and Elliot and Blaine want to come over for dinner.”

The concept of _me and Elliot and Blaine_ simmered in Kurt’s head while they walked back to the loft with their purchases.He looked over at Adam.“That… was really fun.Even without Carl being there — that was surprising, you little sneak — but I mean singing with Drew and Henry and everybody.Maybe they’d want to sit in on a Pamela Lansbury rehearsal sometime.”

Adam eyed him.“Maybe, but I think you’re going to have to decide how much you want your two worlds to mix first.Drew and Henry play at the club with Carl, and I’m not talking about their instruments.Even if they don’t know my real name, it might bring up some drama if Santana and Rachel heard them talking.And, honestly, Kurt?The level of drama around here is already pretty high.”

Back at the loft, it was thankfully quiet and empty.Adam sorted through Kurt’s record collection while Kurt made cinnamon rolls.The way Adam looked at him while he drizzled the icing on top made him think they should eat them quickly and retire to the bedroom before he had to go to work.

“You know, Kurt…”Adam joined him at the coffee table. “I’m so glad to be here with you.I want you to know I’m not trying to pressure you.I made that mistake a year ago.You’re right; you get to make your own decisions, and I’m absolutely not going to interfere with your decisions about what Blaine needs.But… I do know what you’re doing.”

Kurt licked icing off his fingers, trying not to get defensive.“What’s that?”

“I’m not trying to replace your relationship with Finn, honey.That’s what you’re thinking, right? While we’ve been spending all this time together?”

His expression was so gentle and disarming that Kurt had to laugh sheepishly.“You _are_ kind of magic.I’m sorry, I just… I have to figure out what all of this means.”

Adam moved to sit beside him on the couch.“Well, how about this?You guys are awesome.You’re good people, you’re talented, and… you know what? So am I.And I know you love me, and I love you.So let’s not limit ourselves to what the rest of the world says is acceptable.Let’s just go out and kick ass together.I mean, I’m a part of _your_ life.”

Kurt smiled.“Yeah.You are.”He took out his phone.“You know what? Let’s document this moment, shall we?”

“Yes!I think this calls for a Kelliot selfie.”They leaned in together, holding the phone as steady as possible, and took a couple different ones until they were happy.Adam gave him a big smooch on the cheek.“Or would that be Starkurt?”

“That sounds too much like a tropical fruit.”They gazed at the picture together.“Are we really doing this?I mean, I know we were joking about the Facebook thing earlier, but… you want to put this online somewhere?”

Adam shrugged.“Why the hell not?We’re all consenting adults here.Who’s going to tell us we can’t?”

Kurt laughed, shaking his head.“Who?You’re really asking that?What does _Tess_ think about you being publicly announced on Instagram?”

 _“I’m_ not,” Adam said airily.“The man in that picture, that’s Elliot Gilbert.He’s got documentation and everything.And, Kurt?”He leaned in and kissed Kurt again, this time on his lips, and again, and again, until Kurt could taste the frosting on his tongue.His words were soft against Kurt’s mouth.“He’s completely thrilled to be your boyfriend.”

* * *

After witnessing the confrontation with Santana and Rachel, Kurt largely ignored both of them when they arrived for evening shift at work, and finished his lunch shift clean-up as quickly as he could.  He came home, got his blue guitar out of its case, and was working his way through the first lesson in the book when Blaine called.

“Hey, I’m just finishing my piano lesson.What’s going on with you guys?” 

“Ready to laugh?” asked Kurt.He strummed the strings and adjusted the output on the amp to make it quieter.“I’m playing my guitar.It’s beautiful.”

“Your guitar?”Blaine did laugh.“What’s going on?How many times have I tried to get you to play and you said no, no, never?”

“Well, that’s the thing.Adam doesn’t know how to play either, at least not any better than I do.So we challenged each other to learn.It came out of this fake conversation we had on Rachel’s behalf this afternoon.She needed to hear us learning to get along, and also some of ‘Elliot’s’ backstory.So I praised his guitar-playing abilities, and Adam suggested I get my own guitar.We went to Dick Richard’s Guitar Emporium off Greene, and ended up jamming with the entire staff, including — well, that’s a story for another time.”

“Thank you for telling me about it.”He sounded genuinely happy.

Kurt fixed his hand position, switching back and forth between the G and the D.“Yeah, well, whatever good things are happening between me and Adam, Rachel and Santana have apparently decided they are now mortal enemies.Rachel even decided to move out.I think it’s going to be a while before they rebuild these bridges.”

“Rachel’s moving out?Does that means Adam gets to stay over?”  

“I think so.If we can be subtle about it.At least we’re not in the spotlight anymore.Rachel can have all the drama she wants and ignore us, and that’s what _I_ want.”

“So, come on.That can’t be all the details about Adam.You got to spend all day with him.How was it?”

Kurt felt a thrill of possibility.It was almost like falling in love all over again.“He’s… kind of magic.I’d forgotten how _easy_ it is with him.I’m doing a lot more smiling, and he’s so calm and rational and _sane…_ I think he’s convincing me that New York was the right place for me after all.”

“That all sounds wonderful,” Blaine agreed.

Kurt held his breath before adding, “And… we took a picture together and posted it to Instagram.”

There was a pause.“Oh!You — really?”

“Yeah.I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it before we did it, but if we’re going to be Elliot and Kurt, it’s going to have to start somewhere.”

“Wow, that’s really exciting.I should get going, Kurt.There’s this appointment I can’t miss.”

“All right.I love you.Call me tonight?”

“Definitely.I love you too.And tell Adam I said hi, and… I’m so happy for you both.”

Kurt leaned back on the couch, holding his guitar, and tried to sort out the conversation in his head.Blaine was being Blaine, which Kurt knew meant that he was going to support whatever Kurt wanted, regardless of how he felt himself.He wasn’t going to know what was best for himself until it became unbearable.Kurt knew that Blaine didn’t want him to be monogamous, and he really did like Adam, even if they’d never been close. 

 _So what’s the problem?_ Kurt wasn’t sure he could put a finger on it.It might just be Blaine missing Finn, and there wasn’t much he could do about that.The best course of action appeared to be to take things slowly and wait to see what happened.  

He sent Adam a text. _If you’re not sick of me yet, you could come over again tonight._

_I’m not sick of you, honey.Your roommates might be, though._

_Make that a singular roommate,_ Kurt replied. _Rachel’s moving out, or she said she was, anyway.If you come over before eight, I’ll have dinner for you._

_How could I resist that?See you at seven-thirty._

Santana arrived home first, and then Rachel shortly after that, stalking around the apartment collecting her things and not speaking to anyone.Eventually she left again.Santana sat down at the kitchen table, shaking her head.

“She just makes everything exhausting.”

“I’m not getting in the middle of that,” Kurt told her, stirring the tomato sauce.  

Santana turned her annoyance on him.“Well, how about _you,_ Mr. My-Boyfriend’s-Album-Went-Fucking-Platinum?You really thought I was going be able to sleep with you guys making those _noises_ all morning?”

He felt himself blush.“God, Santana.”

“Don’t _god-Santana_ me.You’re just unbelievable.You think _Rachel’s_ being self-centered?Exactly what makes you think you can have as many guys as you want?”

He kept his eyes focused on the sauce pot, on his hand making rhythmic stirring motions, and not on his urge to throw the spoon across the room at her.“We’ve gone over this before.”

“And you think just because you guys have a little agreement that that makes it okay?You know what I think?I think you’re hurting Blaine.Deeply hurting him.And you have no idea what you’re doing to him, because all your attention is on your rockstar boy toy.”

“Blaine isn’t unhappy,” he insisted, but he knew that wasn’t quite true.He tried again.“He’s not upset about _Adam._ I don’t exactly know what he’s upset about, but I’m pretty sure it’s at least partly about missing Finn.”

“Well, don’t you think it’s your obligation, as his _boyfriend,_ to help him deal with that?Isn’t that what you do when you agree to get married to somebody — to let them be your focus?”

Kurt sighed.“Santana, can you please stop trying to give me relationship advice while I’m cooking?The angst is going to make everything taste bad.Please.”

When Adam arrived, he joined the two of them at the table, and they mostly ate in silence.Adam attempted to make conversation by bringing up Kurt’s guitar, but Santana just glared at him, and he gave up.Finally she vanished into her room, leaving them to wash the dishes.  

“Would you rather go to my place?” Adam asked him quietly, but Kurt shook his head.

“I’ve got morning classes tomorrow, and I have to be out of here early.”He stepped into Adam’s arms, feeling himself on the edge of tears.Adam put his hand on Kurt’s head, holding Kurt to his chest.“I couldn’t tell if she was making sense or if she was just pushing all my buttons, but it was hard to listen to it, either way.”

“Why don’t we go to bed early?” Adam suggested.  

But when they were stretched out on the bed, Blaine called.“Do you think I could talk to Adam?” he asked.

“Oh,” said Kurt, surprised. “Of course.”He turned to Adam, holding out the phone.“He wants to talk to you.”

“Oh, yeah?”Adam regarded the phone for a moment, then took it and put it to his ear.“Hey, Blaine… Thanks.”He paused, then added curiously, “Was there something you wanted?”Kurt watched his face change as he listened to Blaine.“How he was doing?To tell you the truth, Blaine, he was pissed off at the world, and determined to prove he didn’t need anybody or anything.”

 _Who?_ Kurt mouthed.  

 _Noah,_ Adam mouthed back.Then he laughed. “Yeah.I gave him some of that.He was a lot more grateful and satisfied when I left.I can’t assume all that won’t be undone by eight and a half weeks of basic training, but I’m willing to begin again, wherever he is.”

Kurt smiled to himself.Adam had always been patient with Puck, with both his vitriol and his capriciousness.Perhaps it was rather that Puck had seldom shown those attributes around Adam.

Adam cleared his throat.“You want him to come home?I think he’d need to know you still want that.I can tell you for sure that he thinks you’re done with him.”

Kurt crept over close to Adam and rested his head on Adam’s chest while he spoke quietly.

“That’s good news.I can’t speak for Noah, but I suspect it would matter a lot to him to hear you say that.”Then he felt Adam tense.“With… me?”

“I don’t have to ask _Kurt’s_ permission,” he heard Blaine’s voice say on the phone.

Adam caught his breath.When he spoke again, his voice was thick with emotion.“You have it, honey.If you need help, I’m here, okay?”He handed the phone back to Kurt.  

“What were you asking him?” Kurt asked Blaine immediately.

“I think I’m going to call Puck tomorrow,” said Blaine.“Adam thinks if I told him I wanted him to come home, he might.”

“Oh.Yes.I think… that might help?If you really want to try it again?”

“I don’t know that it’s a good idea, but I know how much I miss him.I want him to know that, at least.Just like you miss him.”

“I do miss him.”He tightened his grip around Adam’s middle.“God, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug and kiss right now.”

“Thank you, Kurt.” Blaine sounded pleased by this.“I love you so, so much.Good night.”

Kurt dropped the phone on the bed and buried his face in Adam’s shirt.Adam sighed, pulling him closer.

“I knew he was missing Finn.I expected him to miss me.But —“He stifled a sob.“I didn’t realize… I didn’t realize he missed _Noah.”_

“Yeah.You know I love Noah, Kurt, and I’m not going to give up on him, but I do worry about Blaine’s expectations.If he’s going to attempt to depend on Noah again…”He did sound worried.“I don’t know if Noah’s really capable of handling a boy that way, no matter how much he might want it.”

“From what he said, Blaine’s just as scared about that, and he’s still willing to reach out to Noah.That means something.And — fuck, I miss him too.I miss him so much.I try hard not to let it get to me, but seeing him so angry and lost at Finn’s memorial was beyond awful.It was like junior year all over again.”

Adam coaxed all of the rest of the tears out of him, then held him until he was ready to sit up and blow his nose.  

“You know, in our letters, Finn was always Sabine,” Kurt said.“But Griffin is the one who went missing.”

Adam rubbed his back with one hand.“But in the second story, wasn’t it both of them who were missing? Griffin ran away, but Sabine was nowhere to be found when he finally came back to her.”

Kurt smiled.“I hadn’t realized you’d read the second book.”

“Yeah, I read the three you had on the shelf.”He averted his eyes.“And, um, I might have ordered the other three online.”

That made Kurt laugh.“We liked the other three, but they’re different.You’ll have to tell me what you think of them.”

“I’ll bring them over when they arrive.Honey, I think you should go to bed.Even if we had different intentions when we came in here, it’s been a long day, and you could use some rest.It would make me feel better.”

He took a long, deep breath.“Okay.Yeah.I think I can do that.Back in a jiff.”

By the time Kurt finished the very brief version of his moisturizing routine, Adam was sitting on his bed in underwear and one of Kurt’s t-shirts, holding Puck’s guitar on his lap.Kurt paused in the orange-crate doorway for a few moments to appreciate that image before closing the curtain and clambering onto the bed beside him.  

“What are you playing?” he asked.  

Adam gave the fingerpicking one more try before giving up with a strum of frustration.“It’s an old American folk song.My guitar teacher makes me play the weirdest things.She says it’s good for my hand strength and coordination.”

“I can tell her you’ve got plenty of both,” Kurt said, leering.Adam leered right back, then kissed him across the neck of the guitar.

“I’ve modified the lyrics a little.It made me think about your situation.”He paused, looking at Kurt seriously.“Would you be completely weirded out if I sang you a song from Finn?”

“Um.”Kurt thought about that.“Maybe a little?A lot less than it would have a couple weeks ago.I’m still not sure what I think about the… situation.It’s all so uncertain.”

“I know. I’m not asking you to be sure, but I heard that last postcard.I do think he asked you to wait for him.”  

Kurt was silent.Eventually Adam reached over and caught his chin with one hand, making him look at him.

“I’m not,” he said very clearly, “going to try to take his place.”

“Okay,” Kurt sighed.“Thank you.And if he doesn’t come back… I’m not going to make you wait forever.”

Adam nodded as he began to play again.“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Kurt thought he recognized the song.Maybe his dad had played it for him long ago, or he’d heard it on the radio.Either way, it was definitely not Adam’s usual style — or Finn’s — and yet thinking about Finn singing it to him both hurt and soothed his heart.  

<http://grooveshark.com/#!/s/The+Storms+Are+On+The+Ocean+A+P+Carter+Cover/4539Qf?src=5>

_I'm going away to leave you, love_  
 _I'm going away for a while_  
 _But I'll return to you sometime  
_ _If I go ten thousand miles_

 _The storms are on the ocean_  
 _And the heavens may cease to be_  
 _This world may lose its motion, love  
_ _If I prove false to thee_

 _Oh, who will dress your pretty little feet_  
 _And who will glove your hands_  
 _And who will kiss your rosy cheek  
_ _When I'm in a faraway land_

 _The storms are on the ocean_  
 _And the heavens may cease to be_  
 _This world may lose its motion, love  
_ _If I prove false to thee_

Adam gave him a quick smile, focusing on his fingers on the frets and the fingerpicking pattern between each verse.The modified words of the third verse were easy to spot, and they made Kurt laugh out loud.

 _Oh, Blaine will dress your pretty little feet_  
 _And Adam will glove your hand_  
 _And they will still kiss your rosy cheek  
_ _When I return again_

 _The storms are on the ocean_  
 _And the heavens may cease to be_  
 _This world may lose its motion, love  
_ _If I prove false to thee_

Kurt let his eyes fall shut, sitting there beside Adam, and tried to compose himself.It was a futile task.  

“You really think he’s —“ he began, and had to stop.

“I don’t know, honey,” Adam said.He set the guitar carefully back into its case.“I’m willing to say the boy I once knew Finn to be was absolutely devoted to you.I don’t think he ever stopped wanting the vision of the family he had with you and Noah, and Blaine.Whatever’s happened to him, it sounds like he wants you to give him a little time to figure things out.He’s a resourceful guy.”He shrugged.“I know you aren’t one for faith.”

“No,” Kurt said hoarsely.“But I think… I think I can have faith in Finn.”

Adam leaned over and kissed him again.“I think he might be worth that.”

* * *

Song credits:

[Gravity](http://youtu.be/igrmnpIxocg) is by Barnaby Bright.

[The Storms Are On the Ocean](http://grooveshark.com/#!/s/The+Storms+Are+On+The+Ocean+A+P+Carter+Cover/4539Qf?src=5) is a traditional American folk song, sung here by Richard Shindell.

Click to see [Nick Nordella, aka the sales clerk in the guitar shop in 5x09 Frenemies, as Mark.](http://magweb.com/picts/nm0634984.jpg)Here he is [with Adam and Kurt](http://nubianamy.tumblr.com/post/84990045179/from-nick-nordellas-twitter).Mark appeared in [chapter 31 of Fingers of Your Fire](http://archiveofourown.org/works/399405/chapters/3067471), but more notably in the 50 Kinky Ways story [Walking In](http://archiveofourown.org/works/544052), about Carl and Davis in college together.I’m delighted to finally have a face for Mark.


	9. Blaineterlude 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that season 6 is drawing to a close, my goal is to wrap up all the loose ends — or most of them, anyway — and to tell the story through to its conclusion, combining the events in [Apprehensive Naked Little Trembling Boy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3389336) with the story here. 
> 
> This is another Blaine chapter, set during the events of episode 5x10 Trio. The next chapter will be from Adam's point of view. Warning here for lots of Blaine angst about Finn and others. 
> 
> Enjoy - amy

 

The sun slanted low through the skylights in the vaulted ceiling of the second floor loft. It always reminded Blaine of the atrium at Carl's, which is maybe why he chose to spend more time there than any other room of the Hudson-Hummel house. It was right outside his room. It was also where they'd moved the piano once Kurt moved to New York.

Sarah was already there, sitting on the old green couch, when Blaine came out of his room to practice the Chopin Nocturne in B major. She mostly ignored him, and he mostly ignored her, and it was all right. He wasn't going to tell her she couldn't be  _anywhere_  in her own house. But somehow, her presence was keeping him from being able to focus. He started the piece over again several times with no success.

Finally Blaine paused mid-chord and adjusted his seat on the piano bench, sighing loudly. Sarah stopped typing on her laptop.

"Look, I can just go downstairs," she said again.

"No," Blaine said sharply. "No. I'm not — this isn't anything about you. I really don't mind you being here. I like it."

Sarah made a little snort. The way she looked at him, Blaine had to laugh.

"Okay, maybe I don't like  _anything_  very much at the moment. Still. Not about you."

"Yeah, but you could just not deal with people. Maybe that would be better. It's not like we don't have eight other rooms I could be in at the moment."

Thinking about all the empty rooms in the Hudson-Hummel house, especially the one in the southwest corner, was just going to remind him of what he'd talked to Adam and Kurt about earlier that week. He groaned and flopped back, lying prone on the piano bench, and stared at the ceiling. "I give up. I can't concentrate enough to practice this song Brad gave me. For one thing, it has an impossible key signature. Six sharps is torturous."

"I bet you don't even have homework to distract you." Sarah closed her laptop and set it on the old coffee table in front of the green couch. "Seniors are done with everything, right? No finals."

"I have one last project to turn in on Tuesday for government, but I'm essentially done with it." He gave her a sympathetic smile. "Junior year is going to be worse than sophomore year, I hate to tell you."

"It's fine." Sarah made a dismissive wave. "I can handle school."

"Yeah. You can." Blaine studied her face. It was looking a lot more like Puck's these days, he thought, but that might just be an effect of missing him. "What were you working on?"

"That wasn't homework. It's my group. The one Holly had me join after Noah disappeared?"

He nodded, holding his breath. This was more words than Sarah had said to him since Finn's relocation two months ago. He didn't really blame her for wanting to avoid him; as far as Sarah was concerned, Finn was dead, and Blaine was little more than a reminder of what he'd left behind. Maybe if Blaine could avoid mentioning the wrong things, she'd keep talking to him long enough for him to bring up Puck.

"I think Jake told me he was part of that group," Blaine said.

"Yeah, and some other kids at McKinley. It's private, though; I'm not going to divulge their identities. I guess I can talk about the ones who don't live around here, though." She sighed, leaning back against the couch. "There's one guy from Columbus? His year's been about as shitty as mine. His dad got shot and killed in March."

"Oh, jeez." Blaine grimaced. "That's awful."

"Yeah. He's about the nicest guy in the world, too. Sucks even more when sucky things happen to nice people. He just found out his mom's moving him to a school in Chicago. I guess she wants to get away from all the stuff that reminds her of what happened." She focused her hazel eyes, Puck's hazel eyes, on him. "Are you looking forward to doing that?"

"What — moving away?" He sat up, trying to figure out how to answer.  _It's easier than when Puck was here and ignoring me every day._ But it was a fair question: was it just going to be like that all over again, if Puck came home? How many losses could he deal with? "I think… maybe? I mean, I'm going to move to New York and be with Kurt eventually, even if I don't get into NYADA."

She nodded, looking at her lap. "I guess you can't really get away from everybody who reminds you of Finn, not if you want to stay with Kurt."

Blaine sat up slowly, still watching her not making eye contact with him. "Sarah… do you think Puck and I broke up because of Finn?"

Sarah shrugged. "No. You guys broke up a long time before he died."

"Yeah. After Puck came back from LA…" He swallowed. "It was my fault, what happened between us. I made some really bad choices, and he… I wouldn't listen to him. It wasn't working out the way we both wanted it to. Puck just got more angry and I just pulled away more."

Blaine wasn't sure if he should explain about Eli and the cocaine. Probably Sarah would understand — she was more worldly than any fourteen-year-old had a right to be — but it wasn't the kind of thing he felt good bringing up, not without Noah or Kurt or Finn there to support him.

Sarah tied her hair back from her face with a quick, angry twisting motion. "He left Kurt over Adam. Then he cut himself off from you. All he had left was Finn, and he lost him, too. Noah didn't have  _anybody._  No wonder he joined the stupid Air Force."

"I know." Blaine got up from the piano bench and walked across the room to sit beside her, on the short L of the green couch. "But there's something else you should know. Kurt and Adam… they've reconciled. Adam is living in New York right now, and he and Kurt are together again."

Blaine watched her face slowly relax into an expression of startled confusion. "What do you mean?" she demanded.

"Adam went to New York to be with Kurt," Blaine said again. "He's there now."

Sarah shook her head. "No, no — Kurt said  _no_  to Adam. He said yes to  _you._  He's not going to —"

"Adam doesn't want to take him away from me."

It was weird to have said those words to so many people in the last couple days. Carole and Santana had believed him. But there hadn't been a occasion in which he'd felt quite as certain that he was  _right_  as he did saying them to Sarah. He looked at her doubtful face and reached for her hand. She took it.

"He's bringing us back together again," said Blaine firmly. "That's the truth. And I'm going to call your brother and tell him I want him to come home. He belongs with us."

Sarah let out a derisive, incredulous laugh. "You think he's going to listen to you?"

"Maybe not. But I owe him a big apology, and… and I think if it's me, and Kurt, and Adam, all saying we want that, all together? Maybe he will."

_And Finn,_  he thought, holding her hand tight.  _Maybe Puck won't be able to hear him saying it, but it's what he wanted, more than anything._

Sarah leaned over and rested her head on Blaine's shoulder. It was so uncommon an occurrence that Blaine almost pulled away, but he waited a few moments until the discomfort passed.

"I miss him," she sighed.

"Yeah," said Blaine. Then, "Who?"

"Take your pick."

He echoed her sigh. "Me too."

* * *

Blaine spent a good ten minutes sitting on the edge of his bed, holding his phone and staring at the number on the screen. It was Puck's phone number, the one Puck almost never answered anyway, but at least there was voice mail. There was no number he could use to call Puck directly, not until basic training was officially over with. But the web site said Puck would have access to his cell phone during his seventh week, which began tomorrow.

_If he even wants to talk to you,_  said the voice in his head. It hadn't shut up all evening — all week, really, not even after the Coach had disciplined him for his actions at school. She hadn't appreciated the puppets one bit. The voice hadn't either.

_If you think he'd even consider taking you back after everything you did, you're even more of an idiot than I thought you were._

The only other thing on his neatly-made bed was resting on his pillow. Kurt hadn't taken it out of its box since Finn had been declared dead. Instead, he'd asked Blaine to keep it at the house. Blaine hadn't wanted to think about it much, not without someone there to buckle it around his neck. He didn't touch it now, but he looked at it, the beautifully tooled leather that the Coach had made for him three years ago.

That had been before she'd met Blaine. She'd never even seen it on him.  _That's from your boys, for you,_ she'd told him.  _It's not what you and I got here. You have to keep something special._

The collar had never stopped being special, no matter how much he didn't deserve it anymore, but it wasn't the collar that made him grasp the phone firmly in his hand and press Send. He sat there, biting his lip and trying not to fidget as the phone rang once, twice. He could almost hear the Coach saying,  _Sit still, for pete's sake._  It was something he'd never been good at.

" _You know who this is,"_  said Puck's voice,  _"and what to do."_

Blaine had heard that message a hundred times before, but suddenly the implications loomed before him, huge and impossible. He squeezed his eyes shut and jabbed at the button to disconnect the call. Then he curled up on the bed, wrapping his arms over his face to blot out the memories of what Puck had said the last time they'd spoken.

_You don't want this from me. Not enough to do it my way. I'm not gonna make you._

It was the last sentence that felt the worst. Because Blaine  _wanted_  Puck to make him. He wanted Puck to be in charge of him when he couldn't do it himself, wanted Puck to be responsible for the things he screwed up.

_Selfish,_  said the voice.  _You don't deserve that from anybody, especially not from him._

He couldn't argue with that voice. He couldn't say,  _but Finn would have._  He hadn't deserved that from Finn, either, no matter how freely Finn had given it to him. Even Rachel hadn't stood in Finn's way when it came to Finn taking care of him. No matter how bitchy and unreasonable Blaine got, Finn had handled it all.

This wasn't something he could talk to Carole or Burt about, even though they knew about his relationships with their sons and just how wonderful they'd been to him. The one time he'd tried to talk to Burt about sex, he'd stepped all over appropriate boundaries and embarrassed both of them. It was even hard to talk to the Coach about these things; discipline wasn't sexual for her.

"I can't do it myself," he whispered through his tears. But nobody was listening.

_You're not a fucking child,_  the voice taunted.  _Nobody's here to fix this for you. Stand up and be an Anderson._

Eventually the voice in his head ran out of awful things to say to him. He sat up and blew his nose and wiped his face, then sat there breathing. He still was holding his phone.

It was a hard thing to admit that he couldn't do something —  _anything —_  but harder still to make himself do something about it anyway. The only reliable way he'd found to handle that had been to pretend to  _be_  someone else — and he'd promised Kurt and Carole and everyone that he wouldn't do that anymore.

_What would Blaine Warbler do?_  He had to laugh. Blaine Warbler wouldn't be calling Puck to begin with. He'd be shaking his head, ignoring his irrelevant feelings, and moving on to the next task, getting the important things done. Sometimes he missed being that competent, but most of the time he wanted to punch Blaine Warbler in the nose.

He gritted his teeth.  _Just do this. It's not really so hard. What do you have to lose?_

That actually did make it easier, knowing that there was almost nothing he could do that would make the situation with Puck worse than it already was. He exhaled and pushed Send again. This time he waited until Puck-recording had finished talking and he could hear the beep to put the phone to his ear.

"Puck," he said. "It's Blaine. I hope basic training was okay. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't  _okay,_  but I hope… well, it's almost over, and…" He cringed, wishing he could start again. "When you have a moment, and you're allowed, would you give me a call? I would really like to talk with you. I, uh. I spoke with Adam, and he said I could. Adam's in New York now, with Kurt. I saw them last week, and they're happy. I'm happy for them." He fixed his eyes on the collar on his pillow. "I miss you. So much, and I hope you'll give me a chance to apologize. All of this, it's my fault. I want to — to take responsibility for that." He hesitated. "I love you. Please, call me, any time. Okay… bye."

He didn't exactly feel lighter when he was done, but it was good to get it over with and stop worrying about how the conversation would go. He'd given up control in the only way he could. Now it was Puck's turn.

* * *

Tina fell into step beside Blaine and threw a conspiratorial arm around him. "You ready to sing  _Jumpin', Jumpin'_  with me and Sam in Glee?"

"Yes, of course. Mr. Schue's never going to let us do that for Nationals, though."

"I know. I can't believe we haven't chosen our songs yet. Oh, did you hear Mr. Schue ran out of class this morning to do it with Mrs. Pillsbury in the bathroom?"

"Oh my god, Tina," moaned Blaine. "Why are you even telling me that? Now I'll have…  _images_  in my head all day."

"Because they're trying to have a  _baby."_  She raised a meaningful eyebrow at him.

"So what? They're married. Even if they weren't, they get to have another baby if they want one. And Jordan's almost two. It's good timing between siblings."

"What are you babbling about?" She nudged him. "You're avoiding my eyes. Come on, Blaine, this is me. Don't try to pretend you don't —"

"I don't want to think about babies right now, okay?" he said. "I just — it's not a good time."

"Did you see her when you were in New York?"

Asking  _who_  would have just been stupid. Of course Blaine knew who Tina meant. "No."

"Why not?"

Now he wished he  _had_  taken the opportunity to go visit Bethie at Shelby's when he'd been in New York. She'd always said they were welcome any time. "I don't know."

"Don't tell me you don't miss her."

"Of course I miss her," he snapped. He finally turned to look at Tina. "Look, she just turned three. The last time I saw her… it's been a long time. What if she doesn't remember me? I don't think I can handle that."

"Blaine…" She squeezed his shoulder in a half-hug. "Jeez. She's your kid. Of course she'd remember you."

"She's not—" he began, then cut himself off, because he couldn't bring himself to say that. Tina frowned.

"She's as much yours as she is Shelby's. Not legally, but definitely in practical terms. You cared for her as often as Puck did."

"Legality matters, though," he said. "I know that better than anyone. I'm the one who got to watch her grow into a walking, talking human being — and then stand by, powerless to stop Shelby when she took her back to New York last summer."

"Well, pretty soon you'll be in New York again, and you'll get to see her as often as you want."

It made his heart do a little skip. "I… called Puck last night."

Tina's eyes got big. "You called him? Isn't he in the middle of basic training?"

"Almost done. I left a voice mail." He took a deep breath. "I can't go to his graduation because we'll be at Nationals, but I'm going to ask if he'll come to mine."

"You're — you want to get back together with him?" she demanded. "Blaine Darren Anderson, what the hell are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I  _miss_  him, Tina. I miss him and I want him to come home. I know it won't be forever, but right now…" He shook his head. "I want to see what's possible."

Her eyes narrowed to slits. "You are going to get your heart broken,  _again._  I can't believe you're even considering trying. He'll never apologize for what he did to you."

Blaine stopped walking. "What do you mean, what he did to  _me?_  Tina, I'm the one who broke our agreement. _"_

She made one shout of laughter. "No, see, you can't convince me of that, Blaine. Because I  _know_  how you guys work. I  _did_  the stuff you do, with Mike. And I know very well that the person in charge has to follow through, no matter how obnoxious the person they're taking care of is." She stared him down. " _You_  were obnoxious, yes. But that didn't give him the right to bail on you."

Blaine blinked back irritated tears. "It kind of did, though. It was our agreement number one: no lies. I didn't want him to pretend to want something with me that he didn't want. And with everybody else, he's a sub." He shrugged, feeling hopeless. "I don't know why I think it'll be any different. I just know I have to tell him what  _I_ want."

"You think he deserves that?" Tina tossed her head. "I love you, Blaine, and I want you to have what you want… but you're not going to convince me this is a good idea." She gripped his arm tighter. "Now, can we do this thing? We need you  _here,_  now."

He was able to keep his attention in the game long enough to get through the dance routine, and everybody seemed to like it a lot. It would have been fine for Nationals, but it wasn't what Blaine wanted to do. What he  _wanted_  to do, he hadn't gathered enough courage yet to ask Mr. Schue if they could.

_Time's running out,_  the voice said in his head, but this time it wasn't his father's voice he heard. It was Puck's.

* * *

Kurt left a message for Blaine while he was overnight with Sam and Tina at McKinley, but Blaine waited until he'd had a couple hours of sleep in his own bed before calling him back. He could hear music in the background as Kurt picked up the phone.

"What are you listening to?" Blaine asked, rubbing his eyes.

" _The Supremes. Dani wants to do this song, The Happening, with me and Adam. We told Rachel and Santana that they could get lost until they were willing to ditch the drama and actually make some music. I think it'll be great as a trio. How was your lock-in?"_

"Horrible." Blaine sighed. "Nothing went the way I planned. Becky Jackson appeared in the middle of things and then Sam and Tina started making out and —"

" _Take a deep breath. You sound exhausted."_

"Yeah." He rolled over onto his back. "I don't have any reason to be upset, right? I mean, just because my whole senior year has been a crazy mess and Finn and Puck are gone and I'm not even sure if I got into NYADA yet."

" _Blaine… will you call, you know, your person? The one who's taking care of you."_

"Yeah," he said again. He could hear his own tone, the bratty entitled one, and suddenly felt ashamed. "Thanks. For being my friend. I'm really going to miss Tina and Sam, but I miss you more."

" _I miss you too, honey. I'm really sorry I didn't spank you when you were here."_

"No, it was okay. You know I don't really want it from you, not like that. Not like —" He paused. "Kurt, you're not still upset that I don't, are you?"

" _No. We have so many good things. I don't need to feel bad about the things we don't have."_ He could hear the smile in Kurt's voice. " _I do miss having a boy to order around, though."_

"I called Puck." The words fell out before he could stop them. Kurt was silent for a moment.

" _What did he say?"_

"I just left a message, a few days ago. He hasn't called. Maybe he won't."

" _What are you going to tell him?"_  He sounded like he was holding his breath.

"That we should be together. All of us. I'm not exactly how, or where, but… New York sounds like a good place to start. For one thing, that's where Beth is."

" _Oh."_ Kurt's voice shook on the word. " _Blaine, I don't know if that's going to happen."_

"I know. I'm not betting on a sure thing, Kurt. I'm just asking for what I want. Maybe that's irresponsible, but… I want to try again. I want to try to make it work. Adam said he was okay with that."

" _I hate to tell you, but Adam's just as unrealistic about the future as anybody I know."_

Blaine smiled. "He's also the one who made it on Idol, right? How likely was that?"

" _Not likely. Okay. Of course I miss Noah, and… okay. Do you want me to call him too?"_

"Only if you want to." He cleared his throat. "I mean, yes. Please."

" _All right. I'll call him tomorrow. And would you do me a favor? Please include Artie and Unique in your next celebrating-senior-year song. They were both hurt that you did Jumpin', Jumpin' without them."_

"It was supposed to be a trio," Blaine protested.

" _Yes, well, Unique of all people should be able to expand the expression of a group of three into something more than that. For that matter, you should be able to do that just as well."_

That just made Blaine blush. "Yeah. Okay, I'll talk to Unique and Artie. We were thinking about rehabilitating the Wilson Phillips song  _Hold On."_

Kurt laughed out loud. " _Oh my god. That would be hilarious. Do you mind if we steal that idea?"_

"Be my guest. Maybe you could get me a recording of the three of you doing it." Blaine stretched. "I'm going to shower and get something to eat. I'll call you later?"

" _We'll be rehearsing this afternoon, and our performance is tonight, but leave a message whenever. Love you."_

"Love you too."

He still hadn't said anything to Kurt about what he wanted to do for Nationals. It didn't quite seem possible to bring it up, not with all the ordinary sweet musical things happening around them. What he wanted to do would be — a big deal. Blaine didn't want to be a big deal.

_You're such a liar,_  the voice said.  _Valedictorian. Class president._

"I don't want to be a  _bother,"_  he said aloud. It was a pointless thing to say to an empty room, and saying it only made him feel stupid. He gave up and went to take a shower.

He was just stepping out when he heard his phone ring. There was no way he was going to make it to his dresser in time before it stopped, so he didn't bother to hurry too much. He listened to the silence as he dried his hair and toweled off his skin. When it rang again, he rushed out of the bathroom wearing his robe to seize it before it stopped a second time. He pressed the green button without looking at the screen.

"This is Blaine," he said.

There was a long enough pause that he almost hung up because it sounded like it might be one of the automatic answering machines. Then he heard the noises in the background.

"Hello?"

_"Blaine,"_  said Puck's voice.

Blaine sat down on the bed, feeling his balance shift abruptly. "Puck."

_"I got your call."_

"Yeah." The word only came out about halfway, stuck in his throat. He cleared it and tried again. "Thanks for calling back. Are you -?"

_"I can't talk very long,_ " he cut in.  _"But I didn't want you to think I didn't want to call."_

Blaine hung on to his breath. "Did you?"

_"Yeah. A hell of a lot."_

That was such a wonderful thing to hear that Blaine just sat there, smiling. Finally he chuckled, rubbing his forehead. "Has it been — how has it been?"

Puck made a noise, sort of a sigh and sort of a laugh.  _"Fucking hot."_

"Are you..." Blaine didn't know how to ask  _are you letting them tell you what to do?_  "You've successfully made it through."

_"Yeah. I thought there was no way I could, at first. I spent most of the first two weeks pissing off my CO before I managed to figure out how to hear what he was saying as a command, not a punishment."_

"A command. That sounds… that sounds like you trust him."

" _Yeah, I do. They're real big on service being a privilege here. I gotta say, it feels fucking awesome to be of service."_

The rush of envy was overwhelming, but only for a moment. Blaine waited for it to pass. Logically he knew he really, really didn't want to be in the Air Force, or anything like it, but the calm, focused tone in Puck's voice was hard to deny. "I want to hear all about it. Puck, I called to—"

" _I know. I can't really talk about that right now. You guys have Nationals coming up the same weekend as my graduation, huh?"_

"How did you know…?"

" _Adam told me. How about I come back to Lima the week after?"_

It was exactly what he'd wanted to ask for, but now that Puck had offered it, he wasn't sure how to respond. "Are you sure you can?"

" _I've got about a week before my tech training starts. You're graduating, right?"_

"I'm — I'm valedictorian." Saying it felt like bragging, and Puck was going to be the last one to be impressed by academic prowess, but he couldn't help it. He would have done anything to get Puck to say  _I'm proud of of you._

" _Well, I guess I'd better be there to see you get your paper scroll thing."_  Puck's voice dropped to a whisper. _"Look, you know there's all kinds of shit I want to say that I can't right now?"_

"It's fine," Blaine said immediately. "I — I get it, it's okay. Thank you. This was — it's so good to hear you. And… I'm just going to say I love you, okay? And you don't have to —"

" _Babe."_  The whisper was almost a purr.  _"Fuck, yeah. I really do. Just wait until I can do it in person."_

"O-okay." He could feel the smile tugging his mouth wider, overwhelming any thoughts of rationality or fear. "God. It's so good to hear you. Sorry. I already said that."

" _I'll be back on June sixth. I'll book a flight and set things up with Carole and Burt."_

"Puck —" Blaine clutched at the edge of his blanket, pulling it away from the perfect fold under his pillow. The collar slid down to rest against his leg. "I was thinking… I want New Directions to do songs for Finn at Nationals."

The silence was longer this time, but Blaine knew Puck hadn't hung up. He went on.

"I don't think the songs he loved were necessarily the best songs for Glee club, or the most competitive, but… we're not going to be able to come up with anything seriously competitive at this late date anyway. And that's not how Glee club has managed to win in the past. But in the past, the New Directions had Finn, and Rachel and Kurt. And you. I don't know if we can do it without you guys. But maybe we can do it  _for_  Finn, and it'll be… kind of like he's there."

" _You think he'll be able to hear you?"_

The question didn't sound like he was teasing. Whatever religious or spiritual feelings Puck had left after his experiences at Journey Into Manhood junior year, he mostly kept to himself. But Blaine knew, if Finn really could hear them perform, it wouldn't be via supernatural means.

"Maybe?" said Blaine softly. "I kind of think he might."

" _Then I think that's a good idea,"_  Puck said, just as softly. " _You're still his good boy, huh?"_

Blaine sniffed, blinking. "I think I always will be."

" _Yeah. Me too. I'll call you when I got a flight, okay? Good luck."_

Puck hung up before Blaine could say  _you, too,_  or anything else, but Blaine didn't feel bad about it. He stood up and tied his robe more securely around his waist before going to get his guitar from the stand in the corner. Then he sat on the edge of the bed again, strumming, and sang:

_I have climbed highest mountain_  
_I have run through the fields_  
_Only to be with you  
_ _Only to be with you_

_I have run_  
_I have crawled_  
_I have scaled these city walls_  
_These city walls  
_ _Only to be with you_

_But I still haven't found what I'm looking for_

He knew, if they were going to sing songs for Finn, that had to be one of the three songs. He'd sung it himself, that first afternoon he'd met Finn at Irene's coffeehouse in Columbus, and Finn had told him it was his favorite. And certainly one of Puck's Neil Diamond songs — Sarah would know which one Finn liked best, or he could ask Puck.

Blaine paused, holding the guitar securely to his chest.  _He could._ He could ask Puck, and it didn't have to be weird or scary or anything. It could just be… for Finn. And that was okay.

The last song was easiest of all. Blaine picked up his phone and thumbed through to the folder where he kept old emails from Finn until he got to the one Finn had sent him on Valentine's Day, about a month after they'd met. He'd probably watched the attached video clip a dozen times a day. He could see Finn there on stage with Carl, singing with someone offstage that Blaine now was pretty sure had to have been Adam.

_I looked out this morning and the sun was gone_  
_Turned on some music to start my day_  
_I lost myself in a familiar song_  
_I closed my eyes and I slipped away  
_ _It's more than a feeling…_

Blaine could feel himself gaining confidence as he sang, almost like the song itself was filling him with strength. When he looked up between the second verse and the chorus, he realized Burt and Carole were both standing in his doorway, watching him play. He stopped.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Was I being too loud?"

"Blaine," said Carole. She had the saddest smile on her face. "It was fine. We just haven't heard you play your guitar in a while. Especially like that. Those songs…"

"I know. It's —" He took a deep breath. "I want to ask you something. A favor."

Burt looked at Carole, then back at him. "What is it?"

He stood up and came toward the door. "Do you think… maybe, you'd like to come along with us to Nationals in LA? You could be, I don't know, chaperones or something. I just think you never got to see Glee club win at Nationals, and that maybe —"

"Finn might have liked that," said Carole. She was still smiling. "I think that would be wonderful, Blaine."

Then she hugged him. He felt a little weird doing that with nothing but his robe on, but it wasn't weird enough for him not to hug her back. She was as much his mother as anyone had been for the past three years. When she pulled away, her eyes were wet.

"We're so proud of you," she said. "Of everything you've accomplished this year, despite the challenges of — everything. I know it hasn't been easy for you, but you've made it work."

"Thanks to Kurt," he said. "And you two. I'd be a mess without you." He laughed. "I'm still kind of a mess. But — um. I just talked to Puck."

"Puck," said Burt. He looked startled.

"Yes, I called him a couple of days ago and left a message, and he called me back? He wants to — he said he would come h- here. After basic training, before he goes to technical training. So he can be here for my graduation, even if I can't be in Texas for his."

Carole's smile was a little less clouded now. "That's great to hear. He told us not to bother trying to make it to his graduation, that it wasn't worth the flight. I almost wish we'd booked flights anyway? It sounds like he thinks coming up here might be worth it, though."

Burt was obviously a little less excited and a little more suspicious, but he only said, "We can talk through details tomorrow, all right? And I'll call Schuester and see what we should do about being chaperones."

"Thank you," said Blaine. He propped his guitar back in its stand and took a long, slow breath. "I think you're going to appreciate being there when we perform."

* * *

__

_<https://youtu.be/4FQB2900q8Q> _

_I know this pain_  
_Why do lock yourself up in these chains?_  
_No one can change your life except for you_  
_Don't ever let anyone step all over you_  
_Just open your heart and your mind  
_ _Is it really fair to feel this way inside?_

 

_Some day somebody's gonna make you want to_  
_Turn around and say goodbye_  
_Until then baby are you going to let them_  
_Hold you down and make you cry_  
_Don't you know?_  
_Don't you know things can change_  
_Things'll go your way  
_ _If you hold on for one more day_

_\- Wilson Phillips, "Hold On"_


End file.
